">

31st July 2005

it's just another lonely sunday evening after i sent my darling off to camp...sighz...i totally hate this feeling you know? everytime i say goodbye to him on sunday, i feel like i lost a part of myself all over again...whilst i know that this parting is only temporary, and that it's necessary for us to be able to fulfill our dreams of getting married as soon as possible, yet, i wish that the pain of saying goodbye didn't feel so raw every single weekend......on the other hand though, it just reminds me of how much i can't live without him, coz the minute i can get used to life without him, it means that i don't really need him in my life anymore.

anyway, i've finally completed my stint at Peperoni...the time there was fun and great, and i truly made some interesting friends. However, the time has come for me to face my worst nightmare. The area chef, Paul, has insisted that i go to Sebastien's, because they are shorthanded. Somehow i feel that my presence there only makes it possible for them to have more people to do the rubbish for them, coz of the way he throws me around to any kitchen that is short of pple...so yup. He insisted that there's nothing i could learn from the production kitchen, and thus, wants me to go to Sebastien's for 2 weeks, starting tmr, before going to Coq n Bull for another 2 weeks. I tell you, the feeling i got when i found that out was crazy. I felt so horrible, and he'd so totally spoilt my day and all.... sighz. I really dunnoe what to expect tmr, and although everyone's telling me that 2 weeks will pass very fast, i can't help but remember the ordeal i went through just one month ago.....and if it was so difficult to live past a day, i do not dare to imagine 2 weeks. I can only pray hard and hope for the very very best...

Anyway, on a lighter note, yup, on the day darling booked out, his parents came to fetch me with him....and we went for supper at a 24-hour coffeeshop at Macpherson...we had some dim-sum, and it was really good, and yup, we told his parents about our plans to settle down in another 3 years if everything goes according to planned. Whilst his mum didn't say anything, his dad had seemed a little bit shocked. i guess that whilst he'd expected us to settle down sooner or later, he hadn't expected us to have planned for it so soon. He did advise us that even if we did wanna settle down, we shouldn't give up the "paper chase" since paper qualifications are becoming and will continue to gain importance in the years to come. I frankly told him that studying can be done at any age...but to settle down and have children, that MUST be done as early as possible, because i'm a supporter of having children early since i don't wanna have a HUGE generation gap with them, and at the same time, i don't wanna have to continue worrying abt their studies and stuff even when i'm in my late 40s. By then, i'd truly wanna enjoy time with my darling....i feel that even after we've settled down and gotten our home and stuff, and are living quite comfortably, we could like have our kids, and at the same time, set aside some money, and maybe even do like part-time courses and stuff.....his parents totally agreed with me. =) so yup, since both sides of our parents have no objections and all, i guess it's all down to the financial stuff that we've to worry abt. I'm really praying he gets to OCS, so that our path may be smoother....on the other hand though, even if he gets to SISPEC, it may not be that bad after all. Sighz...we'll just leave everything to God and let Him decide for us. After all, we can only do our best, and pray hard, and let Him do everything else.... =) Seriously though, when it comes to finances, i'm only worried abt the house....the wedding can be simple and all, coz to me, all that's important is that my home is done up the way we want it, coz we'll be living in it for quite some time....and if possible, i'd love the church wedding to be done the wy we've dreamt of, coz we'd be getting married in the eyes of God, so if it could be as perfect as possible, that'd be great. The wedding dinner to darling and myself, is only a formality, so...even if it's simple, it's alright. But, if things don't go as we've planned, i guess, that the decor and stuff for both the church wedding and the dinner can be really simple, because, whilst the wedding may be a once in a lifetime thingy, in the end, it's purely because i wanna start a new life with my darling, and thus, all these don't really matter at all. The thought of being happily married with him, and starting a new family with him will make the memories for the life to come even better than if we postponed our wedding for the sake of making our wedding more beautiful. =)

yes, i know. i'm rambling...but if u knew me well enough, you'd know how much i've been dreaming of this whole thing....in fact, if not for the lack of time that darling and myself had today, we would be planning for the whole thing like today. seriously, i guess the only driving power within myself to work is the thought of being able to fulfill my dreams earlier....for the next 3 years at least, i know i'll turn into a workaholic, so that i can earn as much money as possible...hopefully darling's able to get a good paying job that's also stable so that i can fulfill my childhood dream of being a homemaker as well...i really wanna stay at home, clean up the house, look after the kids and prepare nice food for him and the children when they get home...but all that's in the future. All that matters is that we can achieve all that we're planning for ASAP.... if only fortune can fall upon us now....i'll so get married immediately.......hehe

anyway, enough about all that marriage talk. yesterday, darling, his parents, and myself went to catch the midnight screening of The Island. initially i didn't wanna watch it coz i was worried that the show would be a no-brainer...but, the whole synopsis that i read abt on the newspaper made it sound really interesting, so yup, decided to watch it yesterday, and it was really good....i think the story plot is so good. There's so much depth in it and all, and if u really read into the details, there's a lot of areas that has deeper meaning than what is presented. The whole thing about how the doctor views these clones as products, and the whole way that they are created, brings us to all the pro-abortion views and how the foetus has no soul and all.....the way they tried to destroy all the "spoilt products" due to the fact that the creation process allowed them to have memories that belonged to the humans they were created from was exactly the way the Nazis killed the Jews in WWII....the way the products were brainwashed to be like children of 15 year olds without any idea of sex, love, hate, anger, etc reminds me of how a government can make the entire country think the way they want them to, simply by enclosing them in a space, and controlling everything they've ever known and will ever know. there's so much more, but these 3 are the points taht intrigue me the most...i really find it a very good show, and the way it can be linked to the Gothic theme in Literature makes it a really good film for all Lit students to catch.... =)

anyway, i'm gonna go off now...it's been a really long post this time.....just another week without darling.....and he'll only be out on the following monday, since tuesday's national day and all..i just hope the week ahead will be far better than i've expected........


darling...hope our dreams will be fulfilled asap....i miss you so....come back quick, so that i can feel whole again...




26 July 2005

It's 3 more days till my darling comes home...sighz..these last few days has been so rainy and dreary, i'm like really worried about him...it really sucks not being able to hear from him coz i'm worrying myself sick...keep worrying that something bad might happen, and that i might not hear about it in time....sighz..i'm even more convince that i can't live without him now....yep, i know, i sound crazy, and like i'm exaggerating and all, but then again, it's true. That's the way i truly feel. It's funny know, i mean, here we are in this world, trying to make our lives more predictable, with all the advances in science and technology and all, but the irony is that, i feel our lives are even more fragile nowadays. People can just die now all coz of some bombing incident...look at those people who lived in the past, maybe our grandparents, for example. They lived simple lives, and whilst they may not have been leading lives like ours, but they sure had a longer span of life....oh well, i'm getting all theory-like again..... =)

Anyway, yup, was all alone on Saturday evening...and that truly sucked. My parents went to Malaysia for the weekend, coz it's like the 49th day of my grandmother's passing on or something, and they had to go over. Man...with my darling not around, and my parents away, add to that, my being sick, i tell you, it sure was hell..........i did have Russell over for the afternoon though....we were supposed to meet up for lunch and stuff, but then, we changed our plans, bought some food, and that had a good talk whilst eating and watching Mindhunters....quite a good show... but after he left, i felt so bloody lonely. Had wanted to go for my Sea Sports Annual Alumni gathering...but then, i hadn't been formally invited and all, and coz i wasn't feeling too well either, i ended up not going....heard that many people from my batch didn't go and all...quite sad.....wonder if because of my batch's poor turn-out this year, many might actually not bother to come when we organise it next year! Coz it's a rotation thingy on who organises, and usually, 4 batches after u graduate would be your turn to organize...so yup.... then, ya, coz i didn't go, i spent the entire night watching HBO and Star Movies...Thank God for those channels! I would otherwise have died of boredom or something.....then, i said my prayers...felt better after that... =)

It's really funny...i went to church on Sunday morning, coz i was on morning shift that day, and I felt so super alone and all, coz like i didn't have anyone I truly knew around me....and it's really weird, and i'm wondering how it's possible and all, coz i felt so absolutely alone physically, and i obviously was, but during mass, i connected with God on such a deep level, that i so totally felt his presence spiritually, and it's like, there was this immense peace i felt with him, that touched me in a very special way....it's indescribable, but, yup, i felt really really great. =) Praise the Lord!

Hmm...after my bout of sickness, i've decided that i'll so totally swear off antibiotics, especially the red and yellow capsule one......that capsule has given me so many problems before, i don't know why i even bothered to eat it this time round. i always end up getting tummy problems after i eat them..........man , i tell u, this bout of sickness was really really bad...friday night, i had a problem sleeping and all, coz i was aching in my knees, in my back, in my head, in my stomach......sighz.....but yup, i'm definitely better now, aside from my coughing and my runny nose....

My "girlfriends" from my kayaking team in JC is gonna come patronise my restaurant this friday...it's gonna be so exciting! hehe.....haven't seen them since like......i finished JC? it's crazy man......so yup, sure hope they have a good time, and it's gonna be great seeing them too... =) i'm so looking forward to this friday, coz darling's gonna come home, and i'm gonna be able to see my friends too!! oh ya, did i mention that I watched Herbie with darling? The car's so so so cute.....it just made me love the VW Beetle even more than ever...sighz...it's like the cutest, fattest, roundest, squashiest car in the entire world....love it so much....really hope darling and me can own one someday.....and ya, did i also say that my dearest brother Luke, kinda helped darling and me calculate approximately how much longer it'd take us to get our home as well as get married? hehe...he thinks that in 3 years' time, we should be able to fulfill our dreams....sighz...i srue hope so...i'm so dying to get married to darling...and i feel even more so coz our lives are like so unpredictable, and i badly want this dream of mine to be fulfilled before anything happens....in fact, if and when darling gets in OCS and he signs on, i guess we're really gonna sit down, and plan everything out properly already..........

hmmm...speaking abt this makes me miss him all the more....sighz...i guess i'd better stop, before i end up worrying abt him, and thinking abt him like crazy again........gonna be baking on friday morning before i go to work...just for him... =) okie then..gonna go take me shower now, and then i will pray before i go to sleep............

Absence sure makes the heart grow fonder, but inability to communicate during that absence sure makes my heart die faster!!




22nd July 2005

it's the day before my 31st month anniversary....yet, i won't be spending it with my darling this time...sighz..it's 9 days till he comes back home...and i'm missing him so terribly....after tomorrow night, i won't get to talk to him for another 7 days.....i really dunnoe how i'll survive that one week without any form of communication with him....i can barely live past a day without talking to him....he's like my only perk of the entire day......sighz......these days he's been so busy preparing for his field camp that he's usually calling me like way past lights out time....i so appreciate that... but that also means we talk for less than like 5 mins...so..sighz...but he's really thoughtful and all...knowing that i'm sick, he tries to call me whenever he can, hoping that he can perk my day up....such a sweetie-pie... =)

anyway, i got a really bad sore throat after monday night...was advised to go see the doc after i went to see Christina on tues afternoon...got a day's rest, and that night, i started getting those chills iin my bones and bodyaches...sighz...the next morning, i came down with a fever....never felt so lousy for so long already.....the sickness has been plaguing me until now...have no idea if i'll be well enough to go to work tomorrow morning.....on the one hand, i feel bad for not having been going to work for the last 3 days..but on the other, i feel really really lazy to go......sheesh.... am i evil or what?

anywayz, next week will be my last week at Peperoni, then i'll be with Paul Moo in Production....but it's still in Peperoni's kitchen......after that, i'll be going to Coq n Bull for a month, before going over to Cafe Les Amis then Canele....and then i'll be back for good at Canteen....

hmm.....dunnoe wat else to write...maybe it's coz i'm feeling so lousy and all.....will write again soon....after all, by the end of tomorrow, i won't be able to talk to my darling anymore..so..i guess, this will be my only other way of "communicating" with him, other than through my letters to him.....sighz....i miss him so so so badly.....can't wait for him to come home




18 July 2005

sighz..it's just another blue monday...Darling left yesterday...and i've got 2 weeks without him once more....what makes it worse is that he's not gonna be able to talk to me from the start of this saturday, coz he'd be away for field camp...sighz...i really have nothing to look forward to anymore...and it just makes all my days look more blue than ever....i just miss him so badly....the tears were threatening to fall out of my eyes when i said goodbye last night...why do goodbyes have to be said? Why can't i just say hello and not goodbye???

on a lighter note though, i went out for dinner with russell last night...kind of a celebratory dinner for his birthday. We went to billy bombers again. haha. i just love their milkshakes. Their food may not be good, but their milkshakes are truly unbeatable man.. haha....i tried their brownie too, and it wasn't bad either! We spent a lot of time catching up and all, and it's quite interesting to see how much we think in common! it's a wonder we aren't a couple..but then again, no matter how i look at it, i know we can only have a platonic friendship and nothing more...coz really, i don't think any other guy can suit me as well as my darling does...hehe

gonna meet up with him again this weekend...i need human company, or else i think i'll really go nuts... my parents will be going away to malaysia again..coz iths the 49th day since my granny's passing away, and it's customary that they be there....sighz...what a lonely weekend...

anyway, i discussed with my brother about all my marriage plans. and it seems that for me to get my home as well as my marriage together, it would take me an approximate 3 years. Whilst it may seem far away, but at least it's within the gauge of the plans that my darling and myself have set up. whilst i would love to get married like now, but planning is everything man...and it's such a big thingy...how could i not plan? Really hope my darling gets into OCS, then our plans would seem more likely to happen....gonna pray like crazy that it happens...after all, he's passed his IPPT already.....right now, just gonna get edmund to help him achieve a gold. It should not be that difficult for him......i'll just leave everything in God's hands and hope for the best!


darling...these 2 weeks without you will make my skies seem so grey...i really really hope you'll come home soon.....and put the sunshine back in my life once more...i miss you...




10 July 2005

just another sunday.....darling's away once again.....he's suffering from a super bad sore throat..the poor boy......took him to see a doc so that his tonsils won't get inflamed or something...and my mummy was kinda worried.....she cooked so much sugarcane and chestnut water for him that by the time he booked in just now, he really did feel a little better.....so sweet of her.....

had my first day off from peperoni today...sighz...i still can't open a pizza properly....it's always out of shape....so sickening..hehe.....darling came with eugene, his girlfriend, ian and angela to eat yesterday.....i think they enjoyed themselves...which is good....i took away one pizza for myself as well coz i didn't take my dinner last night.....the pizza is so lovely..hehe..such an indulgence.....

anyway, life here is indeed relaxing, and whilst i love everything about it here, somehow, i feel that Canteen is still better for me....mainly because it's more serious....i mean, coz Chef is more strict and demands more, i end up having to have higher expectations of myself, and do things more up to standard...here however, coz Frankie is more easy-going, and has high expectations only of himself, and not of his staff, coz i guess that to them, as long as the customer don't really complain, it's good enough. He has 10+ years of working in Italian restaurants in his pocket..so his pizza and pasta skills are really really wow...but coz he has so many under him now, he'd rather stay behind the scenes....so that he has lesser things to do.....and because he doesn't wanna be in the limelight and all, he doesn't ask much of them...so....in a way, whilst they have the freedom of doing things their style, standard is somehow compromised....but, their stuff is still good, just not as good as it oughta be..... here, i end up getting so lazy, and not bothered and stuff...so....i feel like i'm slacking and all.....but at Canteen, i'm given slightly more responsibilities, and Chef expects more from me too, so..i end up "giving" more, which is, in the long run, better for myself......

sighz...i miss my darling so much.......he says i've changed a little....*shrugs*......he feels that i'm more patient (which is good), but, however, less conscious of myself, which, of course isn't very good at times....but, he also feels that our viewpoints in life has "matured", and we are planning so much more for our future.....so, in that sense, we've "grown up" together..... =) he also says i'm more playful now....hehe.....i feel i'm more in control of my emotions...and i tend to think before i speak far more than i used to.....hmmm...he's going for field camp soon, and it starts on our 31st month anniversary...that so sucks coz my parents are going to malaysia on that same day....sheesh...it's gonna be another weekend alone...i guess i'm just lucky that my sea sports alumni is gonna be on that day, so the day won't be so hard to pass........but.......the week from that will surely be a killer coz darling can't call me at all........think we'll both die of starvation.....yes yes, i know i sound extreme...but that's the way things are for the both of us.....

oh well.....guess i'll sign off here.......russell's birthday is in 2 days.......must remember to wish him...hehe...just found out that my best friend nora is in australia.....and i had absolutely no idea! This is bad man........oh well.....will try to dig out for more details................hope my darling gets well soon.......miss him.......




7th July 2005

I've finally survived almost a week in Greenwood.....Man...i tell you, that place is so "ulu"...you wouldn't even know it exists unless you've been there before!! Yet, the people from there claim that all 3 outlets do almost 100plus covers each weekend!! It's further in from NJC and RGPS.....really really in.....and...the houses there are really to die for...now i know why the New Paper said that Bukit Timah is the richest housing estate in Singapore...you just have to look at the homes and you'll know why....

My first day at Sebastien's was SO horrible i almost cried on my way out...when HR told me that the culture would be different, i didn't expect it to be that way.......nobody spoke to me at all...and.....sighz...i really felt more of an intruder than anything else....but at Peperoni, it was so much more different...was transferred there coz they lack manpower....and now, i'm learning to make pizzas....hehe...it's really really fun, maybe coz i'm just learning, but...ya, it's hard work too......it almost feels like a chinese kitchen, coz everybody speaks in dialect, Cantonese...thank God i can understand....and Jay Chou's music is blasting from their radio the entire day!! (Same goes for Sebastien's) I think this people are seriously in love with his music or something.... Peperoni really gives you the feeling of a family-run business coz of the ambience and the layout and everything....and the sizes of the pizzas are crazy! the largest size is like 21-inches! and i heard that last week, some person ordered 180 pizzas for takeaway!! sheesh...business really seems to be booming here.....the amount of mise-en-place i do is enough to show me that.....but, it really is eye-opening......i love going on split-shifts here too....coz it's a shophouse and all, so we get proper beds to sleep on!! haha...that's the greatest.....

However, due to the amount of preparation they have to do all the time, and also coz they ALL work such long hours, and are so tired, their kitchens are all very dirty...not filthy, they just look very worn-out......and the size is also very very small....but it truly gives you the feel of a "house" kinda thing.....we even get to walk around in our chef's uniform......during service time...though of course, it's not very encouraged.........their pastas are good too....=) if not for the stupid distance, which takes me almost 2 hours.....i would consider peperoni as well...just the bus-ride on 67 takes me 1 and a half hours...of course, i could take the train and transfer, etc etc, but....why go through all that hassle when i can sleep on the bus for 45 mins, and wake up after a sound nap to find out that i'm still about 20 mins away from my destination? Unless i'm in a hurry, i'd definitely take the longer way out.... =) lazy old me....hehe...

This place is really quite fun, and they quite take care of me, like i'm their little sister and all..... so...yup....oh ya....the other best part is i get to schedule my own roster! haha...their afraid of tiring me out...so they let me choose my day off and all, and coz i really wanna spend time with my darling, told them to give me off on sunday, or else, morning shift.....the rest of the days, i leave it to them... =)

It's already thursday...yay.......i'll be seeing my darling soon...can't wait....miss him so much, especially coz of the long bus rides i keep taking..... then feel so lonely and all...sighz......wish he can just come back now.....we've made a decision about our future....that we'd save up as much as we can first, and once we have sufficient cash to lay downpayment for our dream house, we'll buy it....and after that, whilst we save and all, we'll simultaneously do renovations to the house whilst keeping money aside for the wedding and plan for it and all....this might result in us not being able to have as grand a wedding as we had dreamed off...but who cares?? What matters is that we get ourselves married to each other, whilst owning our house at the same time!! After all, that's the advice his granny gave to us....that it's better to own a house before getting married...that way, we won't be covered in so many debts.... =)

okie then....darling's gonna call me any minute now...so i'll write another time!! Hope i'll learn to make pizzas, peperoni style, by the time i leave!!!






3rd July 2005

Now sitting at home...waiting for my darling to call me back....it's already 10.20pm, 10 mins before his lights out at camp......sighz...really dunnoe why i'm so so so tired today......both darling and me felt so strengthless the entire day....didn't feel like doing anything at all except just lazing around....

Saw Asher today at my cousin Alex's 6th birthday gathering today....Asher is my little nephew.....and he's just oh so cute!!!! He's so playful at 6 months old, and he keeps laughing....sighz...i just love babies....can't wait to have one of my own!!! how i wish time could just fly by so that i can soon marry my darling....why do we always say that money is not important when all we need is money to do things sometimes? If not for money, i'd probably already be happily married by now.......

Just put down the phone with my darling.......sighz....i miss him so so much........tomorrow, i'm gonna be starting a new life at Sebastien's....i really don't know what to expect, and am in so much fear of what i might face there.....i really hope that i can fit in....

Now that my darling is "gone" again, i feeel such a deep sense of loss..........feel so stranded and so unsure of what i want to do.............at a loss for words.......anyway, that picture on top is of our 2 famous squashybabies....the blue one is the girl, and the yellow one the boy...... =) anyway, i'll sign off here.....think i'll go sleep....kinda early actually, but then again, i've to wake up super early tomorrow as i'm afraid i'll get lost on my way to work.....hope that i won't fall ill tomorrow....scared people might think lowly of me if i take an MC on my first day.......

darling, you mean so much to me that every moment i'm without you makes me feel as if i've lost a part of myself....





2nd July 2005

Finally, i'm able to include a photo of my much talked-about darling and myself........sighz...it's quite sad...we haven't been taking many photos together lately....and it's all coz our digital camera is spoilt......wish i could show you guys his "new" look though, coz he looks so cute...... hmmm....he'll be booking out tomorrow...can't wait to see him once more...... =)

So fast, it's already a month at the canteen......i really do kinda like it here, after all, not only are the working conditions not bad, i also get to see my friends from LA for as long as they stay there! Both the service staff and the kitchen team work really well, and it's truly like a family here......Everyone looks out for everyone, and well, i really dunnoe how to describe it..... Been stationed at the cold side lately, and i guess chef's trying to kill 2 birds with one stone...on the one hand, he wants to let me try out the cold side, and really see how i handle all the different orders coming in at once from both outlets, as well as let the new guy learn to stand on his own 2 feet, since i'm leaving tomorrow.....the new guy is actually alright lah....he's just slow, and kinda easily taken advantage of, coz he thinks very straight, and is not flexible at all....But, i believe that with time, he should be alright.....my chef and souschef are also very willing to teach him the ropes and all...whilst they may be fierce, but i feel that they're already being very patient with him......

sighz....today, i truly looked at my hands, and i really feel that they're deteriorating with time, all because of the field of work that i'm in...it's really quite sad lah......and though i'm proud of my work, i can't help but feel really inferior when i look at girls who can dress up, go partying, and cause guys to pay them more attention, just by standing around and looking pretty....this is especially since my bro's girlfriend always looks so good....often think back to my secondary schooldays when dressing up was a norm for me........now....sighz....i can't even be bothered to look good after such tiring days......but oh well, who cares what others think, when i have someone that loves me as much as my darling does?! =) After all, I am already planning to get married soon!! hahaha.........i do have to admit that i do envy these girls sometimes....but then again, i guess that the amount of love i'm getting from my darling is far more than enough!!!

oh well................a new life's gonna begin for me soon as i move to Sebastien's....it's SO far away....i just hope i fit in there....the HR has already told me that if i really can't fit in, and if it's really too far for me, i can still come back to the Canteen if i want to......but, i guess I just wanna take a look around, and experience the difference in all the outlets, even if i've got my mind set on coming back to the canteen...after all, this kinda experience comes only once, and i'll not only see a lot, but learn a lot as well...so...yup........will end off here....coz me got to go to work tomorrow still........

Darling...few more hours before you're out....can't wait to see you again!!