Eternity

HIATUS

2011-05-12T00:06:00.004+08:00

For those of you who still bother to even check this blog, I'd just like to thank you for being so faithful. =)

I have not been blogging here as I find it too time-consuming to manage two blogs given the limited ME time i have!! As such, to make things easier, I am now blogging on my mummy website together with updates about the kids.

Am not deleting this blog coz it holds lovely memories...... of lovely pre-marriage life with my love.... of preparations for our wedding and lots more.....

so if u still wanna update urself about my life, u can search for the link... i'm sure u'll figure it out.. ;)

love,

Pet, mummy of 2 =D

2010-04-05T23:28:00.004+08:00

it's been absolute eons since i last posted.

seriously man, cobwebs are hanging from every corner of my blog. i wonder if anyone even bothers to click on my link anymore..... =)

what to do?

life as a teacher is filled with deadlines 24/7....lesson plans, admin stuff, meetings, courses.... doesn't help that i'm super involved in my other committees too.... especially the Chaplaincy Team...... i left Legion, but God gave me another outlet to serve Him in........ it's a good and bad thing.... people are recognizing my talent/skill/gift in planning spiritual events.... which is good for my career....bad coz.... it only means more work when i've yet to settle in as a NEW teacher!!!

time is sooooooo tight these days.....and blogging is but something that's totally at the back of my mind. i do still need an outlet to rant and rave....but right now, i guess my main outlet is my mind...... coz i don't have time to sit and compose all of my thoughts. time with Faith and Darling is far more precious these days, and i just want to spend every minute that i have with her....

she's already 1..... =)

such a little precious one...... she brings SOOOOOOOO much endless joy to my life every day.... every single day she grows and changes...... seriously, I don't know what i've done to deserve an angel like her.... of course, i do still scold her.... =) but like Darling always says, it's soooo hard to get angry with her when she flashes you the cheekiest smile ever!

one day, she messed up ALL of her clothes and diapers on her changing table, and when my mum asked "Who did that?", Faith looked at my mum, then pointed to her Tigger......... she's already learnt to shift the blame!!!!! =D

she's almost able to walk already.....today, she insisted on standing and walking from room to room instead of crawling! =) but of course, there are moments when she falls flat onto her bum.. but she'll always look to us to check for our expression before she cries... she's a hardy one.... =D

she bops and hums to her favourite tv programme, Yo Gabba Gabba.... she LOVES all the songs from the show.... and she shows her happiness and recognition of the songs by clapping her hands to her thighs in rhythm! =)

4 teeth have grown in total, and she's still showing a love for adult food, and a incessant appetite...

these days, when we put her to bed, she'll give us our little squashybabies, and bolsters, as if to make sure that Daddy and Mummy each have something to hug as well! And when she awakens, she gives us the MOST beautiful smile ever.....

so much i can/want to say about her....but..... no words can describe my joy and love for her.... so much so that i can't imagine loving another person as much as i love her......... the love i have for Darling and Faith are 2 totally different types of love.... and it's hard... so hard to imagine ever having to love another as much as I love either of them....

but i shan't think about that....i shall just cherish every moment i have with my little sunshine right now.....

2010-02-04T23:54:00.002+08:00

wow.

i have not blogged for like forever.

i do apologise for the lack of updates on Faith's blog and my own, but life has been insanely hectic.

I have not had a good weekend since school started because it's been chock-filled with activities... i can't imagine how it'd be like if i were still in Legion!

sigh.

I barely have enough time to chill with Darling and Faith..... and pressures from school is really building up. things aren't going the way i'd like them to right now, and everyday, i just wish for a getaway.

i need to recharge.

i NEED time with my family where i can stop thinking about work for a while.

i NEED time to relax.

i have no idea how.

Baby Faith is just growing and changing everyday. I truly wish i had much more time for her because sometimes, the stress and fatigue from work affects me sooo much that i end up getting easily frustrated with her, and she doesn't deserve it at all. The guilt that attacks me after is indescribable.

much as i know that God has his reasons for everything, sometimes, i just can't help but ask why.

Watching her build closer bonds with my mum, i'm happy yet also envious and jealous that i'm not the one building these bonds with her. She searches for my parents all the time now, when before i started school, she wanted Darling and me far more than them.......

it's disgusting that i'm saying such things. but it's the truth.

if only my current life was rewarding in some aspect, or if i were feeling a little more fulfilled in some way, i guess i won't feel so down.

so many things to talk about in the update...much of which are actually happy..... but they are all marred by my current feelings and emotions.

it's just been a bad day.

i want my getaway to australia NOW.

i want my time with Faith and Darling... NOW......

God, please give me strength.

2009-12-23T22:50:00.003+08:00

it's been almost a month since i last blogged!

haha....

enjoying my hols too much la.... it's so nice spending time with my daughter especially since she's trying to achieve more and more new milestones each day!!!

i've been having sooo much fun... hehe... so, i shall briefly talk about everything that's happened since my last post.....

11 - 13 Dec, my entire family 14 adults and 3 kids went on a road trip to KL to visit our paternal relatives.... had loads of fun, and LOTS of bonding.....it's been so long.....far too overdue... our last one was in 2003 to Genting.... i love visiting my relatives in KL... so much warmth.. maybe it's the absence that strengthens the relationship?? Anyway, our main aim was also for them to meet Baby Faith.... =) we went to pay respects to our grandparents too.........took some photos, which u can check out on Baby Faith's blog....

Faith was an absolute darling on the trip......never once making a fuss for no rhyme or reason nor throwing a tantrum.....we're so speechlessly proud of her.... =)

14 Dec, Darling's younger bro's wedding. It was Faith's first time attending a wedding. =) she even served tea to them.... hehe.... many thanks to Winson for agreeing to help out as their photographer on such short notice.....

15 Dec, had dinner with Sheena, Darling and Baby Faith @ Phin's steakhouse, coz I just felt like steak.. hehe....must say that the food quality has definitely increased... =D

16 Dec, brought my grandparents, mum and Faith out for lunch at Nan Bei.... our fave Chinese restaurant after Sheena brought us there... much cheaper and nicer than Crystal Jade Kitchen.. =)

19 and 20 Dec, did grocery and xmas shopping...... love our xmas pressies this year, coz they are so much more meaningful, for our loved ones... hehe...and they are from Baby Faith... hehe...

21 Dec, went to buy Darling's anniversary present.......you know, it's quite hard to get surprises for each other these days, especially since we spend every waking moment with each other and Faith!!! thank God i have my hols to go gallivanting! hahaha....it's harder for my poor darling though, since other than work, he's never away from us!!!! =p so anyway, i wanted to make a calendar for darling, filled with photos of our little family...but i gathered that he wouldn't display it at work, and it'd end up on our computer table drawing dust...so i gave up on the idea....... ended up settling his material wants instead......after all, if you know my darling well enough, he hates spending money on himself.....i've to coax him a million times before he'll buy it...and he's one of those pple who'll see something they like, yet refuse to buy it....but gain contentment simply by going back to the shop to view it over and over again...this stupid habit of his has caused him to miss out on this lovely pair of berms from Nike that went out of stock!!! SIGH.... since he's been wanting his Liverpool jersey since last season, i decided to buy 2 of the 3 available jerseys for him...as well as a PS3 game... since he won't splurge on himself, i'll splurge for him!!!

hehe....i got a lovely mini whiteboard from him for my TO-Do lists at school!!!! i fell in love with it once i set eyes on it...but... didn't want to buy it...felt it was more a want than a need....so darling bought it for me secretly!!! =D

22 Dec, our 2nd wedding anniversary and Baby Faith's turning 9 months!!! we checked out this great place from http://ieatishootipost.com for great food....and we found this place Yakiniku Daidomon located at United Square..... if you didn't already know, i'm a total beef lover...... and darling and me love our fair share of meats.... haha... so, we decided to go....it costs 45.90++ per pax....but the food was fantastic..... can't wait to go there again....... u must really love your meats to enjoy this place....hehehe... for the pics, you can check them out here...

23 Dec, since today is the official anniversary of the date we got together... (7 years and counting!), we decided to give ourselves a little treat and go watch Avatar together....

i totally LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie man...... the visual effects are stunning...so much so that i wanna visit Pandora myself! and the storyline is great.....i loved it.... it's indescribable..... the picturesque forest is still so clear in my head...i think i'm gonna end up dreaming about it tonight....

watching the show, it just irks me to realize how us humans are entirely capable of being as ruthless and cruel as what is depicted in the movie. in fact, we are already doing that...... to kill entire families for the sake of money? sheesh. who the hell do we think we are? just because God gifted us with more abilities and 'brains' than the other living things on earth doesn't mean we ought to take it all for granted.......... i really and truly feel that we deserve 2012 if we as a total human race fail in such a sense...............

Anywayz, on to other things, Faith is really crawling everywhere now....... the best thing about her newfound ability is her reaction when she sees someone come home..... she hears footsteps, then turns around to look.....when she hears the key opening our house lock, she squeals in utter delight then crawls frantically to reach the door in record time to welcome you with the brightest smile ever!!!!

a sight like that makes you forget all your troubles.... =)

no doubt she has her moments where i get so terribly annoyed with her antics.... but i must say, it is true that a mummy can feel her children.... i somehow know what she is feeling if i allow myself to chill and think like her....

she is showing more and more of her personality, and darling and i both agree that she is really outgoing, just like me.....haha...but she's extremely stubborn.... just like the both of us. It turns out that she loves the both of us lots and lots....but she's afraid when i get angry with her. i don't even have to raise my voice... i just have to stare at her.... hmm... i wonder if it's a teacher thing! hahaha.... but on the other hand, she's capable of abusing her father's love for her and gets angry when he speaks sternly to her...so much so that she refuses to be carried by him! can u believe how audacious this little 'angel' is?? =p

yet i must say that she really is adorable and knows how to use her cuteness to her advantage...haha.... she's squealing more and more these days, and is constantly trying to pull herself to stand on anything and everything around the house! she's had a couple of knocks trying to do so...but well, falls and knocks are part of growing up... as long as they're not too serious, i guess it's all okay...... =)

really can't wait for her to start talking and cruising more steadily!!!!

6 more days till it's back to work.....*shudders*...i just wish the hols would never end!!!

2009-12-07T12:10:00.002+08:00

hamster face.

well...so my ordeal is finally over.... first time I went under GA... kinda freaky actually... with all the docs and nurses telling me that my left wisdom tooth is sitting on a very precarious spot...

it didn't help that the patient who did his op before me came back into the day surgery ward looking sooooo extremely stoned and knocked out.

seriously, I've NEVER stayed in a hospital before..... the only time was during Faith's birth... but even that is not counted because Darling was with me throughout it all...so that sense of loneliness never really sets in...

it's quite an experience...really... and well, now i'm on a soft diet...great way to lose weight eh?? hahha....

so... went to watch 2012 and New Moon in the last week or so.... it's been such a long time since we caught a movie...

it's just sooo weird... we constantly wish we had the freedom of going out without Faith...yet when we are out without her, it feels like something is missing!!

anyway, i think the effects of 2012 are really great.... although it's rather 'fake', yet i do think the scenes are really good...... the show really did bring up the selfish side of mankind.... but i do wonder...if this really does happen someday, will we still be equally selfish to want to save ourselves before others??? if this were to happen to me, all i'd want to do is to grab my loved ones, go to the beach, and sit there to pray the rosary... if it's God's will for the world to end, then well, what's the point of running away right?? =)

New Moon was kinda okay.... too much hype, and i do feel that the story was a little draggy... i mean... Bella is sooo super confused isn't she?? if you ask me, i'd rather stick with Edward... i have no idea why..maybe the maturity and the coolness and the suaveness just gives him an added edge... Jacob on the other hand is hot-headed and impulsive.... and still really a little boy at heart...

ah....movies... Darling wants to watch Ninja Assassin...wonder when we can do that.... especially since we are going to malaysia this weekend already.....

so much to do.... with Christmas coming up, school reopening soon, and Faith's birthday too....

Faith is crawling all over the place now, and she moves relatively fast... =) hehe... she's trying to grab everything she can to stand... though when she's tired, she just falls back, so we still have to watch her really closely...

She's addressing us now... and i guess that for now, 'ma-ma' and 'papa' still means the same thing to her... .'papa' needs a bit more practice, but she's going 'mamamama' most of the time now... this little monkey is also very fond of screaming...just for the sake of having fun....

i find it really amusing how she behaves so differently at home and in public...so much so that all the aunties can't believe that she is a true monster at heart... =) she just knows how to get into others' good books... and well, that one trait is someething that makes it impossible to get mad at her....

i can't wait for the trip on Friday.... .it's gonna be fun.. i'm sure... i just hope she survives the long drive without deafening me!!!

2009-12-04T00:24:00.002+08:00

in typing my last post, i was very aware that i would offend some, if not most pple who knew what i was referring to.

yet, i chose to write it because these were my true sentiments

in the process of writing down my thoughts, i realised that i did not give credit to those who deserved it.

and that is my bad.

to say the truth,

from 2 days of observations,

i felt only 2 pple deserved commending, and 1 though not bad, still needed a bit of improvement.
these 2 pple are relatively close to my heart, and they sure did not let us down.
as for the other 1, she was not bad....but it's only the beginning for her....

i will only speak for those 2, because they really worked hard together to ensure the event went well because EVERYONE else failed to do their job they way they were trained to.
no matter how much shit they had to clear of those above and under them,
not once did they give up,
or let their participants in on the fact that the entire event was crumbling underneath their feet.

they do deserve commending,
and i'm not being biased.

if all of u reading this wonder whether i turned up just to criticize every single person,
then well, i can only say you don't really know me at all.
as mentioned previously,
all i smsed told me the event was great, and i was really proud and happy
so we decided to turn up to give all of you support.
but we were disappointed greatly but the amount of oversight on YOUR part.

i've heard that YOU didn't know how or where to ask for our help.

seriously,

i can't help but wonder,

is it that difficult to ask for our help when we were YOUR friends?

ask and u shall receive.

isn't that line something we are all familiar with?

i can't help but wonder if it was truly the fear of troubling us or ego that was causing you to not open your mouth.

clearly, you lacked in manpower with the amount of exams / commitments / lack of experience from your people.

all you had to do was ask, and we could see what we could do to help
if we couldn't ,
you know very well that we would tell you NO....
we aren't that obliged to put ourselves and our child in jeopardy.

But

you chose to continue ON YOUR OWN, unsure, yet unwilling to ask.

i wonder if it's a lack of humility on your part.

1 of the 2 i commended tried to inject some order into the chaos, but clearly, it was not appreciated....not from the start, and definitely not at the end.

isn't it sad how one of your men can alert you to your pure oversight and yet u choose not to see it.......

it's just depressing.

for the record,
i blamed myself before blaming YOU.
because i chose to abandon the ship.
and i felt deeply that it was all my fault.

but now i know

i do know for sure,
that this move was necessary
for you all to wake up

i wonder if you did
because all your participants seemed to love the event.

i can't help but wonder if it was for the right reasons though....
and whether they gained something real from the camp.
or if they loved it because we weren't there to clamp down on discipline.

hey...it's supposed to be fun, ain't it?
well, some of you might say that....but please remember that you all ARE soldiers...
and discipline is an important part of it all....
which it clearly was lacking in this event.

maybe you'll wake up

maybe you won't.

it's all God's plans.

yet, who am i to comment since i'm now an outsider, however experienced i may have been?

i do know one thing for sure.....

if ur event was in any way a success, please thank your participants...and not congratulate yourself....

because they made it work.

not you.

if any one of you reading this are upset by what i've said,

please pause for a minute,

think objectively about everything i've said,

and then think again.

Are you upset coz i'm being biased about what i've said?

or

Are you upset because most, if not all of what i've said is true?

if you know me well enough, you know that i'm writing this with my head, and not my heart,

and that is why it is this blunt.........................

no hard feelings at all......

questions, questions, questions.

2009-12-01T22:07:00.002+08:00

just came back from something we love deeply and have much feelings for.

i am feeling extremely disturbed, troubled, disappointed, upset......bewildered.......

i don't know what to say.

YOU said that it's time for you all to try it out on your own. YOU told me not to take it the wrong way.....

how could i not take it the wrong way? YOUR first line alone is suffice to tell me that we're interfering beyond your comfort zone.

I can tell you how much i questioned myself ever since that day...... do we think too highly of ourselves? are we expecting too much of all of you? should we just not have bothered from the very beginning? is this the right thing to do?

we did not want to be selfish and think only of ourselves. admittedly, we did abandon all of you.... in a sinking ship, no doubt......but we felt that we needed to do right to our child. i am a person who demands to give 100% of herself...nothing less...and if i can't give the best of myself, then i'd rather not give at all.

can't help but think back to 3 years ago where we were left with an almost sunken ship with NO help and NO support, and we had to fend for ourselves. We're just thankful we were all close-knitted enough to battle it all out together -----what is left today is the result of our 'battle'.

we did not want history to repeat itself at all. And so we constantly volunteered our help. whether we were getting married, having a child, we wanted to ensure that you all always have someone to fall back on, to look to for help, and not to feel helpless and totally on your own. we WILL NEVER leave you in the lurch. NEVER. even though we left....there wasn't once where we stopped thinking of you all/prayed for you all.

in the last 5 months, we've always been wondering how things are, even popping by whenever we could just to make sure that everything was okay......to lend a hand/listening ear if it was required....................

but all of these was thrown into our faces by YOUR words alone.

well.

maybe we truly are thinking too highly of ourselves.

i sincerely do believe you all need to walk your own path, journey upon it on your own, because this is no longer our battle, but yours to fight.

THAT is why we did not take the initiative to step in and run the show, but instead just kept on offering our help once and again.

The minute you all requested for help, we started our engines, ready to wade through this storm with all of you.

it was in dire straits. it really was.

but we NEVER gave up on you. even at the one and only meeting we attended, we tried hard to be optimistic and believed in EVERY SINGLE ONE of you.

just like the event in march. It may not have been done to the very best.... but we sincerely thought it was done to the best of your abilities..... and ALL your participants benefitted from the event.

i fear that this event would not be the same.

PLEASE REALIZE THAT RIGHT NOW, I AM NOT SPEAKING ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THE EVENT, BUT THE THINGS/LOGISITICS, SAFETY, PRACTICALITY, DANGERS THAT HAVE ALL BEEN OVERLOOKED.

mind you. we did not attend ANY program. not at all.

and what made all my fears and disappointments arise were things that are TOTALLY UNRELATED to content.

and these things were observed in a mere 15 mins.

safety was definitely overlooked. the way rooms are positioned; the way convenience/comfort of yourselves was placed before your participants; the way your participants were left unattended on more than one occasion to entertain themselves and play cards in the middle of your event............ all these speak volumes to us.

i now know why EVERY SINGLE PERSON i asked said the camp is okay/not bad/going well.

if i were a camper, i'd LOVE the camp, because i have total free reign to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING i want because no one cares about me..............

but if as a camper, i took time to ask myself if my time was fully utilised in this event, i have to say that i was extremely disappointed. because of the 2 hours i spent there, i noticed that less than 1 hour was dutifully maximised to it's fullest potential.......

it amazes me how people, including YOUR leaders, have time to go onto facebook. if this was done during the witching hours, i'd have nothing to say, because of FREE WILL......... BUT people are going onto facebook at 10am! how in the world is that possible if their time was fully maximised and utilised???????????

YOU are deeper in spirituality than ANY ONE OF US......... yet.... obviously, this is not your concern for your participants of this event.

Need i say more?

YOUR leaders DON'T even know the time of the program, not even when it is their own. Not even your second-in-command seems to know.......

an outsider raised a concern which caused YOUR leaders to question themselves and REPROGRAM something that is the MOST MAJOR in the entire event( - at least, it is the most major to me, for after all, only if IT is conducted well, will your participants have gained anything through it. ) this concern, when probed further by yours truly only gave me more reasons for worry....................how could YOU have overlooked it?

once again, i am NOT questioning the content of your event, or even the ability of your leaders, for SO MANY of them are young and new. what i am questioning is YOUR OVERSIGHT in more ways than one... and how you failed to think about/foresee such things that are GREAT BIG problems!

i was so tempted....so very tempted to stay on....but my most obvious reason for leaving did not give me a chance to. i wanted to stay not because i wanted to laugh and say 'I told you so'.... nor was it because i wanted to show my power/ high experience/ability...... but because i really wanted to ensure the participants gain something from this event.

once again, i must say the LORD is GREAT, for your participants are true angels. had you had a more trouble-making bunch of people, i am sure YOU'd be faced with a multitude of problems...and severe ones at that.

my only sadness comes from the fact that we have new faces, of which some belong to the lost sheep...........if i were them, i'd tell myself to be thankful for not having gone for this event in the last few years, because my time was not utilised properly at all................

YET, i can't help but remind myself that i chose to leave.

AND i can't help but ask myself if this is part of God's plan....that like a parent, it's time for me to let go of your hands and let you fall on your own, just so you'll learn how to pick yourself up once again..................is this your journey to journey on alone without us?????

i can't help but wonder..........

2009-11-30T22:05:00.002+08:00

this last week or so has been TOTALLY insane...... whether at work or at home....

at work, there's been a mountain of work to do.... reviewing the past year, planning and re-preparing next year..... sigh.... even till now, it's not finished...we've only completed a term of work!!!! *shudders*....... though the hols start tomorrow for me... yet... i fear to think of what lies ahead in 2010...

at home... it's not good either...... after my last post, i had a major swelling gum......turns out that God decided to give me some 'wisdom'!!! my wisdom teeth started hurting.........those of you who know me well enough know of my phobia of dentists...i'd rather DIE than to visit a dentist..... but, i was in SOOO much pain, i decided to go after 2 days.... well, seems that the dentist world has improved by leaps and bounds in the last 7 years!!! hahaha....now, it's no longer as scary...i mean, i still am scared, but it's not as bad......

i still shudder when i think of those days where the school dentist dug hard at our teeth, scolded us for eating before seeing her... and we tasted blood from our gums....rinsed and shuddered at what came out........ they should have made ALL dentists the way it is now, and no one would ever be scared!

totally LOVE my dentist at The Dental People, which is near my house...... he's awesome man!!! hahaha....

anyway, i have to remove ALL 4 of my wisdom teeth THIS friday! will be going to NUH to go under GA coz seeing as my phobia of dentists have not totally been diminished, i will not put myself under the fear and terror of hearing and seeing everything that's being done....

sigh... this has to happen a week before our trip to M'sia and 3 weeks before Christmas!!! and during my hols!!! i MUST recover ASAP!!!!!

me aside? Faith is still sick... =( she has a terrible cough and mild bronchitis.... had to rent a nebulizer home for her to inhale.....the poor girl goes through so much agony of medicine...and her phelgm is still haunting her.....

tomorrow's her review... i just hope she gets better....

some things have happened this few days which have made me reflect a lot about relationships....

i used to be a spoilt brat in our relationship..... i really was.... at the smallest of fights, i'd say that we should take time to cool off........ i just thank God for darling, for he never once gave up on us...and he often scolded me... he'd say that if I could mention such things so lightly, it's obvious that the relationship doesn't mean anything much to me.....otherwise, why would i give up so lightly?

it is so true.

if a relationship is no longer worth fighting for, giving up all you have just to keep it alive, then it no longer is worth anything at all.

we've been together for 1 month short of 7 years already.... to people who are still dating, it may seem like forever...to people like my parents who've been married for close to half a century, we've only just begun........

things weren't always smooth-sailing.... we've had our major fights and all...esp when we first started, and the relationship was still rocky... but we have grown...as a COUPLE...... the journey of a relationship is something in which you have to walk TOGETHER.....

LOVE is not only about giving or taking entirely....... the entire road, is a compromise on both sides...... at times you may fall, at times you may jump..... but through it all, you have to hold onto each other's hands, and walk beside one another.....no one leads, no one follows.....you walk TOGETHER......

i used to fret and complain and whine about how Darling never ever spoke up or shared his thoughts....... we fought A LOT over stupid things like that...... we still do! =) but....once i've gotten my frustration out of my system, i ask myself, why do i bother? that's the way he is, isn't it? i knew he was like that from the very 1st month we were together.....yet, i still chose to believe in him, to love him....and for that very same reason, it is why i should accept him.... for better or for worse.....these words speak volumes....it's not only in the material/financial sense...or in the physical/mental health sense.......it's also in terms of one's imperfections.......

no. I'm not saying you should entirely forgive EVERYTHING the person does wrongly... especially if it encroaches on your rights...........morally, if a person is wrong, he/she is wrong and punishable.... that is for sure.....

what i'm saying is that after the heat of the moment has left us, we need to stop. take a breather and think about it all........we should not focus on the mistake, but on the reason behind it. weigh the differences..... what's more important here? the relationship or the sin? yes, we must think with our heads once in a while....but in this case, isn't this a relationship after all? does it not concern emotions? we aren't judging for the person to be hung or not....but whether the love matters in this case......

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.......means loving no matter what the person does......i.e. a mother/wife/sister/daughter who would send a loved one to jail for murdering/stealing/drug-trafficking, etc......yet still say sincerely that 'I still love him'.....

Yes. they need to be punished...but not by us........

as the line i read from a web article,

"Mum, love me most when i deserve it the least"

it applies to everyone or everything that we love..............

how much can we forgive?

i only have this to say.... if you love, you will forgive no matter what............

of course, if the person no longer loves you, then there's no longer any point in all of this.....but if you and the other person still love each other....then...doesn't love remove it all?????

always remember why you fell in love the very first time.....the reasons you fell for the person... the reason you decided to walk this path together........

"i promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life...."

this was on the web together with my quote from above...find it extremely true...... =)

Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams!
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of infinite,
And He bends you with His might.
That His arrows may go swift and far!
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So He loves also the bow that is stable.

--Kahlil Gibran

I find it so extremely true......for my students....for Faith.....for those i love - as friends or family...... it's really something i will make myself remember.....

2009-11-19T16:22:00.002+08:00

it's been a terribly long time since I last blogged.

I tell you... teachers work like mad dogs once the end of the year comes......we have no time to eat, no peace of mind when we sleep...and all we can do is to stare at the computer all day long if we aren't in class....all to ensure that the marks are keyed in correctly...that the remarks in the report book are gramatically correct and politically pleasing.... that all the other awards, etc are keyed in correctly.... sheesh..it's madness...then comes all the checking of papers, signing, etc etc etc.... it's just endless..... pretty much no one had time to eat properly..... the entire staff room was a mad rush....

but.. thank goodness, the kids are gone for their hols now.... =)

the WHOLE public world think teachers are SOOO lucky, coz we have holidays....sigh... that's what they THINK.... with the 'farewells' to our little 'angels', it's 'hello' to 8-5 meetings and reviews cum planning for the year ahead.....

doesn't help that Faith has caught some weird bug from God knows where, then passed it on to me, then to darling, then to my dad...and now she's got it again.... sigh... Faith and me are coughing like some dogs, and i've had a horribly 'sexy' voice for a week already! =(

JXY is in a week or so. it's weird to not have to think about it. had wanted to lend our hand because their pple are so new and they seem so unprepared.. .but.. i guess our help is not needed and is uncalled for. In fact, people find us unnecessary and helping too much...... i'm greatly shocked, hurt and appalled. We only helped because they needed it... and suddenly they turn around and say that we should let them try it out on their own. HA. So much for lending our time to them when they most needed it. We never even stepped in until they asked for it.....everything was in dire straits due to lack of foresight and planning by their own leaders. But fine. since our help is uncalled for, and we are seen as being unwanted, i don't see the point in even wasting my time any longer.

For the record, we do not think that we are superior to any of you. We are only lending our hand because the current point you're at doesn't seem like you're ready for your camp which is in a week's time, and thus, we hope that by helping, we'd be able to gear you all in the right direction so that you'd be ready. But since you see us as interfering in your camp, then fine. We WILL NOT interfere any longer. because you don't need it anyway. We only helped because we hated that feeling of abandonment we felt when we were left to fend for ourselves with no support. We thought you might appreciate it too. But apparently we thought wrong. We assume too much. And therefore, we will not interfere any longer. Since you all think you are ready for what lies ahead, then so be it. We will wash our hands off EVERY SINGLE thing. Unless we are asked, we WILL NO LONGER APPEAR, because we interfere too much. So be it.

... in the midst of all the madness of school and unhappy stuff, Faith is still a darling to be with... she just seems to want to gain her independence quickly. She refuses to crawl, and would rather use her head and legs to propel her forward than to use her hands! sooo weird... these days, she usually roams around the entire bed at night, using everything around her to help her to stand... before she falls back onto her diaper-protected bum.... and instead of learning to crawl, she'd rather walk! so right now, she can walk, if we hold her hands... =) will she walk even before she crawls? That seems like a high possibility!!!!

right now she can sit all by herself, and she knows how to pull herself to a sitting position all by herself from when she's lying down! am so proud of her.... she's still a small baby for her age, especially since she's still drinking and eating like a horse! but, i'm happy with her size and her milestone achievements!

Faith is such a cheeky baby.... you should see how she tries to snatch my glasses from my face and pull my hair... and when i turn around to stare at her, she gives me the brightest, widest and cheekiest smile ever just so i won't scold her! can you believe that!

the smile i love most is her crinkled nose smile... she imitates my smile... and when she finds it really funny, she even snorts! hahahaha... .my dad is saying it looks so 'ugly'.. hehe... but i find it really cute!

Christmas is coming soon... she'll be spending her first Christmas already!!!! =D am so looking forward to it... just a couple months more and she'll be turning 1 year already!!! i already have SOO many ideas... =) everything's still being worked out though..... gonna do up the whole place with nice decor and all....

so much to look forward to... can't wait to spend the hols with her!!!! =)

the wounded....

2009-10-26T17:01:00.002+08:00

it's been a crazy month since my last post....

the only reason i have any time to post is because i'm on MC today and tomorrow due to the very bad sprained wrist and 2 sprained ankles.....

sigh.. i can deal with sprained ankles any day....as those of you who know me well enough know that sprained ankles are like part and parcel of my life! but a sprained wrist is something i'm struggling to cope with...especially since it's on my dominant left hand......

doesn't help that i need both hands to look after Baby Faith!!!!

sigh... but i'm coping.... =)

anywayz... much has happened.. life is sooooo busy.... the girls are having their SA2 papers as of this week... the week before that has been a mad rush to complete the syllabus and revision papers! marking and correcting endlessly.......

so... P1 again next year? I'll be getting the same classroom, but an entirely new batch of students... what will it hold for me? I really have no idea but to just trust in the Lord.....

JXY is in one month... Darling and myself are desperately trying to help them get through it all... coz as of now, they still seem terribly terribly unprepared..... it doesn't help that they had some irresponsible soul in their midst... someone that disappointed every single one of us terribly.... i hate people who break promises...... i can't understand why you must leave with immediate effect when they are already crumbling... will it kill you to stay on just that couple months more so that they can at least complete the year?

No.. you are simply far too selfish to do that. No time for studies? Ha... what a joke... if your reason for leaving is that important, i don't see why you can't say the truth. when you told us you wanted to step up, you said it's coz you want to give back to Legion. Give back, my ass... you aren't even there for 2 months.... and you say we have expectations of you?! Our expectations came from your own mouth... your promise to God ON THE ALTAR! why do you even bother seeing what God thinks when you can't even fuilfill your own promise?

I really have no idea what is wrong with you... i pity the broken hearts and dreams of those you love... those who believed in you. People whom you have destroyed with your own selfishness.

sheesh.

i shan't injure my wrist further by wasting my time typing about you....... i just hope you come up with some valid reason for why you are leaving. whatever it is, i don't give a shit. you no longer exist in my life.

anyway, Faith is really growing up....

7 months already.. .it's scary to see the weeks fly by like that.....

week after week, the difference in her is just growing... =) she's eating more and more food now, and i really can't wait to feed her adult food! hehe.. i'm sure she'll love it.. coz right now, she prefers all these food rather than her rice cereal... and i don't blame her one teeny bit at all! =)

soon she'll be crawling round the house.. really can't wait for that to happen! my little sunshine... she really is the sunshine in our lives.....

love her to bits and pieces... except for the times when she drives us up the wall of course!

alright then.. will update again, asap! =)

2009-09-27T16:25:00.002+08:00

my poor little sunshine is sick.

It pains my heart so to see her cry because of her discomfort... to see her usual active self so listless and tired because all her energy is spent fighting the virus.....

The last 4 days have been terribly exhausting.......

It doesn't help that my parents aren't exactly helpful in helping to take care of her.... they keep thinking it's coz of the jab that she's getting a fever.... but it's more than that.... she has a viral infection that is causing the fever to be so high....

It sucks for us adults to have high fever that last for more than 2 days... what more a poor little 6 month old baby?

We haven't had a proper night's sleep because she keeps waking up due to her discomfort.... and half the time she's screaming coz she needs attention.....

i just wish others could be more considerate towards her right now.... i really want her to get better......

she's been trying so hard to be brave and to be her happy jolly old self... but it's hard for her to even finish a normal feed right now... not even her favourite solid foods make a difference to her anymore...

just wish we could stay home to watch her till she gets better.... but.. sigh.... i really don't know how..........

get well soon my honeybun.....

2009-09-08T15:58:00.002+08:00

i can't help but w0nder why Baby Faith's blog is so much more updated than my own??!! =) is her life more interesting than mine even though she spends most of it doing nothing but sleep, eat, play?? =D

i guess i'm just more eager to document her life and what happens to her...not only for those who dont' get to see her all the time, but also for Faith's own reading pleasure when she grows up. I wonder what she'll think when i show her this blog when she's older.... =)will she think her mum's insane to spend all this time doing such rubbish? haha.. i really have no idea......

am i doing all these for her because she's the first and only one right now? Will my future kids have the same things as she does? her own personal book that documented her journey from the time of conception up till now, her own personal blog.... and soon, her own personal studio album?? I did discuss this with Darling before... and we do hope my interest in doing such things for our kid(s) won't fade... especially if and when we do get another one!

I've quite a fair bit of things to accomplish before this week is over..... an assignment to complete, evaluation for my practicum file... a write-up for the Senior Curia e-mag....

Yet... such mundane things are not on my priority to complete... i'm relishing the time i have at home... to just relax... to just have time for ME and ME alone.... whenever Faith takes her nap, i just want to chill, nap, surf the net........ I guess if my parents were at home a little more during this last 2 days, i'd be better able to complete my work....

I just love being at home.... just yesterday, i've already accomplished 2 loads of laundry.... if my mum didn't iron the clothes, i would have completed it too... and now, i'm looking to make tiramisu for Darling because he feels like eating it.... plus, i've never done it at home before, and also coz it's his birthday next Saturday!

What can we do to celebrate it on such a tight budget? I really have no idea... but i do want to make it special for him....ah well... with that on my mind as well, it's no wonder why i can't settle down to get my work done!!!!

Took Faith on her very first bus ride today. haha. She seemed to enjoy it loads.... smiled at every single person we met!!! such a funny girl she is...... she really is an extreme baby. She's either VERY happy, or extremely annoyed... sigh.... just like me, she demands to do things her own way, and is terribly impatient....

had a great time at the Zoo with her on Saturday, and she was extremely well-behaved. we're super proud of her.... =)

come term 4, i hope i still have time to do such things with her....... will be taking Primary 1.. .the level I dread most. Not that i can't connect with them or bring myself down to their level. It's just that P1s take so much of your energy.

You have to be super animated to teach them, so that they stay interested in your lesson. No matter how you feel, you have to be SUPER DUPER happy whenever you teach them... because they would otherwise sense it......

it doesn't help that i'll be teaching ART!!!! my goodness... i can't draw to save my life! sheesh....

i guess if I didn't have a baby at home, i won't find it such a daunting task....... for Faith requires that same amount of energy from me whenever I'm home... maybe even more.....so, i've to be on an 'adrenaline Red-Bull' kinda energy rush for 24 hrs each day!!!

it's gonna be a mentally and physically tiring 3 months.... but...... I will do my very best to cope.... as always... =) after all, the Lord has his plans......

2009-08-29T23:36:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time... almost a month since i last posted!

I've been terribly busy with work.......

Thank goodness... my TP is finally coming to an end.

1 more week and it'll all be over.

This whole period has been extremely tough on me.

It has been trying..... and it really isn't easy trying to live up to expectation of my own and of others.

I've made a few relatively BIG mistakes in this process.

Apparently, from those watching me, it seems that I'm not myself... i'm not as focused as I used to be. Something IS bothering me... Something IS stopping me from reaching where I usually am able to reach.... Something is not allowing me to have as much confidence as I used to have....

The problem is,

I HAVE NO IDEA what that SOMETHING is!!!

I've tried to think so hard.....

but i really can't detect it.

SIGH......

ever since we left Legion and got caught up in our own lives,

I can't help but feel so distant from God.

He is still part of my life....

But I guess that becoming a Sunday Catholic has somewhat ruined my relationship with him.

I need to work at getting it back to.

I guess that this relationship is what grounds me....

Maybe that is what's affecting me.

So fellow Legionaries, if you are reading this, please please ask me for help if you need it ok?

I really would not mind helping you guys out!

Although I am stretched for time....

But I'm really more than willing to help out.. .=)

Anyway, that aside.......

I do enjoy this class.

They are so different from the class I had last year.

Time passes so quickly, and my time with them is coming to an end.

I have no idea what's in store for me for Term 4.....

I do know though, that I'll be floating....

So, my timetable will start at 10.30am... and end about 4 or 5pm.....

Was supposed to be in the AM session.. but because my mum can only be home after 11am to take over babysitting, I am unable to do so......

5 months have passed.

It's scary to see how time just flies by.

Feels like only yesterday that Faith was just born!

And now, she's already moving on to solids....

Being a mother really requires so much....

time, energy, patience, love.... etc etc etc......

yet... it's returns are simply in the smile you get from your child.

I can't help but feel warmed in love when she smiles so widely each time she sees me return from work.... =D

All my frustrations get melted away.....

Of course, there are times where i get irritated with her moods and her demands for endless attention from me.....

Times when I get so tired and bogged down by the amount of housework that comes with having a baby... the lack of freedom that Darling and me have.....

But... her smiles, her laughter... her playfulness, her attempts and silly antics that make us laugh uncontrollably...all these are more than enough to make up for it.....

The love I have for her and Darling are soooo different.....

But i know... that having them alone has made my life complete......

And I am so extremely grateful to have them in my life.

2009-08-09T22:24:00.002+08:00

It's been a long while since i last posted.

To say that I am busy is an understatement.

I'm overwhelmed by work, and i'm swamped in it.

To say the truth, I can't wait for Term 3 to be over.
Then i'll be rid of all of these......
I love my job, I do.
I just think my sup's expectations are ridiculous.

I'm not suggesting that being a full-fledged teacher is gonna be FAR easier than what I'm doing now, for there'll be many things to do....and i'll have far more teaching periods than what I have now.

But, i'll feel that my time spent on work will be much more worth it than right now.
At the very least, most of my time willl be spent doing admin, dealing with children/parents, marking, etc..... and it's time well spent... rather than spending it doing nothing but planning.

Yes, I do admit.
All this planning is making me do much more than I usually would, and I have evolved as a teacher.....
But.... just writing the lesson plans alone... sheesh.
I could go mad.

I was so stressed a week or so ago, i just broke down.

It really isn't easy going back to work... especially to a job that demands so much of you....
and then to come home in the evening to a child.

I love her so much, and I just want to enjoy time with her that I just try to be happy all over again, no matter how tired i am, just so she'll enjoy my company.

In the process, I tire myself out further.

Took me a while.... almost 6 weeks, to get my momentum back.

But, I'm getting there.....

Went to watch Harry Potter with Darling last weekend.
Our first movie since Faith was born.

I can't express to you how guilty I felt during the movie.
But, I know it was necessary.
No matter how much we love her, we still need some alone couple time away from everything else......
I did enjoy myself though.
Felt the movie was quite good... =)

Also went on a cruise on Friday.... it was my first Teacher's Day dinner....
Haha...
It was fun... and it was on the ship that Darling and me had originally wanted to use for our wedding.
As I was having my dinner, I was wondering how different the wedding dinner might have been if we'd stuck to the ship.
It's a nice place to have a wedding, albeit a little rocky coz of the waves...

It was my first night away from Faith.... usually I'm always with her in the evenings....
So, it did feel extremely weird.
I kept thinking of her in the beginning, but I guess that once everything really began, I managed to put her at the back of my mind, and just enjoy myself.
I really did have some fun. =)

Going for the dinner, I'm simply thankful that I am where I am right now.
This school is where I'd wanna remain....

2009-07-17T22:53:00.003+08:00

madness madness madness.

i'm EXTREMELY tired......exhausted....

for now, i'm just glad that i'm able to put aside matters at home whilst i'm teaching and to give 100% at work........to stop calling home to check how Faith is, and to just trust that my mum is doing well with her..............

ever since Faith fell ill, she's been waking up in the middle of the night at about 2 or 3am....regardless of how much milk she's taken in for the day......it's really taking a physical toll on darling and myself.....and we're just so tired each morning........

She's drinking so much milk lately...never below 1000ml in a day for the last week or so!!!

Yet, although we both are so tired, just seeing her grin and smile in delight every evening as she welcomes us home.........we just forget how tired we are. =)

She's getting more and more talkative....and she's smiling ever so readily these days..... =)

It's amazing how much attention she draws everytime we bring her out....and we can't help but to be so proud of her.

5 more days and she'd be 4 months old already...... i can't wait to start her on solid foods!!!! =D

it hasn't been easy juggling between work and home..... there's just so much to do....

yet, i'm trying my very best to cope......

it doesn't help that EVERYONE i know has very high expectations of me. =(
I ought to be glad that all of them think so highly of me.
( This includes even the expectations of my principal! )

The fact that they've put me to understudy a teacher with star qualities just tells me that they want me to learn from her, and to be as good, if not better, than her.

It's a large shoe to fill.
Especially when i can no longer devote the same amount of time to doing my lesson planning and searching for resources.......

But, i still have to cope....
I guess that knowing that they have such high expectations of me just makes me place even more stress on myself as i hate disappointing others.
Having a baby to look after is not an excuse, but part and parcel of life.
I just have to grit my teeth and do my very best to live and deal with it...... And at the same time, pray for strength.....

disappointed beyond words

2009-07-06T22:35:00.002+08:00

i've had enough.

seriously.

i've been trying so hard to tolerate this nonsense because i didn't want to ruin relationships.

but i'm so bloody annoyed that i'm speechless.

to whose conscience this strikes, i hope you reflect.

we discussed what being in this role took.... you agreed with us that time was the biggest factor.

and yet, since the start of her presence, you've seen her less than 10 times.

you continue to expect that our lives will still be the same, that our priorities have not changed.

i'm sorry if you don't realise that the biggest change anyone could experience in their lives has happened to us.

you expect the world to revolve around you.

just FYI, it doesn't.

You work, so do all of us.
As I always say. God gives everyone 24 hours. What you choose to do in that 24 hours is purely up to you.
He asked his disciples if one hour is too much to give to Him.....
We ask the same question to you.

despite being in your field, you don't seem to understand the importance of sleep to her.
Nope.
You definitely don't.

Visiting hours are put from 6 to 8pm for a very good reason.

Yet, you fail to realise it.

the very least you can do is to give a call and give us an estimate of what time you'll come.

But it seemed, you can't even do that, and expect to pop by anytime.
you actually seemed surprised when we told you not to bother coming anymore.

is commonsense that rare nowadays?

you probably think i'm being a big B***H and A*****E for writing like that.

But i think i've been too nice for too long.
All because relationships came first.
Despite how annoyed i am, we still always put you first.
Just in case you don't realise, you get the NICEST and BEST THOUGHT of gifts for your birthday and christmas ALL THE TIME.
Money is NEVER a factor.
All because darling cares about you enough to rack his brains for you.

But i don't think you realise that presence matters... especially to one so young.

What your relationship is with her... depends on how you build it up.
If you're happy with a distant relationship, it's fine with me.

Just don't question why she's MUCH MUCH closer to two other people who owns the same title as you.

Because they make EVERY effort to come see her, play with her and most importantly, spend time with her, EVERY MINUTE THAT THEY CAN, NO MATTER HOW TIRED THEY ARE.

I'm just thankful right now that she's far too young to understand what it means to be disappointed... coz otherwise, she'd have been disappointed so many times that she wouldn't trust anymore.

Loaded with worries

2009-07-06T18:11:00.002+08:00

My mind is terribly bogged down.

I have to start teaching tomorrow... am wondering if i'll be able to do as good a job as I always had... after all, my life has changed tremendously... my priorities are different, and I have less time to work on my lesson plans and resources....

My previous supervisor told my current supervisor that I'm a solid teacher.... sigh... i take it as a fantastic compliment.. .but i'm also worried that she's caused my current supervisor to set a very high benchmark and expectation for me.... making it harder for me to meet expectations.... =(

But I know I've racked my brains to make ALL my lessons for the rest of this term interesting, learner-centred and something from which my students can gain... i just hope i'm able to deliver...

I used to be able to put everything aside, and put work in first place when i'm at work. I used to be able to do anything and everything the school required of me... all because i know i need to do well, and I have my own high expectations to meet.... but now, things are different. Each time I receive a duty and have to go to school earlier, I feel terrible.. coz it means I have to leave Baby Faith earlier.... and have lesser time with her.....

I want so much to do my lesson plans in the night, to write out what i can... but by night time, I'm usually far too tired to be able to do anything....

Sigh... I really hope to learn to manage my time better.......

To make things worse... Baby Faith has just fallen sick.

She's coughing so badly.... the past few days, she'd already been having a dry cough, but we just tried to give her more water... today, her cough had phelgm... and she's sneezing so often.. plus she has a stuffy nose.

Darling and me got worried, and we decided to take her to the doctor's to check...... turns out she's got quite a bad flu.... Doctor gave her some medicines, and told us to bring her back on Thursday for a review. If she's still not well by then, she might have to be warded, as it's very likely that this might develop into bronchitis or asthma....

sigh.... it's heartbreaking to watch her like that.... she can't even sleep well because she's coughing every few mins..... and her appetite is affected because of that. She cries coz she's feeling lousy, and there's nothing we can do to help her get rid of the phelgm that's clogging up her lungs. =(

Yet.. she's such a strong and happy baby. I really am so proud of her. Despite feeling terrible, she's not miserable or crying all the time... instead, she continues to smile everytime someone smiles at her, sings to her or plays with her.... she is really such a happy baby.... Darling and me are so proud of her.... and at the very same time... our hearts are aching so terribly....

I just really hope she'll get better soon.......

2009-07-04T10:40:00.002+08:00

It's been a crazy week.......all the things that has to be done due to the H1N1...... and yet, i guess that bochap Singaporeans still exist.......

oh well......

Will be starting to teach next week... suddenly i feel fearful..... worried that i've lost the touch... But i know i have to carry on.....

It's tough having to juggle between lesson planning, housework and looking after Baby Faith.... I feel so terribly tired and lethargic.... and i constantly wish i could spend more time with her....

She laughs so much these days, and i can't help but look forward to seeing her radiant smile each time i come home from work..... that smile alone chases away all my tiredness and worries about work....

She misses me so much, that at night, she seems to only want me.... at least until she's extremely tired...and needs her Daddy's power of making her sleep...... she needs the both of us for different reasons, and we're just contented to provide her with all that she needs....

2009-06-27T09:33:00.002+08:00

This is so so so so so disappointing.

i've read a couple of blogs in the last hour or so as i'm doing other stuff..... namely, those who had some outing yesterday.
(Those of you who don't know me well enough probably think i'm super kaypoh to read all your blogs...but to me, I read only coz I care about your lives.. and about what is happening to you...)

i have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what were the exact contents of what all of you talked about.... but from what I gather through your words, Darling and me more or less got the idea.

We are speechless.

Speechless beyond words.

Your fight hasn't even BEGUN.. and all of you are thinking of giving up?

Is this what you've gained from us in the 3 years or more?

You haven't even taken the first step, but already, all of you are lamenting how tired you are... how much you all can't take it, and wondering if it's all worth it.

If this is the general feel of all of you who are remaining, then we really are fearful of the road ahead.

Ian is still around to help all of you.... Angela, Mark, Nigel, Darling and myself... despite the fact that we aren't physically around any longer, yet did we not offer our help to you? All of you taking over are close to at least one of us stated above.... we are not strangers, and we've all been through thick and thin together. Which makes it such that you all shouldn't even be afraid to ask us for help or advice!

What you are taking over is not in shambles. We can even be your 职委 if you really want us to be. You have to realise that we are quitting not because we want to wash our hands off Legion, but because our personal committments are not gonna allow us to give all of you our very best... and none of us want to shortchange any of you. You may feel that you are not ready... but God is there for you.. and so are we... He will guide you through... all you need is faith and trust...literally.

When we took over. We had NOTHING. Curia attendance was crap. No one bothered about anything. There had been no JXY for a year... we were in ruins. And we had NO HELP at all. In the first year, we had to get everyone back, we had to find a spiritual director all by ourselves, we had to get the Legion spirit back, we had to come up with a far better system and way of doing things, we had to hand in our annual report with ZERO guidance.... yet we NEVER EVER gave up. All because our love for this ministry was so so strong.

And before we knew it, 3 years has gone by.

It's not been an easy road, and we definitely did not do a perfect job. There's so many things that can be improved on, so many things we could have done better.

But one thing for sure. We gave our all. And we NEVER gave up.

And that is what matters.

You can only give your best, and trust in God to do the rest.

He has His plans, which may not be what we planned. We only can trust in Him.

There are so many things I wish I could have done to save this whole situation.
So many ideals.
So many wishes from all of us.

All these aren't fulfilled.
I ain't happy about it.
But I remind myself that what I want may not be what God wants.
And that maybe, our time is up, and that it's up to you, the new generation to take over.

But we did hope that we brought the message across well enough for you all to understand that we ain't going nowhere... and that you'll only be rid of us if you want to.....

Apparently, the message ain't clear enough.

You seem to think you're fighting this journey on your own, and that the future looks bleak.

If that is how all of you are thinking, then I have nothing to say.

We can only be your support.
You all are the ones who must fight on and take action.
But if that alone seems an impossible task to you before you begin,

Then, you have already lost the fight.

We started with no support but ourselves, with many dreams and ideals of others that we had to fulfill.
Yet we didn't give up.
Not for 3 years.
The road is now yours.
It's your decision to make as to whether the battle can still be carried on.

It's your choice. Not ours.
It's not a matter of can or cannot.
It's a matter of will or will not.

As God said,
"I never said it was gonna be easy. I only said it was gonna be worthwhile."

2009-06-26T19:14:00.001+08:00

It's been a long week.

To all my dear friends out there reading this, who are starting school on Monday, you have no idea how hard your teachers have been working in this past week.

It has been a madness frenzy ever since Wednesday, since we were called back for an emergency meeting.
The endless calling of parents, checking for details, travel history, updating of contact details, labelling of envelopes, etc etc...
And then there's ALL the lesson planning and worksheet prep in the case of school closure....

ALL OF THESE had a deadline.... Wednesday afternoon.... and we started work on that very day itself........

And after all these were completed..... we had to call parents the next day to check for receipt of letter, as well as prepare lessons for those on Leave of Absence because they came back from an affected countries....

It is TERRIBLY TERRIBLY insane....

But we survived...

Monday is gonna be a pandemonium, a frenzy.... especially with the new trigger temperature set at 37.6 deg.....

Lessons are gonna be SOOOO affected that I believe many will wonder why not close school instead.....

But on a personal viewpoint, it really is FAR FAR safer for all the kids to be in school (provided the parents are truthful about travel history, of course!)

Why? you may ask....

Here's why..... even if school closes, I'm VERY VERY certain that all the students would be roaming around in the malls, cinemas, arcades, etc etc etc...... what makes everyone so sure that all the other people walking around you are safe from the virus? You'll never know when you are shopping or out there.... and there are many many irresponsible people........

However... in school, you are in a protected and sheltered environment.... everyone who is in school has already been deemed safe... and therefore, ought to pose no threat to your health at all.....

So many measures are taking place to ensure no kids are put at risk....... and so, if you really are wishing for school closure because you are worried about your health.. .i seriously tell you that school is gonna be far safer....... =)

My parents' friends just came back from Thailand.....an affected country...... and instead of staying home to keep other people safe... there they are roaming about... going to church and all... I'm TERRRIBLY annoyed....don't they know that they are putting themselves and others at a risk? The worst part is... they have 2 grandkids at home... of which the eldest is probably 4 years of age..... and i believe that on Monday, they're still gonna send him to school... because to them, they aren't affected, and therefore their kids and grandkids ought to be safe. *shakes head* I really don't understand these people........ When i see them on Sunday, I'm gonna keep a 3m distance from them.....

Anyway.... we had a staff team-building exercise at Kampong Glam yesterday... it was relatively fun.. although I'm EXTREMELY tired..... found a lot of interesting places to go to in that area.. and made some perfume and all.... hehe.... had a good time.. .and of course, some much-needed exercise! hehehee....

I'm really loving SAC... love the community feel... love how everyone helps everyone out... love that you are never gonna be left out... of course, it's not a perfect world.... there are things that people don't like... etc etc etc... but at least, when someone helps you, you know it's out of sincerity and not because they have an underlying motive.... =)

Michael Jackson passed away. I don't have much thoughts or feelings about it.... but....... yesterday, when Darling started looking for all his MTVs, especially those of our era, it really brought back a whole load of memories.....He was and is the King of Pop.... love all his dance moves coz they were so special in his time... and even now... i don't think any music artiste can truly dance the way he does. =)

Our weekend is filled with activities... yesterday, Darling and me bought Baby Faith out... .and we went to Sakae for dinner... .the manager there remembered us... because we've been going there so often since before i was pregnant, then almost once every week in the later stages of my pregnancy... and this time we brought Faith there! hahaa....

Will be going to try and get the Liverpool car decal later on.... and to give a surprise to Angela..... then... in the afternoon, will be going over to Nigel's place to cook lunch before we go off to the beach... Baby's gonna have a wonderful Saturday with her godparents.... =D

Sunday's gonna be less packed, but i believe we're still gonna have good family time together..... after all, it's the last weekend before i officially start work... yet.. weekends are still gonna be family time.... =)

alright now... many things to be done.... have endless lesson plans to write.... and have to prep for our outing later!!!!

2009-06-20T15:39:00.003+08:00

Just found out about something that apparently has already been in existence for quite some time, of which we've all suspected but never really thought about.... sheesh... i can't express how dumb i feel... and i only found out about it by chance! oh well..

Sorry.. that's a random thought that's kinda bothering me... =)

Anyway, been spending lots of time with Nigel and Sheena lately.... funny how since we've named them as Faith's other godparents, they've been coming round a whole lot!

Had asked Sheena for a favour to babysit Faith coz I was busy.. and Faith simply adores the funny games they've come up with together... haha.. she's taken a million shots of Faith... in addition to the numerous ones that I take already! Sigh.. .now I've SOOO many photos to develop!

Nigel comes round every Friday after he books out... and we went out for dinner yesterday.... Sheena and Nigel were so eager to carry Faith in the baby carrier, so we let them do so.. Darling and me ended up with an empty stroller, and people were still trying to figure out where our baby was! haha... i commented that we probably look like parents in depression! =p Baby Faith loves their company and well, for that hour or so, she looked like their child, and Darling and me were free for a while!

Haha..... this makes me confident that I can leave her in their care in future..... =D

Have been discussing so much about weddings with Sheena coz her friend's in the planning process, and we came up with this idea that if they couldn't find a place by the time they get married, they can rent a room from us first... esp since Nigel's gonna be posted overseas quite often, and Sheena won't want to stay alone.. haha.. that'll be fun.. an extra pair of hands to help me with Faith... hehe.....

Mac & Cheese next Saturday ya?? ;p

Had a family celebration on Thursday for Father's Day.. Darling celebrated his first Father's Day... and well, as always, it was a nice and warm dinner with 2 of my 3 brothers... =)

Next week is gonna be a busy week... and when most teachers return to work in preparation for the Term ahead... preparations are also being made in the case of school closure due to the virus... sigh.. i wonder how it's gonna affect my attachment...

With the onset of meetings are also the fact that I've to really leave Faith on her own with my mum now..... my mum hasn't officially taken care of Faith all by herself yet... and I only hope that my mum can help us keep to the schedule we've kept for Faith so far... and be able to handle her well.......I can only pray for the best.....

Baby Faith is now teething.... which by itself, is already weird.. because most babies only begin their journey at 3 months plus, and she only turns 3 months on Monday! What's even weirder is that almost all babies start with their lower two front teeth first, but this girl has her canines coming out first......was telling Darling that if ALL her canines emerge first, she'll really look like a little vampire... =)

The teething is giving her some problems though... she gets more irritable if she's left alone for too long coz the pain and itchiness and discomfort gets to her.... will check with the Doc on Monday to see how's everything.. for now... we can only give her teethers and hope it helps.

Can't wait for the check-up on Monday, because we'll get to see how much she's grown lately! She should definitely weigh more than 5 kg now... and measuring her yesterday, she's about 64cm already.... but i guess we both just want to know for sure how much she's grown... like my friend said, their weight and height gain is somewhat like our progress cards... to see if we're doing things right!

Plus, we can't start solids till she's at least doubled her birth weight of 3.28kg... and I'm REALLY looking forward to preparing all the fruit and vegetable purees and cereals for her..... so we have to jiayou!!! =p

Gonna bring her to the beach in a while... have a little family outing.. hope she'll be happy and enjoy the sights..... maybe she'll even love the beach as much as her godparents do! haha...

many many photos.. but they'll all be on Baby's blog.. =)

2009-06-15T23:31:00.002+08:00

I'm tired.

Lately I've fallen in love with cooking once more.. not that I ever stopped liking it! But it's just that i was ever so lazy to cook ever since I got pregnant... but my vibes for cooking just came back again, and i've been at it non-stop.. =)

these few days we've been bringing Baby Faith out a lot.. in a way, i guess i'm sick of being cooped up at home.. .yet on the other hand, we also want to bring her out more often to let her get used to being outdoors. I guess going out also helps us to spend some small family time together.... =)

She's becoming super super playful, and always looking for people to play with her... and she no longer fusses as much these days... she's such an angel.... =D sometimes i can't help but wonder what Darling and myself did to deserve a child as beautiful and perfect as she is. Many a time i still can't believe that she's the product of us.... no doubt God created her.. but... i still can't imagine that she's our child... that i carried her for 9 months... and that i gave birth to her....

Life is really a miracle... =)

Anyway.. Darling and myself 'hosted' our last Curia meeting yesterday.

For the first time in 3 years there were sOOOO many people. All because of the election that was to take place after the meeting.
Baby Faith came alone coz my mum wasn't free. She was perfect throughout the meeting. =)

My prediction for all the posts came true... i do wonder if i influenced some of the votes... but oh well.. i guess it's God's will.. =)
it feels weird to know that we're leaving.
it feels weird to know that our Sundays will no longer be tied down by Legion activites....
Even though we did leave Legion back then in 2005..... yet this time, it feels different.
I asked Darling why.
He told me that back then, we left on impulse and out of anger and frustration.
This time... we are leaving because we have given everything that we can possibly give.
We've sustained what was a dying ministry then.... in fact, we almost brought it back to life.
We've tried to change it for the better, to give it a brighter future....
But it seems that things wouldn't go the way we wanted it to.
Plus, we have a new life in existence now, and we can no longer give the same kind of time and committment that we expect from ourselves as officers of a ministry we both love and owe everything we have to....
Maybe it's for the better.
God probably has His own plans.
Plans that we humankind are still yet to be aware of...

All we have to do is to trust that this is all for the better.
To believe in His will....

Darling and myself may no longer be physically there... but emotionally and mentally we are still striving on with them..... that's our promise...
Nigel, Darling and me... we 3 are the last existing souls from the 1998 era.
Can't believe that it's been 11 years already....
And our time is now up...
We've given everything we could possibly give, and now, with our other committments, it ain't gonna be easy for us to hang on.... so all we can do is to let go..

All I can say to my fellow Legionaries reading this is,
Remember that each and every one of us has been chosen by Mary to be her soldiers...
We didn't choose her... she chose us........
And in times of difficulty, never forget to turn back to her to ask her for her guidance and intercessions........
Whatever she asks of you, just give it all... and you will get your due rewards.....

Changes.....

2009-06-09T00:29:00.003+08:00

Next week marks the last time we'll be running the Curia meeting as officers... it's scary how 3 years has gone by....

After July... we'll no longer be directly part of Legion anymore. It's scary... hard to imagine even. I do fear the future coz even all the older ones who are remaining are having their major exams this year.... I wish we didn't have to go... I don't exactly wish to turn my back on them when it's on such uncertain ground... yet, both Darling and myself don't like to be part of something that we can't give our 100% to.... we don't wish to shortchange anyone or anything... and in any case, I believe that God has His plans. After all, it's not like we're walking out on Legion... as I've told the younger ones many times before.... we're just absent physically... emotionally, mentally, spiritually, we are still there, and all they have to do is ask... and we'll gladly lend them a hand, a listening and discerning ear... and advice if they need it.

Right now, the politics are really getting to us... plus.... Faith truly does need all the attention and time she can get from us.... charity begins in the the home... we bought her into this world, we're responsible for her upbringing.....it's only fair that she gets more time from us.... if we stayed, we'd only be shortchanging Legion as well as Faith... and everyone would be miserable....

My darling baby is now 11 weeks and 2 days old. She'll be turning 3 months soon. It really is scary how time flies past you without you noticing it at all...

I look forward to each morning I spend with her, awaiting the brightest smiles and grins from her the moment she opens her eyes.... and when she realizes I'm going to bathe her, she gets all excited and starts kicking her legs in anticipation of the water... All these moments are priceless and I treasure them so because I know that with each day that passes, the time I have with her gets shorter and shorter before I have to go back to work once again...

It's been a long long weekend with Darling away on duty...... I used to fear these times when I'm all alone with her, because I fear that I can't handle her if she gets fussy and cries non-stop.... but now... I just keep in mind what one of my friends said to me, that sometimes, all she wants from us is just to be held and cuddled.....

It's getting slightly easier to look after her with each week that passes.. .and lately, she's been real wonderful to us, always sleeping through the night.... thus allowing us to have a good rest...

Nigel and Sheena dropped by on Saturday to see her.... It was real nice of them, considering that Nigel has already been away for 3 weeks, and would be out of camp only for the weekend.... before he even suggested dropping by, I had wanted to ask if they could come over... then I kinda felt that it was more important for them to spend couple time together, especially since their time together is so precious.

Yet even then, they still bothered to come over.... just to see Baby Faith and to spend some time with her.... it's nice to see them interacting with her, playing with her, and trying to entertain her... I really appreciated their presence... =)

Baby Faith is a very interesting child.... she doesn't mind people around her, but yet, she dislikes everyone else talking in the background, or when there's too much attention focused on her.... what she loves is for people to strike up a conversation with her, one to one... I guess that's the best way to bond with her... =) She's such a talkative child, yet she responds to you only if she wants to... haha... what character she has... =D

She somehow enjoys the television though... yet Darling and me strictly forbid her from watching the tv...at least not until she's much older... considering we both are already myopic, she doesn't have very good 'eye' genes to begin with....so we're gonna protect her eyes as far as possible... plus, the moving images aren't exactly very good for her development either... =)

hmmm...this month is gonna be the last month I receive my paycheck... after which, it'll be 3 more months before my next paycheck arrives. It's gonna be a torture trying to survive only on Darling's salary, especially with the increase in our monthly expenditure with Faith's necessities, as well as the car... I still remember how we both could survive with less than $800 to spend between the both of us when we were trying to save every cent we could for our wedding... with the drop in income for 3 months and after deducting all our fixed expenditure, we have less than $600 to spend each month. It's insane.... when it's just two of us, I guess it's possible... but with Faith... it ain't gonna be easy... but I guess we'll just have to make it work.

What matters to you?

2009-06-03T13:51:00.003+08:00

I just saw this on my friend's blog... i think it's super interesting, and extremely meaningful.....

=============================================================

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit your grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse outto dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

'One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' 'The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

========================================================

Once again, i'm back to being a full-time mum... at least until the last week of June.

It's indescribable. The feelings that run through my veins each time I see Faith smile or even attempt to talk to Darling, myself and my parents.... I do admit that there are times where i get so frustrated coz she cries for no apparent reason at all, and I go crazy. But I don't blame her. After all, she's only a child.

Lately, she always seems so insecure, so afraid that I'm not gonna want her... each time i carry her, she refuses to let me put her down... and when i make her fall asleep whilst i carry her, the minute i put her down, she opens her eyes and cries, and I somehow feel that she's afraid that I'm gonna abandon her.

It pains me to have to see her go through this... but i know it's an inevitable process. I just have to convince her that Darling and me are gonna be there for the rest of her life...

I've seen articles where parents start their child's education as early as 3 months old.. all because they don't want their kids to fall behind.

It's almost disgusting.

Why deprive our kids of their childhood? seriously.... when the child is finally an adult, are they gonna be comparing when they started school? or what funny awards they won as a child? or if they were consistently top of their class in primary school?

who really cares about our childhood achievements when we are adults?

Though it's important that we awaken their senses, and expose them to as many things as we can, yet studying and rote learning is not the only method...

Darling and me have decided that Faith's life is gonna be filled with a multitude of experiences. Once she's old enough to appreciate nature and play with us, we'll have board game sessions every Friday evening, and bring her out to the park/beach for a picnic and some family bonding time every weekend......

We won't push her to consistently get Band 1 or top in class unless that is her actual potential... what matters is that she produces her best, and gives her fullest for each of her test. What also matters is that she's able to accept failure and disappointment when it comes to her doorstep and to learn to pick herself up again, and strive even harder.......

Life's not all about flash cards and results...those are the small things... the sand in our lives..... Life's about spending time with your loved ones, appreciating the things that matter, and enjoying the priceless moments......

2009-05-29T22:50:00.002+08:00

well well. I've completed the first week back at SACPS...

I've been shadowing my CT, following her to all her classes, watching her interact with them.

It's unbelievable that in such a short span of 1 year, there's been so much changes in the staff...

Once again, I'll be taking a primary 4 class...

Somehow I feel that much much much more will be expected of me this time round. After all, I already got the luxury of meeting my students and interacting with them 1 month before I begin my practicum... I also have the luxury of getting all my teaching materials beforehand, and thus, i would technically have more time to prepare my lessons. I really will have to rack my brains for the lessons during this 'one-month' holiday. (In actual fact, it's only about 2 weeks of break for teachers)

Going through all the induction lately... it's been crazy... a real overload of information.. but i guess it's necessary.

It's not been easy to be away from Faith for such a long time... and Darling and me are both so very proud of her for trying so hard to adapt to this new change in her life.

She's usually used to Darling being away from her during the day, because that has been the way things are since 1 week after her birth..... but like I said before, I'm never away from her for too long a time.... even during the 10days that i had to be back at school, I was back by late afternoon.... but now... I leave right after bathing her and I don't reach home till 7pm each day... and it really hasn't been easy for her at all....

Don't get me wrong. She's an absolute angel and darling in the morning and afternoon when my parents take care of her... they can't stop telling Darling and me how obedient and adorable she is during the day....

Yet, once we get home, she cries like crazy and refuses to let us put her down for any period of time until she's convinced we aren't gonna go away. Even then, she keeps watching our every movement, as if to check if we're gonna leave her.

Every morning, when i wake her up to bathe her, she smiles and laughs the moment she opens her eyes...

The feeling that fills my heart every time she does that is indescribable.... =)

She's growing so much lately... her cheeks are so extremely chubby now... and she's getting very very strong too.. it's so easy to carry her now coz she's so ready to support her self, and she's been trying to turn herself..... lately, she also coos and gurgles at us when we talk to her..... she's also starting to grab things.....

It's so nice watching her achieve each milestone..... =) I just wish I was around her more often to witness every single one of them.....

I am so gonna treasure the month I have left with her before i officially go back to work for real....

2009-05-21T17:45:00.002+08:00

Time is flying past me....

Faith turns 2 months old tomorrow. I can't believe it. =)

Lately, she's begun to coo and gurgle, playing with us and rewarding us with super bright smiles whenever she's happy. Times like these are extremely precious to us, and we love interacting with her at every single moment.

We brought her for Mass this morning, since it's Ascension, and then we went for her check-up and Angela came along with us.

Faith is super tall now. She now measures 60cm already... Angela joked that if she grew by 30 more cm, she would need to pay for transport! haha. The doctor mentioned though that she ought to be heavier than the 4.8kg that she weighs right now.

I guess it's coz i'm quite adamant about not feeding her if it's less than 2 hours since her last feed, plus my dad's insistence that she's constantly thirsty with a dry throat, thus the need to feed her water. Sigh, my darling daughter drinks almost 100ml of water a day! And that's a lot for a tiny body like her, especially since each feed of hers is only 150ml!

Was asking the doctor about her water intake, and the doctor advised that she ought to drink at most only 5-10ml of water after each feed... I feel almost terrible.

But it's not too late.. now i know better, I'll make changes... =)

She also took her 6-in-1 vaccine today... in which she was extremely extremely brave by not crying at all. I am so terribly proud of her. =D We then went to visit the healthcare worker who helped us in delivering Faith, and then to see my gynae.....

Everyone who saw her today commented on how pretty she is, how much hair she has, how her eyes are so nice... everyone seems to notice her hair before everything else! ah well, since she's so tall, i shall just pin my hopes on her becoming a model in future, and then supporting Darling and me when we are old... hahahaha... =D

She really has been an angel all day, for after our trip to the hospital, we went to Suntec for a short but nice lunch, and we went shopping for a little while before making our way home...

Faith is suffering from the effects of the jab right now though... she is having a fever, and her temperature is 38.1 deg... We just fed her some Paracetamol, and are hoping that she'll get better soon. I'm so glad she didn't spit all the medicine out, as I believe i would have since I hate medicine so so much...

We just have to see how she fares tonight, and if the fever wears off... if not, I gues I can't go to school tomorrow....

Also, it's her second month tomorrow, and I'm really hoping she'll be okay instead of feeling so unwell........ It's gonna be a long night... but it'll all be worth it if she can get better....

2009-05-18T19:02:00.003+08:00

Darling's away on duty once again........

my grandaunty passed away.. so my parents are going to her wake....

Faith and I will be spending the evening alone together......

these last couple of days, she's been acting up like crazy in the evenings.. refusing to drink her milk, yet always looking hungry...and then screaming her lungs out... she is really a handful when she loses her temper... i always thought my own temper was bad... but i think she got the worst of it. I hope she won't carry on like that when she's older or Darling and me will really have to stand firm whilst she loses her temper!
No one can stand her when she screams and cries.. not even my parents.

it's tough to put her to bed at night because she is so grouchy, but once she falls asleep, she usually doesn't wake up till the next morning, which i something i really appreciate. It may be tiring to put her to bed, but at least we get a relatively good night's sleep.

Yet somehow, she manages to calm down when Darling and me carry her. She still cries, but not as bad....

I feel she's already recognizing who she can bully. She bullies Darling, because afer all, he's the one who soothes her... and she bullies my dad lately each time he feeds her... my mum hasn't got much of it yet, coz she's always busy.... i guess Faith somehow is being nice to me because she was a monster to me in her early days at home. =)

we try to bring her out more often lately, but she still doesn't like it when the surroundings are too noisy, or when there's far too many people around.

darling and myself love mornings alone with her... because she's always at her best then... feeding her, bathing her... then talking to her. we truly love watching all her funny facial expressions. =) it's times like this where she truly is a joy and an angel....

time to make milk and to sponge her......

2009-05-12T22:02:00.003+08:00

It's been a long weekend.

There's been so much to do, so much to get used to, so much on my mind.

My mornings with Faith are the busiest when I'm at home.... bathe her, feed her, mop the floor, hang her laundry.....wash her bottles... all these have to be done as quickly as possible. And only after that, if she's sleepy and naps for the rest of the day, do I have time to indulge myself in doing the things that I have to/want to do.

I learnt on Friday to cope with all these housework on my own. All because my mum was busy with the Mother's Day Flowers. I'd never imagined I could cope without help.. but I did... and I was proud of her for being a good girl, and of myself, for managing on my own....

That same evening, we went out with Darling's family for Mother's Day Dinner.... it was a traumatic one for Faith because we went all the way to Vivocity and in the late evening too. She'd never been out so late before, and was shocked at the noise and the amount of people...

That night.. we didn't sleep till 3am because she was so scared.... each time she'd close her eyes for a min or two, then open them in fear again, searching for Darling or myself to assure herself that she's with us......

We spent the rest of Saturday trying to make her feel better.

Sunday was Mother's Day and also her baptism.
We'd expected the worst, and feared that she'd act up when immersed into the water. We were also scared that she'd catch a chill from the aircon.

But she was far braver than we'd expected her to be.
She never cried.... she didn't even make a sound... she was just happy to be in water.... =)
We'd known that she loves the water, because bathtime is her favourite time... but we didn't expect her to take to the baptism font so easily.....
She's probably really a water baby. =)
(Nigel, teach her swimming k? =p )

there are many photos of her, but as always, check her blog, the links can be found on the left side of this blog....
there are also videos of her...but i've not had the time to put them together properly into one nice video... i'll do it this weekend when i'm home with her.....

Yesterday was my last 24-hr day with her...
i really wish it didn't have to come so soon.
I truly enjoy staying home with her... watching her, taking care of her.
no doubt there are times when i resent it all....
but as i've always mentioned... just seeing her smile, hearing her laugh... that's all that matters.

she seemed to know something was gonna change.
she refused to sleep last night.
neither me nor darling could do anything about it.
we took extremely long to put her to bed.

waking up for her night feed, which isn't something that usually happens any longer, she puked in the middle of her feed. that was at almost 4am....
cleaning her up, calming her down, washing her bottles and sterilizing them, it was almost 4.30.
i had to leave by 7.
i no longer felt like sleeping, but i knew i had to...

she started crying again... and it took us quite long to soothe her again.
we were worried.
already our hearts were aching at having to leave her alone without either one of us around.
seeing her like that made it hurt even more.
we feared she wouldn't be able to get used to it.
we almost didn't want to go to work this morning.

but my mum believed she'd be fine.
and she was right...

Faith surpassed our expectations once again....
she was a perfect baby all day...

but upon our return, she seemed to act up once more.
i dunno if it's coz she misses us,
or because she knows we'll love and cuddle her and give in to her needs...

she didn't seem to drink as much milk as before.
i don't know if it's normal.
i don't know if she's unwell,
but I hope she's fine....

going back to work was a big big jump for me.
i'm exhausted.
and we didn't even do anything other than sit in the lecture room...
it truly was a waste of time.

and i missed her the entire time i was in school

i couldn't wait to be back home with her.

People worry about their kids suffering from separation anxiety.
I think darling and me are the ones suffering from it.

The road ahead is gonna be tough.
For Faith,
and for the two of us.

I fear my practicum, and how I'll surpass the benchmarks i'd set for myself during my first practicum last year..... especially since i have less time to think of wonderful lesson plans, source for resources this time round.
I no longer can be a workaholic and plant myself in front of the computer, worrying about work, because Faith is my greatest priority right now.

But I still have the faith that God has His reasons for giving this little angel to us.

I believe we'll make it through,
I know we'll make it through.

2009-05-08T11:28:00.004+08:00

I received my first Mother's Day gift yesterday.
My mother made a bouquet of bluish-green roses with yellow ribbons for me, then she carried Faith and presented it to me...
I didn't know what to say.
The gesture was so sweet that I was speechless.
The fact that she bothered took my breath away.
The knowledge that she took the time to hunt high and low for roses to suit my favourite colours
warmed my heart.

It's something very very simple.
Especially to my mum and me... because we always wrap flowers for other people on special occasions...
We never want to receive flowers from others because we know the cost that goes into making it, and always feel that it's overpriced, especially since we can make them ourselves....

Yet, she made a bouquet for me.... just to make me feel loved...
Something so simple... yet it touched my heart so completely.
Somehow, I don't want these flowers to wither...
Simply because it means so so much....... =)

3 generations... =)

I can't believe it's already Friday.
Time at home seems to pass in a blur now that Faith is around... I never seem to connect days and dates anymore... maybe coz my days run in 24-hour schedules... and no longer just mornings or nights...

I still remember the first 2 weeks that Faith was home.. we were waking up to feed her so often, that I didn't even see the point of brushing my teeth before I 'went to bed' or after I 'got up' from bed because we were up so often every single night!!! Plus, I was hungry each time after I fed her... so I had to eat... and that made the brushing of teeth even more senseless!

Now.. we have more normal days and nights... but the days go by even faster... I guess it's coz my 24-hr days with her are soon coming to an end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Parenthood is indeed life-changing.

When i was still pregnant,

I feared this whole journey before it began.
I dreaded all the changes that would come into the all-too-perfect lives of Darling and me.
I feared the challenges that come with being a mother.
I wondered if we'd be good parents.
I was afraid of everything that would be coming our way...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Faith was first born,

I wondered why I didn't feel that overwhelming love that's supposed to envelope my heart...
My maternal instincts were there, needing to protect her, but weirdly, it felt like mere actions with no emotions attached to it.....
I wondered why Darling was doing a better job at soothing her, and I couldn't seem to be able to make her feel better......
I dreaded each night and each morning that I was alone with her for fear that I'd fail....
I dreaded each cry that came from her because it seemed I was doing the wrong thing....
I worried about her well-being...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that we're into the 7th week of her life,

I fear the road that lies ahead because of the changes that are coming our way now that I'm going back to work.
I worry that her needs will not be met because I'm not with her..(not that I don't trust my mum) I'm scared that she'll not be used to my being away from her....(or rather, the other way round!)

I still fear the challenges that come with being a mother. I still am wondering if I'm doing the right thing and whether we'll be good parents. I still worry about her well being....Darling still does a better job of soothing her....

BUT

I'm beginning to love every moment I spend with her.
I look into her eyes as I talk to her, and I know that no matter what happens, we'll love her unconditionally, and that our love and faith in God alone will be what brings our little family through everything...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Motherhood doesn't come easy...
Unconditional love for our offspring doesn't descend on us the minute they are born...
It comes with time, sacrifice, tears, and many many other things....

But the minute you feel the undescribable love for your child, it never leaves your heart....

Instead, it tightens its hold on you each time you look at your child, hear her cry, see her smile, hear her laughter, smell her hair, hold her close and feel her tiny hands cling onto you....because she knows you'll hold on to her and keep her safe no matter what happens....

That's love....
True love....

back to work

2009-05-07T17:31:00.002+08:00

After what feels like forever, i've finally gotten my final posting for my teaching career.

I will be going back to SAC for good... or at least, until I decide/am able to resign from this career.

I am happy because it's where I've been dreaming to teach ever since I got into this track... yet, of course, gloominess hangs over my head, because I do dread going back to work after not doing anything other than housework and enjoying mummyhood for the last 3-4 months....

I do miss the adrenaline rush of working...the rush that comes with the beginning of each lesson as I start to teach.... the interaction with the students... the marking of their books to find out how I've fared in my lesson...

But, the fulfillment that comes from teaching can't beat the lifelong yearning I have had to be a housewife... to spend my days doing household chores to keep the house clean and everything runnin smoothly, to cook meals for my family...

I guess most, if not all of you that actually read this blog wouldn't understand why I love doing housework so much. After all, it makes your hands rough, and it's so much work... but I just love doing it.... i think the only chores that I don't particularly like doing are mopping/sweeping the floor and changing the bedsheets... yet everything else that comes with being a housewife are things i truly enjoy doing... =)

Housework is therapeutic.
I'm serious!
i take pleasure in washing the toilet, hanging the laundry, ironing/folding the clothes, buying groceries, cooking and washing up...

You probably think I'm crazy by now! haha.. but that's just me.

I kinda wish I didn't have to go back to work.. but I know that's not possible. Just another 5 years... then we'll see how from there... if we are financially sound, I guess I can fulfill my dream.. if not, I guess it'll just have to be postponed a little while more...

ah well, took Baby Faith to Darling's parents' place yesterday. It was a 3 hour visit... but enough to make Faith long for home. I guess she just isn't used to going out for long hours yet... and she's very very used to my parents and the both of us... so when Darling's mum and grandma carried her yesterday, she looked so scared and afraid to move because she didn't seem to know who was carrying her. As a result, she cried non-stop when it was in the evening.......

There's always so much to do when we come home from long trips... washing and sterilizing all her stuff once more, cleaning her up.. soothing her.. hoping she'll sleep through the night so that she gets enough rest. Sigh... as a result, we both were saying last night that we'd rather not bring her out....

I already dread tomorrow and Sunday.. because on both days she'll be going out for so long... I only hope we don't have a tough time when we come home...

Housework Galore!

2009-05-05T20:55:00.002+08:00

Today has been a fulfilling day!

I have resumed all my housework duties with no nagging from my mum at all! hahaha... Baby Faith has been extremely cooperative in entertaining herself... staring at space, smiling and laughing to herself.. sometimes, i can't help but wonder what goes on in their tiny minds... =)

I mopped the house, washed and hung the clothes out to dry... did ironing, and folded all the laundry......

It's been 10 whole months since i last ironed clothes! All thanks to Darling's nonsense reading up on those mummy forums about how the foetus' face would be flat if the mummy ironed while pregnant! *rolls eyes*. As a result, i couldn't iron clothes the whole time I was pregnant!

Did i ever mention that I find ironing therapeutic? haha.. i think i'm weird.... I always love doing housework... that, i think, is my favourite part of being a housewife!!! hahahaha...

Let's hope Baby Faith catches on to my housework loving genes.. then we can do it together once she's older... =D

She's started to suck her thumb a little.... and i guess it's coz we don't give her a pacifier.. i think it's okay as long as it doesn't become habitual...

Faith has finally started to settle in, and i guess that makes doing stuff around the house more easy than it was before. I'm not saying she's easy to look after already.. just that, being 6 weeks old right now, she no longer requires as much attention as she used to..

We're starting to spend more time talking and playing with her, and she really enjoys it... she smiles so much more easily these days, and we have so much fun with her.. =D

Went out with Darling to get thermometers yesterday, but as we already know, the pharmacies all ran out of thermometers. Darling was smart enough to suggest that we head to Kiddy Palace to buy as they sell it, and no one would think of going there to buy.. and he was right!

Her baptism will be on this Sunday... which is also my parents' 42nd wedding anniversary... and of course, it's also Mother's Day....

It's my first time celebrating mother's day... feels almost weird.. haha...

Usually i'll be helping my mum out with the packing of flowers for sale on Mother's day... this year, i'll have to stay home and watch Baby Faith... don't wanna expose her to all the pollen. Especially with the swine flu...

And since there's Curia this Sunday.. it's either we bring her along with us, or I stay home with her.... we'll see what happens...

Ah well.. enough talking for today... check our Baby Faith's blog for more pictures!!! =D

2009-05-04T11:12:00.004+08:00

one more week till i head back to school for nonsense programmes.

so much for Compulsory Enrichment Programmes. the programmes planned don't even look enriching in any sense! =(

i really don't feel like being away from Faith at all. I may not want to deal with her cries all day long and all, but I definitely do not want to be away from her so soon and for such long hours! the programmes last each day from 8-5... if i add in my travelling time, it'd be from 6.45 - 6++!!! And the programmes aren't even gonna make a difference in my teaching. sheesh.

it really is a waste of time.

all my teaching peers who've come to visit Baby have been complaining about their practicum. ALL of them. and that makes me worried. I asked them why, and they said it's not about writing lesson plans, but coming up with ideas to impress their CTs and Supervisors for all the lesson observations.... it's worrying.

I'll be starting on mine in July.. and with a baby to handle each night, i'm not sure how i'd handle it and how i'd fare. there'd be so much to do and think about. What also worries me is that I know I'd be teaching a P4 class... and last year I was teaching P4 at around the same time... which means that the topics covered would be about the same. As I'd be observed to see how I've improved since last year, it means i'd have to come up with even better ideas and ways of teaching the topic as compared to what i did last year!!

Coming up with ideas and ways to teach is one thing. Trying to surpass what I have previously come up with is a totally different thing!

I really hope I can manage.

But I won't think about that for now.. i'll just worry about handling the 2 weeks of nonsense programmes.

Swine Flu. Sigh... I do want to bring Faith out for fresh air, take walks in the park... spend time with her.. but with the virus, it's really not very safe to take her out....

we are in a way quite blessed though... coz we'd wanted to do her first month party on the weekend that just passed, but we did it the week before because Darling's gonna be busy at work this week...... with what happened at Aloha... i'm really thankful we did it last week!!!

then of course, with the Swine Flu... i know Faith will have a less traumatic baptism coz she probably won't get immersed in water with the fear of spreading of the virus... they'll probably do it the traditional way of pouring water over her head.... so... it's not as scary.. =)

the last few days have passed by in a blur... Faith seems to have her sleeping hours all messed up... i think her night starts anytime after 12 midnight or later and lasts till 10+ in the morning... sigh.. .so it's quite tiring trying to get her to sleep at night.

But, we're surviving.

Did i mention that Faith has my temper?? It's madness.... she has it... and she's so irritable when she's angry... just like me. Oh no....you all know my temper... so just imagine it in a smaller body!! hee...

when we're both in a happy mood or either one of us is calm, it's not so bad.. but when she gets angry for no rhyme or reason, that riles me up too.. and then... it's a clash of characters!!

as one of my friends told me, it gets easier as each day goes by....i don't feel that... not at least until 1 week has passed, then i look back on the previous week, and realise that it is easier... all of us at home are more familiar with her tantrums and needs now... though there are still times that we are puzzled as to why she's crying, or if she's really hungry... but... they are far lesser as compared to when she first came home...

ah well... i need to chill a bit.. nap a bit... darling and me have resorted to using medicated plasters on our back coz we are so tired from carrying her! but it's worth it...

2009-04-30T10:05:00.003+08:00

it's been quite a while since i last posted... the entire week since my last post has been total madness....haven't been so busy in quite a while....

All the prep for Baby Faith's 1st month - the food, the minimal decor, completing the video, arranging her photos in order.... these are things i usually wouldn't have found difficult to do.... but with a baby in tow, it sure makes everything different....

She went to church for the first time on Saturday evening. Darling and me thought it would be a better idea to 'traumatize' her on two separate days, rather than to cram it all on Sunday..... tried going to the 'children's' room to sit.. but it was insane. I don't understand the parents these days. The room is meant for toddlers and infants, but the place was filled with many other kinds of people!!! all the adults and siblings of the toddlers/infants, and they were all making so much noise!! Eating, laughing, talking, screaming. It wasn't even like a mass-going atmosphere. I saw kids of almost 10 years old eating chocolates and handing them around to her friends! Sheesh.. I really don't know what to say.

Faith was extremely traumatized by the loud noises in the room. Darling and me then decided to attend mass with the normal congregation instead, since people there are quieter. Even then, Faith was scared... the throngs of people she saw... the loud noises and being surrounded by people singing.... the voice of the choir and the priest coming through the speakers.... she was scared... but she didn't make any noise.. it was only after we left the church that she started wailing.

Darling and me had wanted to go for dinner...had called Angela along... we chose to go the airport, assuming there wouldn't be as many people there as compared to TM. once again, we were wrong. Children screaming everywhere.... and all the places were chock full of people. We ended up resorting to eating BK.... sigh... but the poor girl was kicking up such a fuss, I decided it was best to take away the food.

She hadn't slept all day.... and not until 2am did she even lull herself to sleep. The poor girl was tired and hungry... so she was too hungry to sleep, but too tired to drink her milk... =(

Sunday wasn't any better.... there were so many people that came... talking to her, seeing her, touching her... she was scared once more... plus the environment was all different..... she cried from 10++ all the way till 2am once more... it was a nightmare.. both for her and for us...

Having to entertain guests whilst watching over her caused us to not be able to take any pictures of the whole event at all..... =(

We spent much of Monday trying to get her to feel better.... and the last few days were also for us to recuperate ourselves....

One good thing has happened... hehe.. she gave us her first gurgle.... It was so nice to hear... and she has now begun to make her own noises in her attempt to communicate as well.. =)

hmm....... for our clique of friends with whom we always meet up prior to Faith's arrival? Thanks so much for watching over her whilst we tried to entertain the guests. We owe you a treat..... =) Whilst we are trying to get used to the changes in our life now that Faith is in it, I guess it is also time for all of you to adapt to the idea that things will no longer be the same. I believe the idea is shocking... that your friends now have a kid. =) haha. But we are no longer as free as before, so our movie, dinner and coffee dates would likely be impossible... That is something all of you have to understand and try to adapt yourselves to.

Our lives now revolve around her.... and she is our main priority. Bringing a child along when we go out is not an option we want to deal with, especially when she is so young. (and with the swine flu swarming around!)

Others may be content to leave their kid with others whilst they go out to continue their lives as before.... but that's not us. It's not that we don't trust anyone else... it's just that she's such a big part of our lives that we don't wish to leave her out of anything... and right now, she has needs that need to be fulfilled... warmth, security, food and sleep... all of which is best to be fulfilled at home... so... I guess it's nowhere in the near future that we'd be running out to meet you up for dinner or coffee.... much later maybe... but definitely not now... and that's something that we both hope that everyone else can understand. After all, we both are family-oriented people, and our family unit is extremely important to us. Her upbringing is something we view as 1st priority, and something we will not compromise... =)

Anyway, enough talk for now... here's more photos, taken prior to the weekend!

Faith is 1 month old!!

2009-04-24T13:44:00.004+08:00

This post is delayed by 2 days.... been extremely busy.....

Faith is now one month old!

We took her for her check up yesterday, and she now weighs 4.2kg, and her height is 54cm...

Of course, with her turning one month, also means that I have completed my confinement!!! It can't be described in words how good it felt to wash my hair properly after one month.... and to eat human food... and drink as much water as I want.... Boy oh boy.... i was in pure bliss that day itself.... and after her check-up yesterday, Darling, Faith, my mum and I went out for lunch... that was even better!!

hehe.... i definitely do not want to repeat this period anytime soon.

the last few nights have been insane..... Faith gets real cranky in the evenings..... and it's hard to put her to sleep... Darling and myself both get real frustrated.... I just hope she gets past this whole crankiness soon...

Just got my timetable for 12 - 22 May... when I've to go back to NIE for silly enrichment programs... they last all day long from 8-5... and it's doing dumb things and going to dumb places - SAF camp, science centre, ITE.... why oh why must they put us through this?

Much as i resent doing what i'm doing now at home sometimes, because i no longer am as free as before, yet i'm not ready to leave her alone...

Sigh.. what a dilemma....

Anyway, if you look on the side of my blog, where all my links to my wedding albums are, you'll notice a new link to a blog I've done for Faith... it'll be updated as and when there are interesting things to be written about.... so if you are curious about her life, you can check it out once in a while. =)

more pics of our little baby....

2009-04-19T22:20:00.003+08:00

3 more days to go!!!!

Can you believe Baby Faith is already almost turning 1 month old?
Feels like it's only yesterday that I was heading to the hospital for my nightmare of labour!
haha.

i simply CANNOT wait to eat normal human food again, finally wash my hair with water (YES, I HAVEN'T washed my hair in a month!!!!!), shower with tap water, and sleep without socks!!!

It's nightmarish, confinement... it sure is. Enough to put me off another child for quite a while. Yes yes, I know it's for my own good.... but seriously, how can we attribute ALL our old age ailments to poor confinement? I mean... truly, if our Chinese style of confinement is THAT good, ALL the women around the world would be following it!
If it were for baby, i wouldn't mind keeping to it, just as i've done with pregnancy... but it's all for me... and that makes me even more reluctant to follow all the rules to a t....

With my mum's eagle eye watching ALL the time though, it's ALMOST impossible for me to bend any rules.
But she's been real nice though... now that we're nearing the end, she's been more flexible with me...

I always thought i'd have lots of conflicts with my mum during this whole period.....
But I was proven wrong.
She's been an ABSOLUTE gem to have... no doubt, i do get annoyed with her every now and then... especially since i'm extra irritable due to hormones and lack of sleep.... but... on the whole, our relationship has really improved in this past month.
She has really helped Darling and me a lot with Faith, and she's been doing a lot for me....
She'll never get to read this.... but I really do appreciate her a lot more than i ever did.

My friend who gave birth last November told me that I would appreciate my mum more after going through labour.

I disagree.
Labour is but physical pain.
Going through motherhood, the emotional, physical and mental turmoil a mother puts herself through - the sleepless nights; the unconditional love; the need to do everything humanely possible to give the best to the child....
It's indescribable.
And you'd only understand when you become a parent.

There've been times when I've broken down in tears coz I didn't know what to do when Faith was crying.
There've been times when I've felt totally inadequate as a mother coz I didn't know how to soothe her.
There've been times when I feel absolutely guilty coz I get so irritable when she cries sometimes.
There've been times when I'm so frustrated coz she keeps crying/waking up from her sleep, and as a result, I lose my own personal time.
There've been times where all I want is just quiet time.
There've been times where I dread all the chores that come with a baby - nappy washing, feeding, bottle washing...etc
There've been times where Darling and myself are irritable with one another because we are so tired.
There've been times when I miss the old quiet days that Darling and I get.
There've been times where I miss being just a party of 2.
There've been times where I look in the mirror and miss how I used to look.

BUT

All these times can't make up for the feelings that overwhelm my heart each time she smiles.....

That alone is enough to make everything all worth it.

Yet.... going through pregnancy, labour, and the infancy stage of a child; the physical changes I've had to endure, the lifestyle changes we've had to make,

I, Perpetua Ng have actually decided that I wouldn't want to go through more than 2 kids....
If you know me well enough, you'd be shocked at the above sentence.
I LOVE KIDS.
When people asked me how many kids I wanted, I used to say, "Even numbers" instead of just stating a number.
Now, I know I'll say 2.....
(Unless God has other plans, and change my mind halfway / give the both of us an accident!)

It's too mentally tiring.....emotionally challenging.....life-changing.

But I have a friend who just had her second child, and she tells me it's so much easier.
Maybe it really is?
I wouldn't know for now..... =)

Now, I'm contented to just enjoy our family of 3..... learn more about Faith.... teach her as much as I can... love her in the best way possible....

And well, when the time comes for Baby 2.... it will come... just as God planned. =)

For now.... here are more pictures of our little princess!!!
If you're wondering, we take photos almost everyday, coz she changes each day!

PS: I've done a 1st month video for Baby Faith, but will post it up after her party!!

see how our intelligent little one holds her own bottle!!!

A day in the life of Baby Faith and Mummy Moo

2009-04-09T16:03:00.005+08:00

A Day in the Life of Baby Faith and Mummy Moo

We have almost reached 3 weeks of Baby Faith's life... no doubt the chores are getting easier to deal with... but our bodies are still trying to get used to the timing... after all, Baby Faith needs to feed every 2-3 hours... and in between, there's all the other things to be done... we're also trying to figure out what makes her tick, for there are times that she is simply grouchy and wants to be carried... I guess parenting is truly learning every single day of your life!!!

I have to say that it does get frustrating once in a while, especially when we can't figure out what is wrong with her... after all, I'm taking care of her by myself pretty much most of the day! Until my mum is done with her chores in church, and Darling comes home... otherwise, Faith is more or less reliant on me to take care of her every need...

Confinement really does suck... and i'm more than thankful that my mum, though old-fashioned, yet is understanding to my needs and the way i am... the food is bad enough, since there's only so many things i can eat!!! But it's worse, coz even the things I can drink are limited! And bathing too.... sigh... this whole month with Faith would be so much easier if i didn't have so many rules to follow... But it's all passing.... just another 10+ more days to go, and my own life would be back to normal.. if not more sane than it is right now!!

In between though, Darling has got 2 duties.... i just hope i manage to cope with Faith for those days that he's not around!!!

Anyway, i was thinking, since most, if not all of you who read my blog are nowhere near being parents yet... here's an insight into a day of my life with Baby Faith.... hehe...

0900hrs - Mummy gets up to eat breakfast... Baby Faith is starting to fidget in bed and will
wake up very soon...

0915 hrs - Granny gets Baby's bath water ready, Mummy gets Baby's clothes ready, and warms
the milk up...
It's Bathtime for Baby Faith!

0930hrs - Baby Faith is nice and clean now.... it's now time for milk...

1000hrs - Baby Faith is burped, and has fallen asleep.
Mummy rushes to put Baby's clothes in the washing machine, and to wash Baby's
bottles and sterilize them.

1015hrs - Mummy finds Baby's nails very long, and decides to trim them...

1030hrs - Mummy expresses milk for Baby Faith.

1045hrs - Baby Faith awakens coz her nappy is wet...
Mummy changes her then rinses out her nappy...

1100hrs - Baby mealtime is brought forward coz she pooped just now.... so Mummy has to make
milk whilst soothing her.....

1110hrs - Baby is fed.

1125hrs - Baby poops and pees again... so diaper has to be changed....

1130hrs - Mummy puts Baby to rest, and washes and sterilizes the bottles yet again.

1145hrs - Baby hates to be left alone, so Mummy has to soothe her once more...

1200hrs - Finally Mummy has time to hang out the clothes to dry.

1210hrs - Mummy takes a powernap with Baby.

1230hrs - Mummy wakes up, turns on her laptop....

1245 hrs - Baby awakens... she's hungry again...

1300hrs - Mummy warms the milk up.

1310hrs - Baby is fed.

1330hrs - Time for another nappy change!

1340hrs - Baby lies down, but is grouchy...

1350hrs - Granny comes home and helps to lay out Mummy's food.

1410hrs - Granny takes over and makes Baby sleep while Mummy has lunch.

1440hrs - Mummy expresses milk for Baby again.

1515hrs - Nappy change!

1550hrs - Baby is hungry again, so Mummy warms the milk up.

1600hrs - Baby is fed.

1610hrs - Baby goes back to sleep, Mummy washes and sterilizes bottles.

1630hrs - Mummy gets some time to check her mail and do her things....

1700hrs - Granny asks Mummy to take her bath.

1715hrs - Mummy expresses milk for Baby again.

1730hrs - Mummy has her dinner.

1800hrs - Time for another nappy change.
Daddy comes home!

1830hrs - Mummy warms the milk.

1840 hrs - Baby is fed...

1900hrs - Bottles are washed and sterilized again.

1930hrs - Mummy takes in the laundry and prepares to fold them.

2000 hrs - Yet another nappy change.
Daddy and Mummy decides to sponge Baby.
Daddy soothes Baby whilst Mummy gets the clothes readt.

2015hrs - Baby is sponged.

2045hrs - Time for another feed. Milk is warmed.

2100hrs - Baby gets her milk.

2115hrs - Baby gets some play time with Daddy/Grandpa/Grandma

2200hrs - Yet another nappy changing time!

2215hrs - Mummy expresses milk for Baby.

2245hrs - Mummy and Daddy prepare to put Baby to sleep.

2300hrs - It's time for bed...

haha... does it sound exhausting? =)
It's worse when you are going through it for real.. =)
But I guess that's part and parcel of having a child.... seeing her smile makes it all feel better...

The many faces of my little darling.....

1 week old

2009-03-31T23:35:00.003+08:00

Baby Faith is now a 12 day old baby.....

She never ceases to amaze us with her antics.

Yes, it definitely is tiring looking after her, with all the night feeds and diaper changes, making sure her every need is met......yet, every time she smiles at us, or even looks into our eyes as we talk to her, it makes everything worthwhile.....

Many a time in the span of this week, i've doubted my ability to take care of her.....i definitely am able to take care of her needs, but i don't think i'll ever be a playmate to her......darling is the one that's constantly playing with her, talking to her....so much so that by the end of the first week, she was reacting to his voice each time he spoke.....on the other hand, i'm the feeding and cleaning machine for her....=) as always, we work well together, and it's when we are together that we do things best....not that we can't look after her alone...just that we're more effective together..... =D

Baby Faith is changing day by day.... and every single time she looks into our eyes and smiles, even if it's only for that second, it just makes everything else fade away into the background and seem so insignificant.

I'd always questioned how our little family unit would be like post-birth..... whether we were ready for it, how our lives would change and all... and I was so worried.... but it seems our priorities have all been changed now that Baby Faith is in our lives. She is the centre of our lives... can't imagine a day without her right now.... =)

Of course, we do miss having a good night's sleep... one that is uninterrupted!! And we do miss unfrazzled evenings, watching the tv and all, doing our own things, having alone time once in a while.... But it's okay..... it's part of the package now that we have a child.... and I can't see us doing anything without Faith around... Our lives have changed, and so have our love for one another. It has reached a whole new level, a different stage in our relationship... I guess Darling watching me go through so much pain and me seeing how much Darling sacrificed for Faith and me has made us see each other in a whole new light.... and that has caused our relationship to further mature.... =)

Faith has learnt to lift up her head when she's on her tummy, albeit for a little while, and well, she's learning to enjoy her bath time! Here are more pictures for you to enjoy!!!

2009-03-26T21:47:00.004+08:00

Being pregnant was tiring.....

Going into labour is an insane process. (I'm serious.... I told Darling I never wanna do this again!)

Parenthood is a 24-hour job...... especially when it's looking after an infant........but Darling and me are loving every minute of it. There are times when we do wish we could get a little more sleep... Seriously, I think we've had less than 10 hours of sleep since Sunday!

Sometimes I feel so super tired that I just wanna sleep some more...... sometimes... we just don't wish to get up..... there are times when we are terribly exhausted and almost frustrated.... and many times in the last few days where we felt lost, afraid and discouraged.......

Yet... despite all of these, we are loving every minute of it. Her every smile, every action, every single thing she does makes it all worth it. And just looking at her..... fills our heart with so much love and warmth, that we don't want to do anything else but to watch over her....

She's barely 4 days old.... yet, we've already noticed so many unique things about her.... her different cries, the kind of face she makes after she poops, whether that action means she's gonna wake up or it's just a distraction in her sleep....... all these can only be possible because we are spending so much time with her.

Darling is excellent with her... It's true. I've always felt extremely lucky to be married to such a loving husband........ but.... just watching him handle her is making my blissfulness jump sky high.... not once has he flinched at cleaning poop or even taking care of me in the first 2 days after delivery when i couldn't even do something as simple as washing up after i use the toilet. Baby Faith simply adores him, and loves his voice.

Parenting is new to us, but even more so for Darling, because, after all, I've always pretended my soft toys were little babies when I was a child, and I've always played with children. To Darling, this is totally foreign ground... yet, he's eagerly learning and finding out more about her every min of the day..........

I wish this week would never end.
The future really is uncertain with so many changes that lie ahead........
It scares the two of us.....
But we know that God has his plans,
and we know that the guiding factor in all our plans and decisions would be Baby Faith's well-being.
Darling will be going back to work on Monday....
I sure hope I'll be able to cope when I'm on my own.......

Here's leaving you with more pictures of Baby Faith!

We saw her first smile today...... and she's learnt to turn to her side all by herself!!!!

Baby Faith Regina Ho Kai En

2009-03-25T22:06:00.003+08:00

Welcoming Baby Faith Regina Ho Kai En!!

After a long 19 hours of labour, Baby Faith has decided to arrive into this world at 1923 hours on the 22nd day of March 2009.

She weighed in at 3.28kg and is a length of 50cm.

We all came home on the 24th of March, and right now, we are learning more about her every minute, and loving her even more every single second!

Baby Faith would like to thank one and all for their prayers for her.....=)

the DAY

2009-03-21T15:50:00.002+08:00

I'm now 40 weeks and 1 day.

Baby has 8 hours to decide to arrive on his/her own or be forced out by the Doctor.

I have no appetite.... am terribly sleepy (due to insomnia for the last 3 nights)....
and i'm itching like mad.

The itch has spread everywhere, and i can't stop scratching.... i wake up because of the itch...
And i can't fall back to sleep because of the itch....
No one can understand how bad it's getting.....
I can't stop scratching, yet I force myself not to scratch for as long as possible because my skin is sore........

I'm still a little hung in disbelief and shock that all this is gonna be over in less than 12 hours.

Is it really?
Or is it just the opening of a new door to a future that I've always dreamed about but never expected would fall into my hands so soon?

I feel like I'm watching the people around me move in excitement of the arrival of the baby....
and I'm the only one lost in the emotions I'm going through right now.
ALL my friends can't help but tell me how excited they are....
People are msging and calling to check on whether Baby's arrived....
I have no idea what to feel.
I detest feeling like that coz I know I'm only making it harder for Darling.
I believe he's excited about Baby too, yet fearful that we have to force Baby out, and at the same time scared of fatherhood that lies ahead of him......but.. he can't show any emotion because he knows he has to be strong for me. All because he knows I'm going through a difficult time myself emotionally, mentally and physically, and he wants to be my pillar of support in every way.

We are supposed to be resting all day today, coz it's gonna be a long night....
But he chose to let me sleep whilst he did other things just now...
I asked him why he isn't resting....
He said he couldn't bear to sleep because of how much discomfort I was in.....

I felt terrible. I really did.
I hate feeling this way.
I hate being uncertain of my own emotions....
I hate being weak emotionally, coz I'm always in control.
I don't know why I'm giving in to so much fear this time round.
I've tried to pray and let go..... to let things take its natural course.
But I can't.

The last few days have been a massive array of last minute preparations for Baby....
All the things that have not been done were rushed out...
Darling is trying to let me eat all my favourite food......
Because of the one month confinement that lies ahead of me.
Yet... i don't gain enjoyment from the food.
I just want time alone with Darling.

Sigh.

Listening to me, you'd either think I'm crazy or getting depressed.
It sounds like I'm going to die.
Ha.

Half, if not all the people who even bother reading my blog have never seen this side of me before.
I guess I rarely appear this vulnerable.
Not to outsiders.
The only one who's ever known how vulnerable I can be is Darling.
But I've caved in this time.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm not this way all 24 hours of every day....
But these emotions do clog up my mental and emotional state...
and my current physical state ain't helping much.

I am looking forward to carrying Baby in my arms.
I really am.
But I guess the negative emotions of everything else is just causing the joy of that to seem so small.

Most of you probably would not understand why I'm attaching so much fear to Baby being forced out/induced.....
It's not a bad thing. It definitely isn't.
But it does make the whole process longer and more painful.
And seriously, i don't want Baby to have to be forced... not in the first journey he/she makes into this world.
I was hoping everything could be as natural as possible.
Unless I gave in to the pain, or under certain reasons, Baby had to be taken out medically.

Ah... I'm a mess.
I really am.
I hope going for Mass and Novena later will help me feel better and more assured.....

I also hope that the next time I post, I'll be more upbeat,
And I'll post Baby's pics too.....
We'll finally all know if Baby is a boy or a girl... =)

Keep Baby in your prayers if you do read this before twelve midnight today....
That there'll be no complications, and he/she will be safe.....=)

Till then....

Mummyhood for real?

2009-03-18T15:47:00.002+08:00

Back from yet another appointment.

Weirdly enough, I have lost some weight, from 74.55kg to 73.85.... my appetite is really dropping. Can't seem to find joy in food anymore. And each time i eat, i feel like puking. =(
Could it also be due to 'strenuous' activity at camp? *shrugs*

Baby's weight seems to have peaked at 3.1kg, not increasing since the last 2 visits.
But he/she was extremely active today.... moving like crazy during the monitoring of heartbeat.
I was hoping to be able to lie on my side whilst doing the heartbeat monitoring, but Baby seems to hate me in that position, choosing to run away and not let his/her heartbeat be monitored... =(

The last 3 days have been quite bad, coz I get a terrible crampy feeling in my lower abdominal area... and it's so bad that I tear from the pain.... coz it intensifies, then decreases in intensity, but never going away... and these aren't even contractions.
I can't help but wonder what the real thing will be like.
The itch on my tummy and legs are driving me nuts. I'm trying so hard not to scratch, yet the itch is so so terrible. I'm using so much powder to try to soothe the itch... but to no avail. I think my scars are gonna be terrible... =(
If you've had chicken pox before, this is ten times worse...... i never once scratched during my chicken pox days..... but this, i really cannot tolerate.....

Doctor is concerned that Baby might either get too big for me to push, or that he/she might poop into the amniotic fluid..... and so, we've decided that if Baby still doesn't choose to exit my womb by 0030hrs on 22/03, Darling and me would then head to the hospital to induce Baby's arrival.

Those of you who know us well enough would know the date is special to us... =) so whether Baby arrives on 22nd or 23rd, the date would still be meaningful....
But we're hoping Baby arrives before then.... we really don't want to force Baby to exit the place he/she feels so safe and secure in......

It's been quite a bad morning/afternoon so far....
Darling tried to bring me out for a good meal, since i'm gonna be deprived of all the food/drink I love to eat during my confinement.... but I just couldnt' seem to think of anything I really wanted to eat.
I'm also feeling quite moody and down....
Ended up having quite a good meal at Ichiban Sushi... the food and service were good, and prices were reasonable.....
Yet, it had to be spoilt by me..... coz just as I told Darling I was full, I puked all my lunch and breakfast out.... =(
Kinda sucky... but I guess I'm used to the feeling... just that it had disappeared for so long....

I know I ought to sound happy and excited about Baby's arrival.....
But my emotions are all mixed up right now.
I guess the past 40 weeks was just me putting away the thoughts of the changes we'd be experiencing. Although prep has been going on and all, but well, I guess the whole talking about it to Doctor just now has caused reality to hit home, and well, it sure hit hard......
So many unknowns....
I can only pray and hope for the best.
Right now, just wanna spend as much quality time with Darling as possible....
coz that's something I really fear losing at this moment.
Of course Baby's welcome into our lives, and I'm more than happy to form our family unit....
But, well, I guess it's coz i'm so comfy with my life right now that I don't wanna give it up...
I do know though that once Baby arrives, I'll feel differently.....and I'll probably look back at this post in a couple of months and smile in amusement at the thoughts going through my mind....
For now though..... I guess I still wanna be selfish for a little while more......

On another note....
OTC went relatively well.......
As always, there were those that exceeded our expectations, met our expectations, and those that fell below it.....
But it's all good.... after all, we all need time to grow and change, and it's through such experiences that one grows......
The kids are doing well enough for now...
And my advice, or rather advice from the 7 of us have been given out in the best way possible.
I only hope the lessons they've learnt and their take-home message stays with them long-term, and not just a short-term post-camp high.... because our messages, though not prepared, especially those said during the debrief, yet, it came straight from our heart...... we meant every single word we said to every single one of them......
The road ahead is theirs to walk.....
and well, all we can do now is to pray and let God lead the way.

2009-03-13T13:21:00.002+08:00

I'm 39 weeks today!

By right, Baby ought to be due next Friday... .but we never know do we?

Had my weekly check-up yesterday. I'm now 74.55kg. Argh... anymore weight gain and i'd have put on a total of 20kg!!! Sheesh. I just hope the weight goes away as easily as it came on!

Baby's weight is still about the same and he/she has engaged already, meaning it's in position... so I'm pretty much just waiting for time. The doctor did say though that as long as Baby shows that he/she is comfy, we'll just leave him/her inside... after all, Baby is a human too!

Baby was rather naughty yesterday though... mischievous, I would say.... we were monitoring the heartbeat again, and Baby chose to play a game of hide-and-seek with us... so half the time was spent trying to find the heartbeat again! It's funny how Baby managed to do that despite having so very little space in my tummy!

Hmmm... OTC is this weekend. I wonder how the kids will fare.
Though Darling and myself are not directly in the picture, which feels really weird by the way... yet, we'll probably still stop by just to check things out. Somehow, there's never been a camp in which we both didn't participate, whether directly or indirectly. And much as we wanna let go... yet certain things don't seem to be done in the way we'd prefer it. But well, since we've already chosen to let go.... there's only so much we can do or say. =)

I just hope the kids gain what they need to gain out of this camp. It's less than 3 months to the end of our time. The future, though seemingly uncertain.... yet, I somehow see the end, the possibility of the outcome... and I must say that I ain't too optimistic about it.

Not that I see the end of Legion coming... it probably won't... not this soon.... I'm more worried about the legacy that the few of us have wanted to leave behind... Darling, Nigel and me came from the same era.... the rest came a little while later..... in the 11 years we've been around... there hasn't been much changes in the way Legion is run... the way camps are done.... I fear that all these would disappear after we're gone and the new generation takes over... simply because they aren't as certain or clear of what they want.

I do agree that change is always necessary in any organization.
It's only then that there will be growth.
The leaders must always be open to suggestions and new ideas.
Things can't stay the same forever.
Yet it's important to remember how it all began, what's important to the ministry, and what made it work all along.
And from there, search for the balance, and use what's best for the members........
Yet, like I always say,
It's all in God's hands......
I just hope our kids stay firm to what makes us who we are...
To not sway to the opinions of others who have no better idea.....
And to keep what makes us special.............
To keep the legacy that we've fought so hard to keep all these years.......

Insomniac

2009-03-07T12:21:00.002+08:00

These last 3 days have been bad.

Sigh.

I have no appetite to eat anything at all.
Not craving for anything, don't feel like putting anything in my mouth.
And when I finally do eat, I feel like puking.
It sucks.
And my mum keeps reminding me that I've to eat cos I'm pregnant.
I know I am.
But I can't help it if Baby is causing me to not want to eat.
It's not like I'm dieting or anything....

Ah well.......

I can't fall asleep either.
I think I'm suffering from insomnia.
Really really sleepy.
But I just can't fall asleep.
And when I do fall asleep, I awaken super easily.
I'm just thankful that I'm not teaching right now, or both me and the kids would be suffering.
As a result of the lack of sleep, I have a constant headache,
And I get super emotional.
But I don't know what to do about it.

When I get real frustrated coz I can't sleep,
I wake poor Darling up.....
And that's the only way I manage to sleep in the end,
On his arm/chest.
You'll probably be asking, "Why don't you just go to sleep like that in the first place?"
Well, it ain't that easy.....coz he'll end up getting cramps in his arm from the position.
Secondly, he likes to sleep on his side....so when I do sleep like that, he's uncomfortable too.
So I try to do it only when I really can't put myself to sleep.

For those of you who are wondering, Darling is getting better.
He's out playing soccer now, even though he shouldn't be exercising considering that his chest is congested.
But I believe he knows his own limits.
And it's been a year or so since he played soccer, and it's something he enjoys.
How possible is it for him to do so in a carefree manner after baby is born?
I decided to let him go anyway.....

On a lighter note, his 2 day MC has allowed us to spend some quality time together.
I really appreciate it.

Hmmm.......

Baby has been acting up lately.
I'm not sure if what I experienced two nights ago was only a kickstart to the full experience of contractions.
No one seems to be able to fully describe to me how it feels.
It sucks to know I'll be experiencing it and that that is usually the one that tells you you're in labour, and yet, not know exactly how it feels.
All my friends who've just delivered have been induced..... meaning, it wasn't exactly unplanned, if you know what I mean.
By the way, for the record, only 11% of all pregnant women ever experience their water bag bursting before they reach the hospital. So all those nonsense drama we see on TV is unreal.

Anyway, the other night, it was real bad.
Not a sharp pain kind of bad, which is good, coz I can "tahan" this kinda pain better than sharp ones.
My whole spine felt like it was cramping up.....
All my leg muscles felt weak and strengthless.......
Baby felt like he/she was moving downwards.......so my whole stomach was hurting.....
And in addition to that, Baby was kicking in all directions, so it felt like my stomach was being pulled in all 4 corners.
I cried coz I didn't know how to ease the pain.
But they were silent tears.
If it's gonna be this bad, I'm kinda thankful.
Coz I know I'd probably kill something if it were sharp pain instead.
But then again.....
I guess I wouldn't know until the time comes, would I?
*shrugs*

Ah.... random post once again.

Can't be helped.
I just woke up.
Shall go rack my brains on what to eat for breakfast/brunch/lunch......

Latest updates

2009-03-05T17:44:00.002+08:00

Once again, we're back from yet another check up.

Today, we heard Baby's heartbeat for the very first time. I'd always known that babies had a faster heartbeat, but I never could imagine how fast it sounded..... it was quite amazing! =) Baby had an average heart rate of 150-170 beats per minute. =)

Only problem with this whole thing was that it lasted for 30 minutes, and we'll hav to do it again next week. As I was lying flat on my back, it got quite uncomfortable less than 10 minutes into the monitoring. Darling is also down with a viral flu, so we both almost fell asleep listening to Baby's heartbeat! I can imagine Baby's indignance at the fact that both his/her parents almost fell asleep whilst monitoring him/her! =p

Anyway, this was to give Doctor an idea of how regular Baby's heartbeat is, as well as to check my womb has started contracting. Despite all the sayings of how I'd most likely be early, yet today, it didn't show in any sense. Baby has a regular heartbeat, and I didn't have any contractions today.

I'm now at an unimaginable weight of 73.1kg, but thankfully, all the weight gain in the last 2 weeks have definitely gone to Baby! Baby's now at an estimated weight of 3kg, and with 2 more weeks to go before we hit the due date, I seriously have no idea how much more weight Baby will put on!

Today has been quite a rough day though. Both today and yesterday, i didn't have much appetite, and today, I'm constantly feeling like I'm gonna puke. Sigh.......... I'm tiring super easily too. Can't seem to walk for very far before I start feeling tired and breathless. Today, just a short walk up a flight of stairs on the overhead bridge made me feel like crap........ I guess it's all the weight I'm carrying. Hmmmm.... I hope I get my appetite back soon....

Been difficult to fall asleep lately too. Take close to an hour to truly fall asleep, and if I do wake up, it takes a while before I sleep again. My tailbone hurts badly, and my tummy's itching a lot... Darling says it's definitely cos Baby is growing fast and stretching my skin to its very max.......

Hmmm... I hope Darling's virus goes away soon....the last time he had this was just before the camp last year..... and he was ill for more than a week with fluctuating fever and all......... then I was only 4 or 5 months, and could still take care of him properly....now, I can't even take care of myself...... in addition to the fact that Baby may arrive anytime soon, he really needs to recover super quickly, or he won't be able to carry Baby!

2009-03-02T12:58:00.002+08:00

Working without a dream is treacherous.
Dreaming without working will always leave it a dream.

I'm scarily melancholic and deep in thought these days.

I also happen to relish time with Darling more and more.
The fear of losing our freedom is really getting to me.

At the same time though, I can't wait for Baby to arrive. Neither can Darling.
It's not only the anxiety of wanting to see the being that's been lovingly created and nurtured in the last 9 months, but also the want to spend more time with Baby before I have to start work once more.

Many people want to exclusively spend the first year with their Babies....how many have that kind of luxury?
I wish I did.
Did you know my ultimate dream in life is to be a housewife?
Now you do....
Which is why I keep questioning the occurrences in my life together with my dreams.
But God has His plans, and I have to stick to them.
I do want to be the kind of Mummy and wife that's there for the family....
after all, I am a workaholic.......
But, I know I'll manage and survive.

Busy working on the invitation cards for Baby's first month.
It's a lot of work.
But it does save the cash......
And well, it keeps me from being ever so bored.

Being pregnant gives you weird dreams.
I'm serious.
I get weird people appearing in my dreams....people whom I rarely think about.
Having them appear is one thing. They do weird unspeakable things in my dreams.
*shudders*
Thank God dreams are not real.
But the memories of the dreams are..... and they haunt my mind during the day......

Ah well..... super random post....
this is what happens when you have too much time on your hands,
and nothing you can do about it.
There's so much housework waiting for me......but none I can tackle due to Darling and Mummy's nagging that I ought to be resting......
*rolls eyes*
Didn't our grannies survive just the same, doing housework when they were pregnant and stuff?

Anxiety for labour day scares me.
Fear of the healing process after labour scares me even more.
But what scares me most is learning to be responsible for a whole new life....
A life that I have to be responsible for, for the rest of my life.
Yet, I can't help but still wonder,
"Baby, when are you coming out?"

2009-03-01T16:11:00.000+08:00

Marley and Me

2009-02-28T16:58:00.001+08:00

Just caught the show Marley and Me....... had originally wanted to catch it because firstly, it's about dogs......and the trailer looked good too.... but then, the reviews in the new paper was quite bad....so, I was a little reluctant as to whether to watch it or not......

But then again, how bad can a movie about dogs be? So, Darling and me decided to catch it anyway........

We definitely were not disappointed at all......I guess, the movie was so much more meaningful to us because we could identify with the main characters of the show in so many ways....... starting a family, venturing on untrodden ground, the fear of having to give up our dreams for the family, the possible sleepless nights that awake us, and having our lives border on the brink of insanity because of the child....... it's things I've been thinking about and fearing all these while as Baby's due date inches nearer........ of course, Darling's dog is also aging...... she's 10 this year, which is really quite old in dog years....... so, I guess the fear of losing her is also present.......

All that just made the show so much more real...... and that's what made it so much more impactful on the both of us..........it's been an hour since the movie, and the both of us are still shaken by it....... I think we both spent the last 15 mins of the show tearing........something common for me, but really rare for darling.......

Although the show obviously paints a pretty picture of how the couple survived all the nonsense they had to go through whilst coping with the demands of a child...... yet, it just reminded the both of us that we need to be really patient with each other, and when things really do get bad.... we just need to take a short breather and clear our heads because exhaustion can get in the way of clear-headed thinking......... I guess we really have to remember the mantra taught to us during the EE, which is to be life-giving to one another, and to make decisions out of love for the other person..........

Sigh..........

Anyway, I had my first bout of 'practice' contractions today....or so I think.....I'm not really sure myself....I've read so so much about it..... but, not one person can tell me exactly how it feels like, so I'm not sure myself..... Darling was so worried that it was the real thing...... but, my heart just tells me it's not today....I think! But my tummy is truly feeling weird today....... and my back was hurting like mad last night....... Is it gonna get worse? I should think so...... I just hope I have the mental and physical capacity to go through it. Seriously, that's all I'm praying for right now...... I really hope I don't have to make use of any medical help to get through the pain that I'm anticipating..... I mean, so many women have survived it before us...... our bodies were designed for this natural act...... we shouldn't need any medical interference...... but, it's all easier said than done...... and I'm just praying for strength.....

A couple of things have occurred in Legion lately that makes the possible path ahead for this ministry I so love so much clearer....... Darling and me seem to be able to see where this is all heading........ apparently plans and steps have been taken in various directions to come where it is today....... but it's all speculation on our part..... though we may not be 100% sure, but it sure appears to be that way.... I dunno if it's the best way out for Legion....but then again, I'm only human...... and with our priorities on our family..... I guess we both just have to let go, and trust that the Lord will lead it in the right direction. Whatever it is, I believe that the both of us have done what we could in the last 3 years......... the road ahead for this ministry, though uncertain, yet I'm sure God will guide them through.........

The Wrestler

2009-02-25T21:10:00.002+08:00

Hmm...today's the beginning of Lent...... it seems so soon.... so, well, Darling and me woke up early to watch Champions League, then we went for the early Mass..... followed by our check-up at the doctor's, before we caught a movie at Cineleisure.......

Lately we've been rather caught up with the game Little Big Planet on PS3.... it's a super super cute game, and we're enthralled by the character's antics as he/she tries to explore the "planet"..... =D

Anywayz, i caught the second half of the Man Utd vs Inter Milan match...... for all the recent sports headlines about how wonderful Man U plays, sighz, I must say I was disappointed. InterMilan truly took my breath away with their skill and passing..... I hope Inter manages to beat Man U at home during the next leg.... but well, my focus is on Liverpool's game tonight... so it don't really matter....... =)

So yup.... Mass was normal, but super packed, considering it was at 6.30am......the pews were all filled up.... totally didn't expect that kinda attendance so early......

Check-up was alright....I've gained about 200g, making my total weight 72.6kg right now, and well, the weight gain was totally attributed to Baby..... who now weighs 2.6 kg..... we have yet another appointment next week, which is when we'll start taking note of Baby's heartbeat.......hmmm...i'm already 36wks and 5 days.....it's really less than 3 weeks away, though of course, despite all the talks about how Baby's full term is 40 weeks, it actually can last up to 42 weeks.........

Anywayz, main 'highlight' of the day was the movie we caught, "The Wrestler".... it isn't really advertised or promoted in any sense, and seriously, I didn't know about it, but Darling wanted to watch it, so I thought, why not? I don't really know what to say about the movie, in the sense of whether it was good or bad...... but i do think it's a movie that makes you think about life. I know I wouldn't have watched this movie if it were on HBO or something...... and my focus wouldn't be as strong...... but then again, it wouldn't warrant a full price of a movie ticket..... so I'm quite thankful we only paid $6....... the movie though was very much thought-provoking.....it's quite a sad and dark movie in terms of its main themes and thoughts..... about how real our life actually is. It's sad how famous ppl actually sometimes end up living in their past, unwilling to let go of what they once had, yet never really are able to get back that kinda fame...... and when they do lose it, are they able to settle back into reality, or do they end up not being able to face it, and thus run back into the shadows of the past they once had?

I mean, watching this show just helped me to really question the lives of wrestlers....it's sad that everything is staged, from their moves, to their cuts and injuries.... and how popular they get depends very much on crowd popularity....... even their bodies aren't exactly 'real', if you get what I mean.... with all the steroids and medication they take.... the kind of torture they put it all through, and how they may end up chasing the dream of 'fame' so far that they lose it all.... in the process, they don't even really earn that much, unless they're incredibly famous, and their career span is so super short.... that when they are 'forced' to retire, they don't really know what else to do with their lives.... and they either live in denial....or they move on to something they don't really enjoy either......

This man's career was juxtaposed with a stripper's life...... true, she degrades her body physically and morally.... but not once does she let that side of her life interfere with her personal or family life in any sense...... and when you compare her sense of bodily degradation to that of what the wrestler put himself through.......seriously, which is worse?

It really is food for thought.......

Anyway, on another note, many things have happened in our presidium in the last few days..... despite my promises to stay in Legion and all.... i guess that somehow, sometimes, things just aren't within our control...... and well, I can't help but feel that my commitments are changing together with the changes in my life..... I still trust that God has His plans..... and well, maybe we were just made to step in during the last 3 years to aid Legion through a transitional phase..... whatever the final outcome is, I just hope it's for the best...... as for my personal dealings with this ministry, well, we'll see how things move along after Baby arrives and I settle into my new demands as a mother and teacher........

Gratefulness

2009-02-22T22:56:00.002+08:00

I've been ranting and raving about all my unhappiness and fears lately. If you think it's bad reading about it from my blog, you definitely wouldn't want to be in Darling's shoes. He gets the extreme from me. I can't help but wonder if I've let myself go into a mild form of depression, which is quite normal for pre and post pregnancy........ after all, I keep drifting in and out of mood swings, feeling alright at times, but at others, terribly down. I'm not even sure if it's all just psychological, and me just letting myself degenerate and deteriorate. I try so hard to put up a happy front when I'm around others..... but when I'm alone.... that's when things start hitting home.........thankfully though, Darling's really patient with me, and sweet about it all..... I'm just worried about whether this will get worse post-delivery.....

Bouts of puking have been occurring to me these last few days. I have no idea why. Maybe Baby's pressing on my stomach or something. But the backaches are truly quite horrible lately. Coupled with Baby's incessant kicking, it does get painful and unbearable. I'm also feeling terribly warm lately.... which is something really rare, if u know me..... these days, I perspire even in my sleep.... and perspiration is something that was almost alien to me before.... But, I'm trying to live with it......

I try hard not to look at the mirror, so that I escape from feeling terrible about myself... that's the only thing I can do to stop feeling miserable and lousy.

Yesterday, somehow, I felt God's presence during Mass.... He was trying to ease all my fears about the future, about the unknown......through the hymns we sang, and through the emotions that ran through my mind as I prayed. Most importantly, it was also in one of the articles in the Catholic News...... reading it just reaffirmed everything I believe in..... God's plans for us..... The faith of the mother is simply amazing, and I have utmost admiration for her and her courage.....

She has 1 daughter, who is now 8 years..... and she lost her second son to complications during surgery when he was just 45 days old.... her youngest daughter, 9 months old, is also now battling for her life........ yet.... she says this in the article.

"If not for my faith, I don't think I will be able to accept all of these. I feel clost to God. I know the road to His is filled with suffering and pain and never eay. Probaby He chose me because He thinks I can endure all these."

"Life is given by God after all. If God wants to give my baby a hole in her heart, I have to take it. I can't just throw my cross away. Whenever bad things happen, I thank God that I can grasp some good."

"Usually, these babies pass on because of complication and malfunctions. They will not enjoy quality life, but I always believe in miracles. I don't want to cast a verdict on her but just to cherish her everyday and thank God for another hour, another day. I know he will take care of us. A non-believer probably doesn't see God's hand in this experience. I choose to keep quiet and let hem see for themselves why I'm able to overcome myself. When people say I'm very strong, I tell them it's God who bestows courage on me before giving me this."

Despite all the pain, Mrs XX does not regret giving birth to her daughter. "She didn't choose to be born by me. She was handpicked by God and so was I, to conceive her. I feel so proud of ther that she's been through so much. I know God will take us through. With that in mind, whatever happens, I'll just take it and walk on."

Reading that article, I feel almost ungrateful to be complaining about all that I'm going through. It's simply nothing compared to what this mother is going through, yet, she's faithful and strong throughout it all...... and shouldn't that be just how it is for us? How often do we simply just lose faith in God because of difficulties and hiccups in life? As mentioned very aptly in Evan Almighty,
"When you pray for courage, does God give you courage, or does He give you opportunities to build courage?" It's something I so definitely need to keep in mind.....especially when the road gets tough.........

28 more days.....

2009-02-20T15:01:00.002+08:00

Today is 20 Feb.

Baby is due on 20 March. I'm exactly a month away.

But I think Baby will be early.
Everyone seems to think so too.
Darling's grandma was just commenting yesterday on how my tummy is getting really low, which of course translates to the fact that Baby is indeed moving downwards.

It scares me, the thought of labour.
Darling keeps telling Baby to try to arrive only when he's home from work, and to give him warning signals..... but I wonder how true that will be.
Darling's going for duty today, and he'll be going again on 6 March.... I'm so full of fear that Baby will decide to arrive on days like that when he's not around.

Reading all the info I can abt labour and its pains really do frighten me.
I want as natural a delivery as possible, but I'm so worried that I can't endure through the pains.
I'm also worried about the healing process, and whether my body will change drastically after that.

Sighz....

I've been getting real melancholic these days.
Knowing that our carefree couple days are nearing its end, I sometimes wonder if we ought to have planned for this little one.....because I'm so reluctant to give up my freedom. Yet I know that God has His reasons for entrusting this little life into our care at this point of time.
Movies.
Dinners.
Getaways.
Long walks.
They all seem to be fading into the distance. I fear it's loss....I really do.
I want so much to spend what precious time I have left with Darling doing things we'll not be able to do soon enough (without worries, commitments and guilt on our minds).... but we have so many other things to do as well. It sure doesn't help that physically I'm no longer up to doing everything I used to be able to do.

I know I sound crazily depressed, which is something I shouldn't ought to be feeling at this point.
A part of me can't wait for Baby's arrival, to see the little one that I've been protecting, growing and nurturing for the last 9 months.
But the other part of me wishes it wasn't so soon.

I guess it just doesn't help that I don't feel entirely good about my own physical appearance right now. I keep feeling fat. And I fear that all the scars and marks I've accumulated over the last 9 months won't disappear after Baby is born, and that I'll be stuck with them for life. My love for short skirts...... do they have to disappear with the arrival of a child? I sincerely hope not.

I've always exuded self-confidence when it came to my dressing. I always wanna present my best self forward, to push away any nagging thoughts of lowness away....... But it ain't easy to do so anymore. It takes so much out of Darling to convince me that I still look alright....yet, I never am fully convinced.

Sighz.... I hate feeling all self-pitiful......

I have to admit that it's nice to be pregnant, coz when you walk on the streets, all the ladies who've been through pregnancy can't help but smile, and share their stories with you about babies..... everyone seems concerned about you, even if you've never met them before....... I love hearing about their experiences, sharing what I'm going through, and knowing that i'm not alone. But I guess that underneath all of it, I do detest the changes that my body is going through.

Come to think of it, Darling and myself have not had any pictures taken this year...... actually, not since I discovered I was pregnant...... other than the ones in Bintan and at camp, of course. Even then, we rarely had couple photos taken together.

We've been contemplating whether or not to take studio shots of my tummy..... and to compile them with Baby's newborn pics later on into an album...... but Darling's so worried that I'll hate the way I look in the photos, and as a result, further decrease my self-esteem.....

Of course, money's another factor.
And it won't help that I'll be on 3 months of unpaid leave.... the reason behind it? A long story....
Our disposable income is gonna decrease greatly, and i really do hope Baby will be healthy and not need any healthcare other than what is most basic...... there's still the insurance to think about, and so many other impending costs........

I do trust that God will bring us through it all..... yet I can't help but be human about these worries.......

Ah..... sorry this post is so gloomy...... once again, I guess i'm just ranting and raving away......

2009-02-17T14:19:00.002+08:00

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.

I read that quote in a Mummy's magazine yesterday, and I think it's very very true....especially since the most important part/component of a marriage is the communication. Without the communication, it's nothing. (And of course, i don't mean communication in the most literal of senses!)

Went for my doc check-up yesterday..... I'm now 72.4kg! But I'd expected worse....and well, it's only a 2.4kg weight gain from the last month... so it's not that bad la...... =) Baby now weighs 2.5kg..... a tad bit heavier than he/she ought to be, for that's the average weight of a 36week old foetus...and Baby is only 35 weeks and 3 days old....

I'm getting increasingly tired each day, and my back is seriously breaking from the added weight....doesn't help that I'm still having my stuffy nose and cough..... so sleeping each night is a real problem.......I just puked on my bed last night coz I was unwell...... and that was at like 1am..... sighz... was telling Darling that this is in prep for Baby's arrival!

Hmm...the check-ups are gonna be weekly from now on....because I'm about a month away from the estimated due date........ with every check-up there's gonna be monitoring of baby's heartbeat..... and well, that means extra cash to fork out...... it's so stressful coz we've already spent 600++ on buying all of Baby's necessities...... and there was more money to fork out yesterday as deposit for doctor's fees for delivery.... plus the investment in our videocam.... sheesh..... I truly truly feel broke. Just as we were planning to save more money this month, we ended up spending more...... this is truly eating into our savings.... sighz......and there's still baby insurance and savings to come! Boy oh boy.... I just hope we manage......

Anywayz.... school's finally out for me.....rushed all my assignments out on Sunday night till 3 am...so that I've nothing outstanding anymore and can focus my attention on the multitude of things to be done right now.....

We're still fretting about choosing a nice and suitable Chinese name for the Baby..... sheesh....it sure ain't easy....can't believe we actually bought a book titled "Choosing Auspicious Chinese Names". Super cheesy can? But we really have no idea, and we detest common names.... can't help that we often link a character of a person to his/her name..... ah well.....

Alright.... washing machine's beeping...more baby laundry to hang!

Happy Valentine's!

2009-02-15T00:03:00.003+08:00

Ah....my nose is killing me...... it's insane....i've had a blocked nose since last evening.... and my throat is absolutely sore...... coughing my lungs out coz of the phelgm, and mummy's terribly worried abt me... seeing as i'm gonna be seeing doctor on Monday though, I'm trying not to think too much...and just to drink more water...

Darling and me spent a quiet but sweet Valentine's today....... we woke up late... abt 11 plus...... soaked all of Baby's hand-me-downs before going out for brunch at Crystal Jade..... had dim sum and porridge....comfort food for the both of us, then we went to source a few more baby items before buying groceries for dinner and for the house......we spent $100+ on groceries...it's insane man....but oh well.... =)

came back and rested coz I was feeling terribly weak and tired... Darling washed Baby's clothes and did some housework in the process.... then at abt 6 plus, we started preparing dinner...or rather, Darling prepared, and I assisted him... hee....it's times like that where I have to be terribly life-giving.... much as the kitchen stuff is my forte, when he does offer to cook, I usually try to let him do things his way, whilst giving him a little advice here and there......cannot dampen his creativity and style..... after all, it's not only the theory behind the cooking, but also the feelings put into the food....and food cooked with love is always gonna taste fantastic... =D

We had potatoes, beef, salad, and extremely fantastic dessert - baked apples with lemon sorbet and vanilla ice-cream..... We didn't eat much today, but we sure enjoyed our food.... =)

Hmmm.... Baby has so many many clothes....did all the washing and folding, and well, there's still two more sets of things to be washed.....just hope all these would be done before Baby decides to arrive into this world!!!

sighz.....sometimes I can't help but wish we had our own place, so that we could have more privacy and freedom, especially on days like that where we wanna create surprises for each other....yet....well, I truly believe that God has better plans for us....just hope we can fulfill our dream of having our own place by the end of next year..... =)

Many assignments to complete.... plus tomorrow's gonna be an extremely long day since it's 49 days since Darling's granny passed away....... better get started on other stuff now!

what valentines mean to me

2009-02-13T21:23:00.002+08:00

Haven't posted in 12 days..... the last few days have been hectic as it's the final dash before the semester ends, so assignments were piling up to the brim..... as of now, I still have 3 outstanding assignments to complete by Monday....

My mum was also warded in hospital over the weekend due to the presence of kidney stones...it's a real long story, but Saturday - Tuesday consisted of a mad rush to hospital in the midst of the night and staying there till the wee hours of the morning.......

I think all the lack of sleep has led to my falling ill.... am now suffering from a stuffy nose and really bad throat, which worries me because well, i'm 5 weeks away from my due date......

Baby's stuff are all pretty much ready for arrival.....and I'll be taking time to go wash all the linens, clothes and etc over the next few days... we still have the video camera left to buy, and i'm really hoping we'll manage to get that soon...... somehow, I have a feeling that Baby's gonna be early......

Walking's getting really difficult these days, and to lie down in position to sleep is also not easy.... Baby's getting quite big.... and I can't fit into all my t-shirts anymore..... as a result, I've worn Darling's shirt to school twice this week! It's craziness....... and over these two weeks, I've puked a couple of times too.....

Baby's really funny.......lately, I think due to the lack of space in my stomach for him/her, everytime there's pressure exerted on my stomach, i.e. from seatbelts, my leaning on tables, etc, Baby would react to the pressure by kicking or pushing against it, resulting in lots of pain on my part! Whilst it's painful, yet I'm super amused by it... =)

Hmmm...tomorrow's V-day......it's probably my last V-day that can be spent freely and without worries......kinda sad actually....usually Darling and myself don't attach much importance to the day itself, coz we feel that the day is over-hyped, and it's an expensive day...... we usually just have a quiet meal a couple of days before........ but this year, i guess there's just the silent awareness and understanding that next year and the years after are gonna be really different.... with Baby around, things ain't gonna be the same no more........ true, we could ask someone to babysit for us...but I guess that as a parent, you never ever do take your mind off your child..... so it's gonna be different.........

But oh well, I guess it's just part and parcel of the journey of life..... watched a tonne of movies lately...... Australia, Bride Wars, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Reader. Other than Bride Wars, which is your typical chick-flick with a hint of meaning behind the story.... the rest are really quite interesting and thought-provoking....my fav is still Australia and The Reader...... more because of the themes they carry within their story plot, which stays with you even after the movie........ I do feel that the latter did not need the full nudity scenes though....as it didn't enhance the story...... Felt that they could have done partial nudity instead, and rated the movie M18, making it more accessible to the public. It's really quite a good show. Australia touched on a whole lot of themes and was really very interesting even though the movie was immensely long..... i liked the show........ whilst Benjamin Button was nicely done and rather interesting..... yet, maybe there was too much hype around the show, causing me to not enjoy it as much as I would have otherwise.........

gonna go take a rest now..... the blocked nose is really getting to me........ hope it clears so darling and myself can enjoy our v-day tmr.....

Power vs. Authority

2009-02-01T14:32:00.002+08:00

Heard this sermon during today's Mass...and I find it absolutely meaningful......

Power vs. Authority

We all have the power to make our own decisions, our own choices. Every single one of us, even a child.

But, do we make it with the right kind of authority? Do we make these decisions stemming from God's authority and what we know to be His will, or do we make it based on our own thoughts, our will, influence from others and hearsay?

Do we make decisions after having prayed about it, and thought through about it, with sureness that this is what God would want for us? Or do we make it out of OUR own will? If your decision is made out of God's authority, the consequences would be compassion and love, even if it is the decision to sack someone.

As parents making decisions for their children, are these same decisions of which school to go to, what to do, etc made out of God's authority, or out of your own selfish authority as a parent?

Think about it....

God gave us all the power to make our own decisions.... why not exercise this power with the right kind of authority - God's authority....

"Listen today to God's voice, harden not your hearts.
Today, we hear the voice of our God."

Frustration

2009-01-30T13:20:00.002+08:00

Ah....... I cannot stand this.

Feeling really irritable these days... I dunnoe if it's my hormones at work, or if it's just me. People who know me and my style of work and preparation know that I'm NEVER a last minute person. I like my things organized and prepared, ready for anything to happen at anytime. This is how I approach my life and my work. Others can do what they like, as long as it doesn't affect me, and as long as they finish it by the deadline that has been set. But for myself, everything MUST be ready long before the deadline, as far as possible. I'm a tough worker, and a workaholic in any sense.... you can call me a perfectionist in some sense as well..... but that's who I am, and that's the way I feel most comfortable working.......

Baby's arrival is in 7 weeks. As of now, the room is still only halfway prepared for its arrival. I cannot take it. I need my room in full order as I imagined it, so should Baby decide to enter the world early, everything would have been prepared already. All was fine, and by end of Feb, I should get everything done already. However, my godfather just happily convinced my Dad that there's no need to buy all the furniture that I wanna buy so early.... because it's so easy, and anyway, according to him, we ought not to be moving furniture around. BUT...... I don't want to have to return from the hospital with nothing ready for the baby, and still having to worry about buying all the stuff! I want to come home a rested mum, with everything ready for my baby, so that all I have to worry about is to learn how to take care of the child in the best possible manner and not worry about such mundane and unnecessary stuff!!!!!!!!

*rolls eyes*

The suckiest part is that my dad couldn't even be bothered with listening to such superstitious things about buying new furniture in...... but now, he's completely bought over by my godfather's words. And once my dad has set his mind to something, it's almost impossible to change it!

I had planned to go buy everything with my darling today or tomorrow. I want to clear all these mess out of my head.... so that I can complete the rest of my assignments before the end of the semester....... just had to do what I can to try and secure my teaching position in SAC, which is 'threatened' because of a lot of disruption due to my pregnancy.

Everything's hanging in mid-air right now..... uncompleted, unfinished. I hate leaving things half-done...... It just leaves more things in my mind to be thought about.... and being the workaholic that I am, my brain can't stop thinking about all these things..... working things out..... sheesh.

humph...i sound like a crazy person right now, ranting and raving.....but I need a place to air my grouses.

Doesn't help that I just sprained my ankle real badly yesterday..... which makes walking much harder than it already was... I was waddling before....now i'm limping and waddling. Add to that my increased weight, my good ankle is really suffering from it all.....

I guess that just makes me a far grumpier person than i already was.

Sigh.

i really hope everything works out soon........ so I can stop thinking about some things.... and focus more on preparing myself for what lies ahead...........

tired and irritable

2009-01-28T15:55:00.002+08:00

Well, it's been 18 days since my last post.

It's hectic la, I tell you..... to have only 6 weeks in a semester...I practically have assignments due every other week! Thank God this week is e-learning week, so I can at least rejuvenate myself a little.

I don't know if anyone else feels it, but this year's CNY is seemingly short. I don't feel the vibe at all this year, and all I really wanna do is to slack around. Haha... I love having my birthday during CNY..... it really helps financially..... got a few angpows due to the fact that it's my birthday........ on the other hand though, many tend to forget it coz of the whole hype around CNY..... Fr. Tim was really sweet though, mentioning it during his sermon......I was frozen in fear when he mentioned that it was someone's birthday for fear that he would say my name! Thank God he didn't..... but I do appreciate the thought though!

I guess CNY is more of a chore to me because Darling and myself have so many places to visit on the first day alone....... and it sucks for me coz we always end up spending so little time at my extended family's gathering.....ah well, we must find a way to work around it next year, especially since little Moo is gonna be around!

Speaking of little Baby, we're still thinking of Baby's Chinese name....sheesh...it's such a huge headache coz we can't seem to decide on one if Baby turns out to be a boy! All the old folks seem to feel it's a little girl though...... *shrugs*.... it really doesn't matter la....

hmm...i'm now 70 kg...can u believe it? Sighz.....and Baby's now 1.8kg.....i really hope i manage to lose all the weight I've put on come post-pregnancy.......or I'll really kill myself..... feeling dreadfully heavy these days....and I'm 7 or 8 weeks away from delivery!!!! most mummies are worried at this point about the process of delivering....I'm however more hung up about the change in my life once baby really arrives into the world.....I think I'm a little weird.

Ah... this post is so random......just signifies the mess of thoughts in my head..... will write more when I'm more settled!!!

The Case of the Flying Bamboo

2009-01-10T19:25:00.002+08:00

Yay... I've survived the first week of school....... changed my timetable to suit my friend's so that he can send me to and from school every single day..... that makes life so much easier...... =D Every single day I meet old friends and acquaintances who exclaim in shock and joy at how pregnant I look.... then they ask how many months, and if it's a boy or a girl..... haha...i somehow feel like hanging a sign around my neck to answer these questions...... =) Baby's been extremely active lately too..... so they're getting a kick out of feeling it's movements (pun intended....)

It's gonna be a hectic semester though.... as we have only 6 weeks before we officially go into schools for our final attachment, hence, the school term and schedule is extremely packed with our first assignment due the week of CNY...... sighz.... I haven't even settled in yet.... dunno how I'm gonna bring myself to start on my assignments so soon.......

hmmmz... i'm now 30 weeks into the pregnancy already, which translates to 7.5 months.... it's scary to think that in another 10 weeks, I'd be entering a whole new phase of life..... Preparations have to start being made to fit Baby's stuff into our little cosy room..... Am I ready to be a mother yet? I really have no idea..... but I'll just deal with it one step at a time.....

Planning the upcoming Legion activities, it feels almost weird to know that I'll not be participating in so many of them because of Baby's arrival...... It's even more odd because it's not of my choice that I'm not participating in them..... So many changes await this beloved ministry of Darling and mine..... I'm not sure if the kids are even ready for it yet...... But... I always believe that God has better plans than us.... and that He already foresees what is going to happen, and that it is all in His hands......

Well, anyway, back to my main reason for posting today...... The Case of the Flying Bamboo....

ha... it's quite a funny incident.... it's an extremely windy day today.... and Darling and myself hung the clothes out to dry, of which the clothes in question are my parents' bedsheets.... I was kinda worried that the clothes would blow away or that the bamboo would fly out of the hole.... But well, bedsheets have to be dried properly or they'd really stink, so we hung them out anyway..... In the process of waiting for it to be dry, I fell asleep whilst Darling was doing his work. He suddenly woke me up telling me that the bamboo had flown away. He hurried me to take a look.... apparently the weakest bamboo had flown down together with the clothes, whilst the comforter cover had detached itself from its clips and flown onto my neighbour's window. Darling told me he'd run down to retrieve the bamboo whilst I ran to my 6th floor and 5th floor neighbours to ask them to help us get our clothes. Sadly, the 6th floor owner wasn't in.... In a desperate attempt to get the comforter cover home before my mum came home, we tried using a pole to push it downwards. Thank God it didn't get stuck on any other windows!!! We ended up coming back home to wash all the items again..... sheesh.... my parents ain't back yet.... i can imagine the big hoo-hah my mum will make when we tell her of what happened coz she really hates hanging the clothes out! =D

CNY is in 16 days... which is how far away my birthday is......used to love having my birthday falling on the same day as CNY coz that means that I would get double angpows.... sighz... things are different now that I'm married..... but in a way, because of Chinese 'tradition'/'superstition' about us still being in mourning during this festive season as Darling's granny passed away less than a 100 days, so, by right, Darling and myself ought not to be attending weddings/funerals or even giving out angpows or exchanging oranges during this period, for fear that we give our 'bad luck' away...... I have no idea how true that is.... but well, it does save us lots of money.... =p and well, considering we didn't need to give out angpows in our first year, and now this is the case for this year, by next year we would also have little Baby with us, which means we would be likely to break even since we would be giving and receiving! =)

Russell's finally home from the UK.... and I'll be meeting him on Tuesday..... I so can't wait, especially since it's been 4 months since I last saw him!!!!

ah well..... hehe.... long day tomorrow.... i'm enjoying my day off, and well, trying to get my brains to start working on the assignments..... another week of work awaits.........

Post-funeral writes and pre-school anxiety

2009-01-03T23:54:00.002+08:00

well well, darling and myself have officially recovered from the exhaustion of a non-Catholic funeral. This is the only other non-Catholic funeral I've been to in my entire life..... and I swear that I'm SUPER thankful that I'm a Catholic..... and that our immediate family members remaining are all of the same faith.

I don't despise/dislike/disagree with other religions.... I'm just thankful that we have everything done in such a simple manner..... simplicity rocks man.... makes life less complicated and less expensive on the living ones......

There was much stuff I was doing for the first time....purely cos my paternal grandma who passed away4 years ago was also of the same religion as Darling's maternal grandma....but coz my grandma was past a hundred years, so everything was done very differently.... it was an eye-opener for myself.... and whilst i learnt more about the Chinese culture, tradition and the particular religion..... I've become more grateful of the Catholic way of doing a wake and funeral...

Due to our loss, well, and all the Chinese superstitions and what nots (of which I had to partake in many coz of my current condition due to fears about Baby's safety........), Darling and me are saved from having to give angpows once again during the coming New Year, especially since it's less than a 100 days after her passing....coz the Chinese believe it's bad luck for us to 拜年since we are in mourning...... so....well, we would have saved on 2 years of angpow giving.....and by 2010, Baby Moo would be receiving angpows in return whilst we give.... haha...

Spent the last night at the wake..... but Darling and myself were extremely exhausted coz of the drive to the wake each day.... it was held in Woodlands...so practically everyday, it was driving from one end of Singapore to the other..... which is really madness...... add to that, the prep I had to do for the BBQ which had been pre-planned...... sheesh..... we were tired to the max....... thank god today was a free day for us....... so we slept in and tried to repay our sleep debt as much as possible.......

My parents returned safely from Jerusalem last night....... am quite thankful for that, and to know that they enjoyed themselves..... haha...they really missed the local food though, so Darling and myself brought them out for a really fulfilling meal last night....despite it being at a hawker centre, I believe they satisfied all their cravings!!!!!

Went out with Darling tonight for a quiet dinner, especially after our hectic week...... and caught Bedtime Stories..... it's nice, not bad....maybe not memorable or fantastic....but definitely funny, and well, light-hearted in an Adam Sandler way....always love his movies.... =)

School starts on Monday for me.....my timetable is sucky yet again..... sighz.... they ought to be sympathetic to pregnant mummies, but I don't seem to have that fortune....... sucks that I have to go to school myself on 2 days....coz I'm really dreading the train ride to Boon Lay...no doubt I'll definitely get a seat coz of my humungous tummy...... but... I'm not sure if my back can take it..... coz I couldn't take the cinema seat just now.... was shifting positions throughout the show coz my back hurt like mad..... i may end up having to bring a cushion along on my ride to school.... =( sighz.... i've gotten so big now..... that walking takes a toll on me..... during the walk to TM, could really feel my tummy stretching to accomodate the little one...... ah well....... 2 more months.....it's so scary coz it just seems to be around the corner.....i'm filled with anxiety, fear, anticipation all at once.......

ah wells..... thank God school is only for 7 weeks, with an e-learning week in between...... so i believe i should be able to live through it....... have got to do reading tomorrow for chinese mass, so I guess I'd better end off here!!!

2008-12-30T02:36:00.002+08:00

We just came back from the hospital.

Darling's maternal grandmother has just passed away.

I'm kinda saddened that she's not living to see the birth of her two great-grandchildren (darling's cousin is also expecting).... but in a way, we had expected her passing on...... we just didn't know when it was coming. After all, her health has been slowly deteriorating these last couple of months, with her organs failing one after another..... medically there was no longer anything they could do... and all we were doing was just to wait for time, and improve her quality of life as far as possible.

We had just visited her on the Saturday we came back from Bintan.... coz she had requested that she wanted to see everyone.... probably a sign that she was preparing herself? I really don't know. Yet, even then, it didn't seem like it was time yet. I've seen so many deaths, visited so many that were dying in hospitals because my parents are usually so involved...... to the extent that I somehow can tell if a person's time is almost up..... yet I kept feeling that she would live to 2009 at the very least....... seems I was wrong..... I'm not sure if it's coz I kept telling God on that Saturday, and also during Mass on Sunday to let His will be done unto her, and to help her deal with the cross she has to carry. But at least, she's out of pain, and she died a peaceful death.

I am rather sad... but maybe coz Darling's family was never really close to her, so that's why I'm not as impacted by the news. But anyhow, please do pray for her soul......

It's gonna be a busy 5 days ahead.....as many plans have to be changed and interrupted..... doesn't help that the BBQ is on Wednesday, my nephew's birthday party on Thursday, and my parents' return from Jerusalem on Friday..... the wake is gonna be at Woodlands.... so.... there's gonna be many plans that need to be made.... just hope everything falls into place.....

This just reminds me of what happened last July..... it just reopened all the wounds, and made me think about what I would do if someone closer to me passed away...... Sighz.... I always feel that I am ready for death.... but I guess what scares me more and what hurts more is the people we leave behind because they are the ones that are dealing with the aftermath and the pain.... And I guess what really matters is to live our lives without regrets....so that if we were to die on any day, we would be ready to leave this world...... and at the same time, if someone else were to pass on, we would be ready to let them go without holding on to regrets of not having done enough for them..........

2008-12-29T13:58:00.008+08:00

Ah... this is gonna be a long post, documenting the Xmas Eve events, and the trip... but... it's alright... =)

Went to Pasta Fresca on Xmas Eve with Chan and Angela... and we had a wonderful Italian meal... Let the pics speak for themselves.....

Zuppa Di Mare All' Amalfitana (in English, Seafood soup... lovely!)

Grissini Casalinghi (Breadsticks wrapped with parma ham)

Triangolini Al Proscuitto di Parma ( Triangular shaped pasta filled with chicken, in a cream sauce with parma ham, tomatoes, mushrooms and onions)

Risotto al Frutti di Mare (Seafood Rissoto)

Conchiglie Pasta in Carbonara Sauce

Pizza Diavola (Pizza with a mix of pork and beef salami)

Then we went off to Risen Christ for midnight mass with Cuiling before going for supper at Joo Chiat… reached home at about 3am after sending them home… then went off to sleep….

Woke up the next morning at 8 to prepare the tarts for Darling’s family lunch…. And rushed over to help Darling’s dad with the food….. left about 1 plus to go to my Aunt’s place….. hmm… this year’s gathering at my aunt’s place was so much cozier and nicer… I dunno if it’s coz I’ve kinda been self-promoted due to my new status as a “mummy”, but I guess the adults had more things to talk to me about…. Everyone was talking, laughing… and well, I do wish I could have stayed longer….. =)

Dropped by at Rabbit’s house to pass her Ian’s present…. And forced the both Winson and Rabbit to open their present.. haha…. After which we had to rush to the ferry terminal to meet Sheena and Nigel.

I loved this trip so much more than the previous one.... very largely because of the wonderful weather..... I'm so thankful we got to see the sun this time round. =D It was very much different going on a "double date" trip... .and well, I guess we managed to have a lot of couple personal time because of that... which in a way was what I needed with Darling.... we really do need time away from everything and to ourselves..... the whole reason why I planned for the trip in the first place, despite my pregnancy! Yet having them around made it more fun to do stuff... as well as many photo shots!! haha.... Sheena did ALL the phototaking this time round coz she's so obsessed with her camera... my camera was practically useless!!! hee... but these are the pics Sheena posted on her blog...there's still more that I need to take from her!!!

The sea was maddeningly choppy this time round… I have no idea if it’s coz it was due to the rainy day on Xmas Eve, or because it was also drizzling on Xmas itself…. Sheena puked like 4 times, I puked twice, and Darling almost puked as well! It was crazy, and the boat ride seemed endless….. When we alighted, haha…. That’s where the royal treatment began….. there was a staff waiting for us at the point where we alighted. She took our passports and immigration cards, and proceeded to do the necessary stuff for us whilst we went to collect our luggage. Then we were ferried to a car to be driven to the hotel.

Upon arrival, staff formed two rows to greet us with music, welcome drinks and hot towels… then, two managers who were there greeted us, and then brought us straight to our suite with no need for check-in! There was a fruit basket awaiting us…. And well, here are the pictures of the room, which we failed to take during the previous trip!

Our room number

The living room

Our bedroom....

Sheena taking a photo of the enormous toilet....

Went for dinner that night at the coffeehouse coz the Jap restaurant we had wanted to visit was unbelievably disappointing. So, we had buffet for dinner, but it wasn’t that bad… =)

Spent the night resting, watching tv, and since Sheena was really tired after her whole puking experience, Darling and me watched soccer till we fell asleep… I simply love bathtubs in hotels…. That’s the one luxury we can’t do without…. Haha… I guess the warm water lapping in the tub was good for Baby… =)

Anywayz, we woke up for Breakfast the next morning for a really fulfilling breakfast… then, we went off to the beach to walk around for a little bit… Then we did what all Singaporeans love to do, shopping! Didn’t buy much…… after all, it was a small little marketplace….

Had lunch outside, then came back to go to the pool….

We managed to get a driver to send us out to the same kelong restaurant we went to the last time to have our dinner… and once again, we were not disappointed! It was the best meal we had during our trip, and a most cheap and satisfying one! Returned to the hotel, chilled a little, and Darling and me watched soccer once more…. =)

Had to leave the next day, but it was a pleasant experience…I think the weather made a whole lot of difference! The sea was less choppy on the way back… and well, made us feel less sick…..

Sighz….i love spending time with Darling like that…. Makes everything seem like they’re eons away…. And I guess such times will get lesser once little Baby Moo comes out…. That’s why I really treasure them right now…. We still have an offer for a Pan Pac room, and I guess we’ll be utilizing it soon… once again just to enjoy each other’s company as much as possible… I guess it’s different when u’re away from home… there’s less things on your mind…. No distractions and all….. and that’s what’s important to me… that getaway every once in a while just to recharge……..

Hmm… much to do since the BBQ is on Wednesday…… have to start on the food already!!! Back to Singapore, back to reality…….

2008-12-24T15:54:00.004+08:00

So... it's Christmas eve......it feels almost weird.... hmmz... will be going to Risen Christ for midnight mass tonight, and before that, will be having dinner with Angela, Chan, and maybe Winson..... I'm partially in the Christmas mood......not entirely there yet.... but oh wellz....

We've officially passed our first year wedding anniversary / 6 years of relationship anniversary.... relatively uneventful more coz we had so many other commitments to fulfill over the two days...somehow, having our special days so close to christmas is rather stressful coz there's always so so much to do!

Anywayz, on our anniversary, we went down to the doctor's in the morning for Baby's monthly check-up.... sighz... I have officially put on 10kg in the entire 7 months! This is freaky.... and Baby's estimated weight is now 1.02kg..... it's only 10 percent of what I have put on!!!!! Sheesh...and doc was warning that in the next few months, my weight will increase exponentially.... I'm totally freaking out la...... but apparently, my weight gain is equivalent to what Baby is putting on, so I don't really have to watch my diet yet.....

Then, after that, we went to Gunther's for lunch...... Chef got a shock when he saw me...and asked me what I did to myself! haha..... I feel kinda bad that I didn't pre-warn him of my condition.... coz I think he had to change the menu last min for me..... which is why the meal, though good, was not as satisfying as the last time..... but we still enjoyed ourselves.....it was a full 8-course meal, and was superb...... I'll let you salivate over the pics... =D

Decor on the table.... it's made out of pastry.... I have no idea what a car has to do with xmas!! But it is rather cute... =)

The bread they serve endlessly, which is fantastic.... Darling and me can never get enough of it... The only reason we ate less this time was coz everything was more filling than the last, and we were worried we'd eat more bread than the meal!!! =D

Cold Angel Hair Pasta with Oscetra Caviar, Truffle Jus and Kongbu (Jap seaweed)

Second time we're eating this, but I still love it.....

Carpaccio of Wagyu Beef with Fine Potato Chip and Shaved Truffle.
Due to my condition, I had Carpaccio of Celeriac in place of the Wagyu since I can't eat raw food... .sighz.... sucks coz Wagyu is fantastic!!! Darling was disappointed with this dish, coz he felt the Truffle actually overpowered the Wagyu... but I think mine was okay....

Consomme of Mushroom with Smoked Duck.
This is absolutely fantastic.... Darling was in seventh heaven when he drank it...

Salt-crusted Seabass with Tomato Cream Sauce
Darling wished he'd gotten a shot of the seabass encrusted in salt.... haha.... it was nice... unlike how we usually get our seabass.... =)

Alaskan King Crab with Pilaf Rice
We're eating what they catch on Deadliest Catch! haha...

Black Truffle Pasta
Chef is seemingly obsessed with serving us truffle that day. I'm wondering if it was due to my condition, where he had to change the menu last min.....or if it was intentional.... But anyhow, this was perfect....

Roasted Black Pork with Apple Compote and Potato.

Yum yum......

Our dessert / complimentary cake...

I'm guessing it's a Choux Puff filled with Cream and Chocolate.

Perfect to finish off all the heavy tastes.....

Petit Fours of Cookie, Financier and Valrhona Chocolate with our cup of Tea....

*Sighz in contentment*...... we had another table beside us who loved the food so much that he promised to be a regular at the restaurant....I was telling Darling that we can only afford to do that if both of us each earned at least 3000 a month! I'd love to eat there regularly too.... but I guess the fact that we space out our visits, makes everything even more special and intriguing..... Darling still has yet to taste a few of Chef's specialties..... I guess the next time we go there we ought to order our own food instead, so that Darling would get to taste his more fantastic food.... =)

After our very fulfilling meal, went on to shop for Darling's clothes...... and then we rushed back in time for evening mass, coz my Mum offered mass in thanksgiving for the past year...... Then it was a hectic rush to get my parents to the airport in time due to many unforeseen circumstances.... but they did manage to leave on time for their trip to Jerusalem........ hmmm.. I just hope my Dad manages to gain something out of the trip.... kinda worried coz they're not going with their usualy group of friends, although it's with many from my church..... plus the fact that the tour is conducted in English, I just hope my mum remembers to not neglect him and to help him translate whatever is being said.......

Anyway, for yesterday, we managed to catch Yes Man....... it's quite a good show.... typical Jim Carrey style.... but with lots of meaning..... I'm kinda feeling the show meant a lot to Darling, because he isn't entirely a Yes Man either.....not that he keeps turning pple down...but that he too weighs far too many options in his mind instead of just taking Life as an adventure...... =)

Hmm.... it's close to evening....many more things to do....and tomorrow afternoon, we'll be set for Bintan... in a way I can't wait.... I'm just hoping that the weather we'll get over there would be like the past few days and not like what we experienced the whole of today!!! I do wanna walk on the beach for a while, so I'm praying hard!!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!

2008-12-21T22:30:00.002+08:00

Well well.... the Legion christmas gathering is over..... i'd expected more people to turn up..... coz many many faces were missing...but it was kinda expected coz most of the older ones had work/family commitments.

My overall comments? It was a party planned by the young, for the young..... haha... it was more suited to their needs and taste, and for that, I think it was a relatively good job done.... I guess more organization could have been put into the planning, especially when it came to the organizing of the food, as in making sure that there was sufficient amount and variety...but otherwise, the programs were different and rather interesting. Decor was good too, but more consideration could be put into the cost in future! =) For things like that, much as Curia would subsidise, I guess it'd be good to keep us in the loop of what needs to be bought, and what the overall idea of the program is..... but otherwise, I do think it is a job rather well done....... =)

Hmmm...super tired right now...coz the last few days I've been working myself to the max.... with the cookie baking and all...... spent almost 3 full days working on them..so those who got them.... it's a lot of love that went into the cookies! 1 day to bake them, 1 day to decorate and pack them, and another to add the finishing touches............. then darling and me went out the whole of yesterday to complete our christmas shopping, and wrapping till about 3am this morning.... didn't help that due to darling's need to reach work by 8am, we went for the 6.45am service this morning..... then came the making of the tarts for today's party.... lucky i managed to catch a 2 hour nap in between, or i'd be super tired right now....

Sermon today was very interesting. I never thought about it until it was mentioned today. Have you realised that Christmas is probably the only festival in which its songs exist in various languages? You can hear christmas songs in so many languages, all the same tune with similar meaning, only in a different language. This proves how widespread the love of God is, and how meaningful Jesus' birth is. No matter the religion of a person, somehow, they would be affected by the Christmas bug and spirit, be it Christmas parties, decoration of their house/office, or even the mere exchange of gifts during this season. Every Christmas season, walking into a well-decorated shopping mall would somehow fill you with a warm fuzzy feeling.... the anticipation of the day itself....... What makes it more special to us believers is the faith and knowledge of Jesus' arrival into this world to save us. We may decorate our homes with Christmas trees, but how many of us truly have a Nativity set at home that awaits Jesus' birth into the world? That is the true significance of Christmas, and one I think we ought to keep in mind.... =)

Tomorrow's gonna be another super busy day....... coz tomorrow's our wedding anniversary!! =D Will be going to see doctor in the morning to check on baby...... then going for our anniversary lunch.....do some shopping thereafter......then to send my parents off to Jerusalem in the night, before heading to Darling's parents' place for Tang Yuan.....

The week ahead is gonna be very much eventful..... especially since the entire festive season seems to be so close to each other. With that, I'll end my post with the announcement to fellow Legionaries about the upcoming BBQ gathering.... Food will be entirely prepared by me...so see u there!

================================================================

Hi all,

As mentioned by Chan during today's party, there will be a BBQ gathering coming up.
Please note that this is NOT a Legion activity, but a gathering amongst friends.
Details are as follows:

Date: 31 December 2008
Time: 6pm - 10pm
Cost: $10 per person
Venue: Tanamera Crest Condominium, 6-12 Pari Dedap Walk

Meeting point: 1800hrs at the bus-stop directly opposite St. Anthony's Canossian Convent, located at Bedok North Ave 4. Bus 17 stops there.

Please confirm with Nicholas Cheang if you are coming by the 27th of December 2008, as food needs to be prepared.
More details will be provided via sms to those coming on 28th December.

Thanks!!

====================================================

twilight baking

2008-12-18T12:19:00.002+08:00

Spent the whole of yesterday baking........ this year, Darling and myself will be doing Christmas cookies as presents........ sighz... the last time I did this was 6 years ago.... haha... when we were still getting to know each other....... I still remember how my first real gift to him, not a Christmas gift was 2 boxes of cookies......

Sigh.... memories.... =)

Just realised how "weak" I've become as a result of the whole pregnancy thing.....my total baking time was about 4 hours yesterday..... with a rest of an hour in between whilst the dough rested...yet, nearing the end, I felt like crap and wanted everything to be over as quickly as possible........ sheesh..... and I've yet to do the icing on the cookies! Will be doing them tomorrow, and I just hope that I'll survive it...... =)

Went out for dinner with Darling yesterday...... sighz.... he's down with many many dilemmas, be it work or studies....and well, I guess we both needed to take some time out from everything and just chill out alone, spend some time with each other. Usually each day of our lives is filled with so many committments that it gets a little insane and hectic......coz whilst we aren't party animals or outgoing creatures, we do savour time alone as a couple.....whether it's at home, or just time walking around aimlessly in a mall...... so well, yesterday was a day to chill for us...... we ended up catching Twilight with Angela after dinner and all...... To say the truth, I had no idea about the show before this. I mean, I've heard all the little ones talking about the books and all, but I never really paid attention. Darling kept telling me that the movie is really hyped up.... plus the reviews were not bad, so I thought Why not?

Anywayz, the movie is not bad..... quite interesting, in fact....love the scenic views of everything too.... but I guess that there really is too much hype around the movie. I firmly believe in the saying of not expecting anything so that you won't be disappointed. Due to the hype, I believe many would go expecting lots of stuff..... and well, that would end up really disappointing you. Especially avid fans of the series...... I think that if you're gonna watch it, you have to watch it as a movie....comparing it to the book will only make the movie seem really really bad. It's always the case. After all, the movie is meant to cater to the general public...and already the show is 2.5 hours long...... I believe that if they were to go into detail for every part, the movie would be endless! Many parts were either too short for comfort, or too draggy.....so....it's not bad, but not fantastic, I'd say......

Hmmm.... Christmas is barely 7 days away! i'm still fretting about certain gifts for Christmas.... as of now, we've only really settled a few.....sighz....and it's not like we have lots and lots of time..... thank God I settled Darling's one by buying him his shoes... hehe...now he's left to fret not only about my christmas gift, but also my anniversary gift!

It's only 4 days to our first wedding anniversary..... It's really insane how time flies......can't wait to celebrate it coz we'll be going back to Gunther's for lunch! haha.... If you didn't already know, I used to work with the chef in Les Amis...and he left to open his own restaurant somewhere last year or so........ his food is still wonderful........ we went there in May, and because he still remembers me, he prepared a menu for the both of us...... so I made another reservation this time, and he offered not only to prepare something special, but also a complimentary cake to commemorate our day! So absolutely sweet of him.... =D

Many many things to be done and sorted through....... I think this time of the year is the busiest for everyone...what with all the celebrations and stuff.... doesn't help that it also marks the beginning of a new year........ still many discussions to be done for Legion, coz we haven't had our own evaluation yet!

In the midst of all the frenzy...... I think it's super important that we remember why we are celebrating Christmas in the first place............what's our gift to Jesus this Christmas???

Fat and Pudgy

2008-12-11T17:13:00.002+08:00

My results for the first sem of my second year are finally out. Phew. Now I can finally enjoy what's left of the holidays.

Not that I was even stressed about it in the first place! Haha...... But it's good to know that I did do well enough to not be disappointed..... didn't expect much either, coz the last sem was extremely difficult with all the puking and crap...... But oh well, now it's officially over....... 2 more months to go for next sem before my final practicum, and my NIE days would then be out of my life......... am kinda worried about the responsibilities of having to be a full-fledged teacher soon.... especially with little Baby Moo on the way.

Sighz... that's the biggest of my worries...coping between family and work...... I don't doubt my love to teach in a classroom full of children....but the fact that I've to leave my child at home whilst I'm working is what worries me...... After all, I don't deny that I'm a workaholic freak..... so... the need to be able to separate work from home is gonna have to be a big part of my life right now...... doesn't help that teaching is all about prepping!

Ah well, as the chinese saying goes, 船到桥头自然直..... and of course... the other saying that "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it."...... I believe that He has His own reasons for giving this little one to us at this point of time...... so I just have to trust in Him.

Anywayz, lately been unable to sleep at night coz of the itching all over.... sighz.... all the YGZ would understand..... it's just getting worse, and nothing seems to help. I've resorted to using a hairbrush to soothe the itch coz it's less likely to injure my skin....... sheesh.....as a result of my inability to sleep at night.... I only end up falling asleep in the wee hours of the morning.... and thus, sleep till afternoon...... as poor Baby Moo is deprived of food, the first thing I eat will immediately be vomitted out.

Ah.... so crappy... 3 more months...... right now, just hope Baby Moo is growing well... that's the only thing on my mind..... also wanna enjoy my last christmas without the worry of a child!

2008-12-08T21:28:00.002+08:00

ah...i love the weather today....it's absolutely heavenly.......which helps to reduce the itching on my body.... =D kinda reminds me of my honeymoon in australia last year.... cool wind and lovely weather.......

sighz... so nostalgic. I do wish we could go back there again this year...... the food, the weather, the people, the shopping....i miss every single moment of it. But... as a consolation, I guess the Bintan trip wouldn't be too bad either! Not sure if Angela, Winson and Chan are coming along, but if they aren't, then I guess it'd be a double couple trip with Nigel and Sheena..... I just hope the weather would be nice instead of the incessant rain we had the last time we were there!

Time flies.

It really does. Darling and me just went for our first blessing together......it's some blessing for couples who were married in the particular month.....happens every first sunday at my church..... I can't believe it's already been a year! To think that last year at this time, I was going insane trying to keep up with all the prep for the big day..... and now, we're already awaiting Baby Moo's arrival....... At this same time next year, Baby Moo would already be crawling all over the place! Sheesh....it's scary....it really is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, I've finally compiled ALL the photos from JXY together.....it is madness. I have no idea why we have this many photos this year. Maybe coz there were more cameras around..... the total file size is like 1.82GB..... insane right? I don't even know how I'm gonna fit all of them into one CD..... sheesh...and there's still the CNDH photos and the christmas party photos......

Thing is, I'm trying to compile ALL the Legion photos, documents, etc etc into a whole set of CDs to hand over to the next batch of officers for their records....... and everything so far has taken 7 discs.....i have 3 left for the remainder of 2008-2009....... at the current status, I don't think it's enough.....sighz..probably have to buy another set to store everything....... with the extra discs, i'll see my mood...maybe i'll do the entire song file in soft copy for records as well....but that's gonna be hard work!!!

sighz.....each year, i'll make a video documenting the entire JXY...i've no idea why this year I don't seem to have the mood to do so. But i still have 2 weeks before the christmas party...so let's hope I feel something before it's too late!

CNDH is over. I think it's not bad...... could definitely have been better planned with all the last-minute things that had to be done on the actual day and all...... BUT....for first-timers....with no adult supervision, I seriously think you guys did a great job. We could probably have done without all the hiccups had preparations been completed before the event (i.e. song lists, etc), but we all learn from mistakes don't we? Overall, it's good....and well, let's just wait to see what the senior curia has to say about the event......

I need to update the Legion blog too...... sheesh. So many things to do..... and I just don't have the drive to do it. My holidays seem to be flying past faster than I want it to! Ah..... many many things on my mind....... but oh well.....i need to relax esp since Christmas is only 17 days away!!!!

2008-12-04T20:42:00.005+08:00

I am sitting in Darling's parents' home.......waiting for time to pass before we go meet the rest of the gang for yet another coffee session. Chan, nigel and sheena, winson.....the only one missing right now is angela....... i don't think she'll be joining us coz she has work. Sigh...the last time we met up for coffee was the night when jxy ended......it's been a very long time since we met up for coffee so frequently.... i really treasure these moments, for they hold so many memories for us to reminisce on, especially in times when we rarely meet up. Such sessions will only get lesser in the year to come...especially with Nigel going into the army real soon, and with little moo along on the way........ I guess the coffee sessions will just have to be held in my place in future.... =)

Well, so my last camp is over. It's been an eventful camp for wrong reasons.......and I can't help but feel it's a downhill road from here on...... with the events that are occurring or have occurred, I must say that I am worried for wat's to come. But it's all out of my hands. It's the era of a new generation, and I guess it's all in God's hands, for he has his own plans.

How was camp like? I really dunno wat to say. The programs that were meant to be good, did fulfill its expectations....... but I don't think it surpassed anything.... as for the campers, well, they did give more problems this year than in previous years..... but I would say they turned out fine in the end....... as for YGZ..... well, those who are internally involved, you know what I have to say..... and I won't say more..... all I can say is that I was rather disappointed. But, I don't hurt, that's for sure, not as much as some of the rest, maybe because I gave up hope long ago. So overall, I don't know......plus the fact that I wasn't very much involved in the camp, I didn't manage to feel much for the camp. It was a very stressful camp though, since there were much programs for me to look after....but, it's all over now, and what matters is that the campers had fun, and that they took home many memories, and learnt a lot from this camp.

Found this quote on my dear friend, Russell's facebook....I think it's super nice..... and super meaningful....

josiah? or faith?

2008-11-25T21:47:00.002+08:00

Crazy week ahead, it's gonna be........

Camp is the day after tomorrow. There's just so so much to do. I have no idea why this happens every year darling and me do camp...... sheesh....the amount of things we always end up having to do piles up like a mountain. But I keep telling myself it's the last year......with Baby around next year, we can only be guests.... so I guess I wouldn't mind going all out for this year's camp....

Anywayz, just went to see the doctor again yesterday....... I have officially put on 4 kg in the last month. It's scary la.....for the first time in my entire life, my weight has gone past 60kg....... sheesh....it's utterly depressing....especially since at this same period last year, I was trying to push my weight down to 50kg...... ARGH........ Both the doctor and her nurse were shocked at my quick weight gain, but apparently, this is still appropriate for Baby, for Baby is now 680g.... Baby has doubled it's weight in the span of a month.... Doc was saying that if i'd eaten any lesser, Baby would probably be smaller....... sighz...i dunno if it's good or bad...but I know I need to start exercising soon........

Baby is kicking and punching like crazy these days..... and well, it's kinda fun to be feeling it.... Darling's having a ball of a time putting his hand on my stomach and feeling the punches....it gives him great joy....haha.... Mum tells me that soon the kicks will get so frequent that it'll disrupt my sleep...... Ah wellz.....

Now that the vomitting has more or less passed........i'm beginning to break out in rashes.....on my back, my thigh and my chest......it's totally annoying....and everytime i feel a little warm, i start itching like a monkey......totally disrupts my sleep and annoys me coz I have to sleep in aircon almost every night...... nothing helps...... so, I really hope that during camp I'm not gonna itch so badly, though I highly doubt it.....

Darling's away on duty again today..... the poor child is really overtaxed with camp stuff and all the information he has to absorb from school...... I think it's already bad that they are cramming so much stuff, but for a fact that he has never taken biology in his entire life, it makes it all worse..... i just hope he manages to cope and get used to it...... tomorrow's gonna be a day for both of us to prep all the remaining stuff for camp.....

hmmm... our year end trip is finalized..... we will be going back to Bintan once more..... haha..... Winson, Angela and Nigel would probably be scratching their heads when they hear about it. Especially after the lousy experience we had the last time there...... but well, Darling and me don't really wanna spend so much money...... and in fact we were originally thinking of just staying in a hotel to chill and spend our anniversary together...... but I hate still being in Singapore, coz it just doesn't feel the same since you're still in the country, and it isn't truly a getaway.... Then it occurred to me that the Bintan resort we'd stayed in previously had promised us a complimentary stay due to the complaint that I had made..... haha...so I went to enquire, and well, the offer still stands, so we'll be getting the suite for 2 nights, inclusive of breakfast and transfers to and from the ferry terminal, all for free! So all we'll have to pay for would be the ferry ride itself, which would amount to less than $100 for both of us. All we'd have to pay for would be our lunches and dinners there, which wouldn't be much either, and well, we'd be spending lesser than if we were staying in a Singapore hotel! =D

ah....much to do and bags still aren't packed..... i'd better get started on them again!

270th post

2008-11-17T13:01:00.003+08:00

I can't believe that this is already my 270th post. Ha....

Anywayz, I'm starting to be able to feel Baby's tiny movements in my tummy. Haha.......Baby's kicking quite a bit, and well, it feels like a muscle twitch more than a kick right now.... Everytime Darling talks/sings to baby, Baby will begin to kick a little while later. But sadly, Darling doesn't seem to feel it. I think he's too anxious... and because it's very slight, kinda like putting you head on someone's chest, and you feel the heart beat, yup, that's kinda how it feels like..... I thought maybe only I could feel it...but Monica proved me wrong yesterday coz she did feel it a couple of times! haha....

Other mummies are telling me the kicks will just get more and more frequent, and much harder once I reach the 6th month.....as of now, I'm still in my 5.5 month. I can't wait.... =D the only thing that keeps me worried though is the fact that I can't seem to eat my supplements at all. Whether it was folic acid, or fish oil (which helps brain development), I just end up puking it out and feeling horrible for a couple of days after. I can thus only hope that my diet is sufficient for baby to develop properly.

Heard another old wives' tale yesterday that I shouldn't be drinking fresh milk coz it gives Baby a lot of phelgm when Baby is born...... if it's true, it sucks....coz I'm ensuring I get sufficient calcium by drinking both soya milk and fresh milk daily...... I don't exactly wanna drink powdered milk..... sighz..... just wondering whether I ought to listen.... =(

feeling terribly tired today coz yesterday was a very very long day..... we're officially 10 days away from camp, and seriously, I'm still feeling worried. No doubt all programs are out....but something just don't seem right. Just hope that things work out during camp itself.

Just read Rabbit's post on criticism. I can't help but feel that the article she posted is really true, and makes me think about how comments are made by myself....... I do agree that it's hard to change my mindset on a person once he/she has disappointed me.....but I do like to think that I look more at the issue that is wrong, instead of the person......... Usually I can't even be bothered with the person unless he/she means something to me...and because I often get disappointed by the person's lack of doing what he/she is capable of, thus, it is this disappointment that makes me even more upset. Yet all I ask is that he/she rectifies the issue by proving me wrong.... and I'm often fine.......

But oh well, who am I to judge right? After all, I'm only human. Yet those who've worked long enough with me know how I am.....and that's usually the way I treat most pple....

Enough abt such depressing stuff already......

Darling's been quite pitiful these last couple of days. He has just started his part-time course in Sports Science....and considering the fact that he'd never taken Biology before in his life...... his first 2 modules are really killer material for him as it is Human Anatomy and Physiology. He's been at school for the last 4 days, thursday to Sunday...... and he often comes back drained and extremely overloaded with information.... doesn't help that he's on duty today again..... the poor child. He badly needs a break.... and i'm just hoping we can really relax tomorrow.....

bloated balloon

2008-11-10T13:34:00.003+08:00

Ah... home...finally.

i always love coming home after camp.......the feeling of cleanliness, the comfort of your own bed, and the quietness......

especially now, when i'm in this condition, cleanliness does make a lot of difference. =D darling and me came home yesterday, took our bath, unpacked, and well, we were concussed till 9.30....when we had no choice but to wake up, because our baby needed to eat. Ordered pizza in....and, well, we slowly ate, and after that, went back to bed.

wat a way to spend one's sunday....... haha...i have to really thank my little baby for behaving so well this entire weekend though.....not once did baby act up and make me feel miserable.....in fact, i've been eating so much! I just hope that during camp, baby will know what to do again.. =)

much as the evening was restful, yet, i was bugged down with being the middleman for the chang nian da hui between the senior curia president, and the pple we've assigned for the planning committee....... kinda irritated coz i'd already given her the number of my main ic...... ah wellz....i just hope they settle it soon so that my phone will be free for a little while....

anywayz, back to the pre-camp weekend.

i don't know man......we are...17 days away from camp? And boy, darling and myself are still not convinced that this camp will go perfectly. We've done a tonne of camps, and i'm really quite worried about this one..... right now, I'm just glad that nigel and angela have majorly changed in their work-approach this year..... and the 4 of us together have been through enough shit, and rectified enough failed-camps for me to feel a little more assured that we can rescue any warped program....... as for the rest of the committee.....i just have to say that a couple fo them have fallen far below expectation.....so far below that it shocks me......and the rest are just doing what we expected them to do..... yet, programs are still below par...... with 2 weeks to the camp, i just hope everything somehow falls into place....

hmmm...the whole week before that has been madness....i had assignments to complete and an exam to study for......it sure didn't help that baby really gave me hell the entire week...so much so that I couldn't bring myself to do anything. i think baby is like me......it hates and detests medicines of any form..... coz no matter what supplements i force myself to ingest due to doc's orders, i will end up feeling really ill and vomitting......it really sucks.....

but on a happier note, school is finally over for the year. i'm still trying to plan my vacation! sheesh.......

right now, i'm constantly feeling like an over-filled balloon....... and i know it's just gonna get worse....... baby was 317g as of 31st October..... which, in foetal terms, belongs to the medium - large range....... baby is extremely active each time we go to the doctor, constantly moving its arms and legs.... which really makes us laugh..... i wish we had pictures of the last visit, but because the visit was focused on measuring the different parts of the body, we didn't have any nice pictures...... ah well, the next visit is before camp....and already, darling can't wait! =D

sighz....many many things to do, and darling starts school this week.... just hoping he'll be able to cope with the extremely tight schedule.........

exhausted mummy

2008-10-29T16:25:00.002+08:00

I am utterly exhausted.

the last 6 days have been total craziness for me. for those of you who already know, Darling is down with a really bad viral fever. The first 2 days he was ill, his fever ranged between 39 - 40 deg C..... I nearly went mad sponging him down, taking his temp, giving him medicine, preparing food for him. I am only thankful that Baby didn't choose to act up during this period and gave me some peace of mind....... his fever only really started to go down on Monday, but even then, his "normal" body temperature was at a constant 38 deg..... and he didn't have much appetite, so it was a real headache thinking of what I could cook for him. Thank goodness after his 3rd jab and blood test yesterday, his fever finally decided to take a U-turn, and drop off for a little bit....luckily the blood test results for dengue came back negative, and doc says he's on the road to recovery. Am so thankful la.... sighz.....

Because of all the worry and sleepless nights, my body has suffered in its own way too.... am extremely listless and tired now, with not much appetite to eat. somehow, Baby's asking for attention, knowing that Daddy is getting better slowly........ was telling the doc that I'm worried Darling's illness will be caught by me, and that Baby will suffer. He was reassuring me that Baby will be safe and fine.

Friday is our next appointment with the gynae, and Darling's really hoping to get better so that he can see Baby....that's his only goal in life right now. =)

Humph..... the peak of assignment due dates are here....at a really wrong timing, and due to my tiredness, I'm at a total lack of inspiration for all of them....had planned to finish them and hand everything in by Tuesday this week, but because I was so exhausted from looking after Darling, I had no choice but to take an MC.......

The peak of camp planning is also now...... and am rather stressed out with the way things are going.........everything's not up to standards and there are still programs missing.....sighz...so so much to do.....i wonder how it's even possible that people are telling me to let go, and let others do the job....right now, that seems near impossible. thank goodness angela's starting to step up, and nigel has stepped in. somehow, darling, myself and the 2 of them have done enough camps together to know that 4 of us can run any camp if things really get dire......and that's comforting enough, at least for now. In my current condition, there's no way darling and me can do it alone, so........it does seem kinda daunting......

I need a break. Badly. Want to get away from it all....our trip to HK may be dampened, not only by money...but also cos angela's mum is super against my travelling coz of my pregnancy. I react in sheer puzzlement as I've seen tonnes of pregnant mummies go on their trip and return just fine. I wish there were many other places I could go to that were equally cheap if not cheaper...but it doesn't help that it's the monsoon season, and our neighbouring countries are all out of the question. I really wanna go overseas coz it's the last proper trip darling and me can go off as a couple........come next year, we'll have one (or maybe more in the future!) little one tagging along for the rest of our lives! Our next trip in sight is Europe, but that will have to wait till this little cow is about 3 or 4, old enough to appreciate stuff....... and so........ i'm really praying that we can go on this one.........

2008-10-12T00:29:00.002+08:00

ah.........why is the promise of freedom from morning sickness eluding me????

i'm still puking....i'm so not free from it...... this week, i've puked every other day.......and it's no longer food that comes out, but lots of water....... seriously, i feel like the merlion...... totally sucks......

i no longer find joy in food.....coz i get full after eating a little, and before my stomach is even filled, i can't eat no more, for fear that it comes back out.......and less than 2 hours later, i'm hungry again......

sighz...... are the bad days returning to haunt me??? i really hope not........

grandpa's made the decision of not going for the op....... my dad and me were giving him our two cents' worth of advice...... felt that there was no point in going for the op....i mean, just leave it in God's hands...... pray, and have faith....that's the best we can do when he's already so old.....why tempt fate??? after all, the op might only make things worse than they already are.....

hmmmm....rushing all my assignments out now..... it's the crux of the sem.....and, i hate the fact that i'm procrastinating so much to do my work...... based on the normal ol' me, i should have completed them already....but no...i'm still haunted daily by deadlines because i'm procrastinating and not doing them when i'm supposed to.....

darling and me just did a calculation on our finances...and we're so so so stretched. seriously. it worries the crap out of us.....and it doesn't help that expenses are going up with the monthly doctor's appointments, the parking and petrol for the car, the higher intake of food.....sheesh.... we're unable to save as much as before............ a cry of help to those who still owe us money..... we really need the cash asap......not for us...but for our little baby's savings fund.........

sighz...i'm tiring out really easily lately.......... only on thursday, darling and me went to sleep at 8pm, and we didn't wake up till the next morning. it was sheer madness. i don't even know why we were so tired. it scares me really how tired i can be....... i can't even seem to stand on my feet stationary for more than 10 mins......by then, i'd be feeling really dizzy.....

can't help but look at my fellow pregnant colleagues and wonder why they are so full of life. i wonder if it's just me and how my body is reacting to it....

ah well...... sorry for the depressing post......it's just my hormones and the fact that i'm feeling absolutely horrible after puking today away.......... darling's on duty again tomorrow....i totally dread the day already.........not sure if i'd be well enough to make it for curia on my own.... we'll just have to pray and see........

2008-10-07T11:33:00.002+08:00

It's been two weeks since my last post.

So many things happening.....have tonnes of assignments due, so I've been working like mad just to get them done.

Grandpa is also in hospital....originally for a super high fever that didn't seem to go down.... and after running tests and all, they have just detected a growth in his liver. I think the biopsy will be done today.....to see what kind of a growth it is. Decisions to be made about whether to remove it surgically or through medicine.

sigh....he's so worried about it.....i'm just praying for the best.....please keep him in your prayers.

hmmm...went for my last check-up to the doctor last week.....Baby is doing really well.....and is really really adorable...... when the doctor put the scope on my tummy, the first image we caught was of Baby yawning away...... that image is fixated in my memory...... and Baby is a super active baby...........it's now 9.5cm.... and is growing welll..... =)

The morning sickness is depleting in frequency...but I am still puking every now and then.....kinda sucky.....coz taking its place are super terrible tension headaches that seem to zap all energy out of me....i'm also having terrible nasal congestion...... but at least i'm keeping my food down more these days........I've put on my first 2 kg...haha.......hope the weight gain won't be extensive!!!! Right now, i'm still looking fat more than I'm looking pregnant...so my old clothes are definitely still very wearable! =)

so.....other than Baby, the last couple of weekends have been spent with family and friends.....celebrated 3 September babies' birthday on the 27th with steamboat and all......and we had lots of fun..... then....on sunday itself, it was my dad's birthday, and we went out for dinner.... had quite a good meal.... =)

on sunday ate at Pasta Fresca with Angela and Darling, coz I felt like pizza...and food was fabulous man..... totally love their food.....and the ambience...pics are with angela though...so i can't post them up....

caught a couple of movies too.....House Bunny with Angela and Darling....and Mamma Mia with Darling again......loved the latter......am so gonna buy the DVD and the soundtrack....I think it's lovely watching these older actors having so much fun acting their roles out, singing the songs with so much enthusiasm, and how the scriptwriters cleverly weave the story plot around the songs.....

hmmm.....super random post.....probably coz i'm wasting my time here in school.....4 hours break...ah......doesn't help that i'm not feeling up to my best today.......am only here because i've 2 graded assignments that have to be done in class today....

ah well...... next check up is due on 31st..... looking forward to it already!

darling's birthday

2008-09-19T22:47:00.004+08:00

today is my darling's birthday.

sigh....due to our fears of all the upcoming costs of babycare and all, plus my constant discomfort and need for food.. we decided not to do what we do each year....and instead, we just decided to go for a good dinner........

Darling's been craving for good pasta....so I thought of going to Prego...after all, it is quite well-known, and i've heard some good stuff about it........

we definitely were not disappointed......i'd expected a slightly upmarket place, but the atmosphere was rather casual....i'd attribute it to the location of being in a shopping centre, and the fact that it's linked to the hotel.......

service was superb, and the staff were very attentive, constantly checking if we were doing okay, and if the food was alright.....food was not bad, and for a place like that, i think the price was rather reasonable.....told them it was darling's birthday when i made the reservations, and he got a nice surprise when they presented him with the cake.....

Been a really really long time since we both indulged ourselves in good food, and i reminded him to splurge today, especially since it's his birthday..... it sure feels good to enjoy yummy scrumptious food.......thank god Baby kept it down!!! or it'd have been an absolute waste of money!!!

Enough talking though....the pics will be able to tell you much more!!!

Complimentary sourdough bread with tomato sauce......

Bruschetta..... Crispy yet soft bread with tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella and yummy parma ham!

Darling's carbonara......really nice....the bacon was flavourful, and the cheese flavour was sufficient. Really rich and creamy, and a portion that was just nice....

My Lamb Rack with rosemary scented potatoes and vegetables....not bad....lamb was done quite well......

My dessert...semifreddo.....can't remember what else it had....haha.... but the biscuit on top is really nice..... =)

Darling's Pear Flambe with chocolate ice-cream...... nice to have tableside service done for you in a restaurant!

Darling's complimentary birthday cake.... sponge with chocolate mousse, and a caramel topping

Had a really wonderful time today...been such a long time since we enjoyed ourselves so much..... this 2 weeks will be filled with dinner parties....since there are so many birthdays in september! My dad's birthday is next week...and we'll be bringing my parents out to eat tomorrow....and next week, my entire family will be celebrating my dad's birthday....... just hope that during these times, Baby will be good and keep my food down!!!

Next week is my recess week........wish I could take the time to rest...but there's many assignments to be done.... guess i'll push myself to complete as many as possible.... so that it'll be less taxing when i'm back to school.......