♥ Eternity

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Just caught the show Marley and Me....... had originally wanted to catch it because firstly, it's about dogs......and the trailer looked good too.... but then, the reviews in the new paper was quite bad....so, I was a little reluctant as to whether to watch it or not......

But then again, how bad can a movie about dogs be? So, Darling and me decided to catch it anyway........

We definitely were not disappointed at all......I guess, the movie was so much more meaningful to us because we could identify with the main characters of the show in so many ways....... starting a family, venturing on untrodden ground, the fear of having to give up our dreams for the family, the possible sleepless nights that awake us, and having our lives border on the brink of insanity because of the child....... it's things I've been thinking about and fearing all these while as Baby's due date inches nearer........ of course, Darling's dog is also aging...... she's 10 this year, which is really quite old in dog years....... so, I guess the fear of losing her is also present.......

All that just made the show so much more real...... and that's what made it so much more impactful on the both of us..........it's been an hour since the movie, and the both of us are still shaken by it....... I think we both spent the last 15 mins of the show tearing........something common for me, but really rare for darling.......

Although the show obviously paints a pretty picture of how the couple survived all the nonsense they had to go through whilst coping with the demands of a child...... yet, it just reminded the both of us that we need to be really patient with each other, and when things really do get bad.... we just need to take a short breather and clear our heads because exhaustion can get in the way of clear-headed thinking......... I guess we really have to remember the mantra taught to us during the EE, which is to be life-giving to one another, and to make decisions out of love for the other person..........

Sigh..........

Anyway, I had my first bout of 'practice' contractions today....or so I think.....I'm not really sure myself....I've read so so much about it..... but, not one person can tell me exactly how it feels like, so I'm not sure myself..... Darling was so worried that it was the real thing...... but, my heart just tells me it's not today....I think! But my tummy is truly feeling weird today....... and my back was hurting like mad last night....... Is it gonna get worse? I should think so...... I just hope I have the mental and physical capacity to go through it. Seriously, that's all I'm praying for right now...... I really hope I don't have to make use of any medical help to get through the pain that I'm anticipating..... I mean, so many women have survived it before us...... our bodies were designed for this natural act...... we shouldn't need any medical interference...... but, it's all easier said than done...... and I'm just praying for strength.....

A couple of things have occurred in Legion lately that makes the possible path ahead for this ministry I so love so much clearer....... Darling and me seem to be able to see where this is all heading........ apparently plans and steps have been taken in various directions to come where it is today....... but it's all speculation on our part..... though we may not be 100% sure, but it sure appears to be that way.... I dunno if it's the best way out for Legion....but then again, I'm only human...... and with our priorities on our family..... I guess we both just have to let go, and trust that the Lord will lead it in the right direction. Whatever it is, I believe that the both of us have done what we could in the last 3 years......... the road ahead for this ministry, though uncertain, yet I'm sure God will guide them through.........

4:58 PM

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Hmm...today's the beginning of Lent...... it seems so soon.... so, well, Darling and me woke up early to watch Champions League, then we went for the early Mass..... followed by our check-up at the doctor's, before we caught a movie at Cineleisure.......

Lately we've been rather caught up with the game Little Big Planet on PS3.... it's a super super cute game, and we're enthralled by the character's antics as he/she tries to explore the "planet"..... =D

Anywayz, i caught the second half of the Man Utd vs Inter Milan match...... for all the recent sports headlines about how wonderful Man U plays, sighz, I must say I was disappointed. InterMilan truly took my breath away with their skill and passing..... I hope Inter manages to beat Man U at home during the next leg.... but well, my focus is on Liverpool's game tonight... so it don't really matter....... =)

So yup.... Mass was normal, but super packed, considering it was at 6.30am......the pews were all filled up.... totally didn't expect that kinda attendance so early......

Check-up was alright....I've gained about 200g, making my total weight 72.6kg right now, and well, the weight gain was totally attributed to Baby..... who now weighs 2.6 kg..... we have yet another appointment next week, which is when we'll start taking note of Baby's heartbeat.......hmmm...i'm already 36wks and 5 days.....it's really less than 3 weeks away, though of course, despite all the talks about how Baby's full term is 40 weeks, it actually can last up to 42 weeks.........

Anywayz, main 'highlight' of the day was the movie we caught, "The Wrestler".... it isn't really advertised or promoted in any sense, and seriously, I didn't know about it, but Darling wanted to watch it, so I thought, why not? I don't really know what to say about the movie, in the sense of whether it was good or bad...... but i do think it's a movie that makes you think about life. I know I wouldn't have watched this movie if it were on HBO or something...... and my focus wouldn't be as strong...... but then again, it wouldn't warrant a full price of a movie ticket..... so I'm quite thankful we only paid $6....... the movie though was very much thought-provoking.....it's quite a sad and dark movie in terms of its main themes and thoughts..... about how real our life actually is. It's sad how famous ppl actually sometimes end up living in their past, unwilling to let go of what they once had, yet never really are able to get back that kinda fame...... and when they do lose it, are they able to settle back into reality, or do they end up not being able to face it, and thus run back into the shadows of the past they once had?

I mean, watching this show just helped me to really question the lives of wrestlers....it's sad that everything is staged, from their moves, to their cuts and injuries.... and how popular they get depends very much on crowd popularity....... even their bodies aren't exactly 'real', if you get what I mean.... with all the steroids and medication they take.... the kind of torture they put it all through, and how they may end up chasing the dream of 'fame' so far that they lose it all.... in the process, they don't even really earn that much, unless they're incredibly famous, and their career span is so super short.... that when they are 'forced' to retire, they don't really know what else to do with their lives.... and they either live in denial....or they move on to something they don't really enjoy either......

This man's career was juxtaposed with a stripper's life...... true, she degrades her body physically and morally.... but not once does she let that side of her life interfere with her personal or family life in any sense...... and when you compare her sense of bodily degradation to that of what the wrestler put himself through.......seriously, which is worse?

It really is food for thought.......

Anyway, on another note, many things have happened in our presidium in the last few days..... despite my promises to stay in Legion and all.... i guess that somehow, sometimes, things just aren't within our control...... and well, I can't help but feel that my commitments are changing together with the changes in my life..... I still trust that God has His plans..... and well, maybe we were just made to step in during the last 3 years to aid Legion through a transitional phase..... whatever the final outcome is, I just hope it's for the best...... as for my personal dealings with this ministry, well, we'll see how things move along after Baby arrives and I settle into my new demands as a mother and teacher........

9:10 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I've been ranting and raving about all my unhappiness and fears lately. If you think it's bad reading about it from my blog, you definitely wouldn't want to be in Darling's shoes. He gets the extreme from me. I can't help but wonder if I've let myself go into a mild form of depression, which is quite normal for pre and post pregnancy........ after all, I keep drifting in and out of mood swings, feeling alright at times, but at others, terribly down. I'm not even sure if it's all just psychological, and me just letting myself degenerate and deteriorate. I try so hard to put up a happy front when I'm around others..... but when I'm alone.... that's when things start hitting home.........thankfully though, Darling's really patient with me, and sweet about it all..... I'm just worried about whether this will get worse post-delivery.....

Bouts of puking have been occurring to me these last few days. I have no idea why. Maybe Baby's pressing on my stomach or something. But the backaches are truly quite horrible lately. Coupled with Baby's incessant kicking, it does get painful and unbearable. I'm also feeling terribly warm lately.... which is something really rare, if u know me..... these days, I perspire even in my sleep.... and perspiration is something that was almost alien to me before.... But, I'm trying to live with it......

I try hard not to look at the mirror, so that I escape from feeling terrible about myself... that's the only thing I can do to stop feeling miserable and lousy.

Yesterday, somehow, I felt God's presence during Mass.... He was trying to ease all my fears about the future, about the unknown......through the hymns we sang, and through the emotions that ran through my mind as I prayed. Most importantly, it was also in one of the articles in the Catholic News...... reading it just reaffirmed everything I believe in..... God's plans for us..... The faith of the mother is simply amazing, and I have utmost admiration for her and her courage.....

She has 1 daughter, who is now 8 years..... and she lost her second son to complications during surgery when he was just 45 days old.... her youngest daughter, 9 months old, is also now battling for her life........ yet.... she says this in the article.

"If not for my faith, I don't think I will be able to accept all of these. I feel clost to God. I know the road to His is filled with suffering and pain and never eay. Probaby He chose me because He thinks I can endure all these."

"Life is given by God after all. If God wants to give my baby a hole in her heart, I have to take it. I can't just throw my cross away. Whenever bad things happen, I thank God that I can grasp some good."

"Usually, these babies pass on because of complication and malfunctions. They will not enjoy quality life, but I always believe in miracles. I don't want to cast a verdict on her but just to cherish her everyday and thank God for another hour, another day. I know he will take care of us. A non-believer probably doesn't see God's hand in this experience. I choose to keep quiet and let hem see for themselves why I'm able to overcome myself. When people say I'm very strong, I tell them it's God who bestows courage on me before giving me this."

Despite all the pain, Mrs XX does not regret giving birth to her daughter. "She didn't choose to be born by me. She was handpicked by God and so was I, to conceive her. I feel so proud of ther that she's been through so much. I know God will take us through. With that in mind, whatever happens, I'll just take it and walk on."

Reading that article, I feel almost ungrateful to be complaining about all that I'm going through. It's simply nothing compared to what this mother is going through, yet, she's faithful and strong throughout it all...... and shouldn't that be just how it is for us? How often do we simply just lose faith in God because of difficulties and hiccups in life? As mentioned very aptly in Evan Almighty,
"When you pray for courage, does God give you courage, or does He give you opportunities to build courage?" It's something I so definitely need to keep in mind.....especially when the road gets tough.........

10:56 PM

Friday, February 20, 2009

Today is 20 Feb.

Baby is due on 20 March. I'm exactly a month away.

But I think Baby will be early.
Everyone seems to think so too.
Darling's grandma was just commenting yesterday on how my tummy is getting really low, which of course translates to the fact that Baby is indeed moving downwards.

It scares me, the thought of labour.
Darling keeps telling Baby to try to arrive only when he's home from work, and to give him warning signals..... but I wonder how true that will be.
Darling's going for duty today, and he'll be going again on 6 March.... I'm so full of fear that Baby will decide to arrive on days like that when he's not around.

Reading all the info I can abt labour and its pains really do frighten me.
I want as natural a delivery as possible, but I'm so worried that I can't endure through the pains.
I'm also worried about the healing process, and whether my body will change drastically after that.

Sighz....

I've been getting real melancholic these days.
Knowing that our carefree couple days are nearing its end, I sometimes wonder if we ought to have planned for this little one.....because I'm so reluctant to give up my freedom. Yet I know that God has His reasons for entrusting this little life into our care at this point of time.
Movies.
Dinners.
Getaways.
Long walks.
They all seem to be fading into the distance. I fear it's loss....I really do.
I want so much to spend what precious time I have left with Darling doing things we'll not be able to do soon enough (without worries, commitments and guilt on our minds).... but we have so many other things to do as well. It sure doesn't help that physically I'm no longer up to doing everything I used to be able to do.

I know I sound crazily depressed, which is something I shouldn't ought to be feeling at this point.
A part of me can't wait for Baby's arrival, to see the little one that I've been protecting, growing and nurturing for the last 9 months.
But the other part of me wishes it wasn't so soon.

I guess it just doesn't help that I don't feel entirely good about my own physical appearance right now. I keep feeling fat. And I fear that all the scars and marks I've accumulated over the last 9 months won't disappear after Baby is born, and that I'll be stuck with them for life. My love for short skirts...... do they have to disappear with the arrival of a child? I sincerely hope not.

I've always exuded self-confidence when it came to my dressing. I always wanna present my best self forward, to push away any nagging thoughts of lowness away....... But it ain't easy to do so anymore. It takes so much out of Darling to convince me that I still look alright....yet, I never am fully convinced.

Sighz.... I hate feeling all self-pitiful......

I have to admit that it's nice to be pregnant, coz when you walk on the streets, all the ladies who've been through pregnancy can't help but smile, and share their stories with you about babies..... everyone seems concerned about you, even if you've never met them before....... I love hearing about their experiences, sharing what I'm going through, and knowing that i'm not alone. But I guess that underneath all of it, I do detest the changes that my body is going through.

Come to think of it, Darling and myself have not had any pictures taken this year...... actually, not since I discovered I was pregnant...... other than the ones in Bintan and at camp, of course. Even then, we rarely had couple photos taken together.

We've been contemplating whether or not to take studio shots of my tummy..... and to compile them with Baby's newborn pics later on into an album...... but Darling's so worried that I'll hate the way I look in the photos, and as a result, further decrease my self-esteem.....

Of course, money's another factor.
And it won't help that I'll be on 3 months of unpaid leave.... the reason behind it? A long story....
Our disposable income is gonna decrease greatly, and i really do hope Baby will be healthy and not need any healthcare other than what is most basic...... there's still the insurance to think about, and so many other impending costs........

I do trust that God will bring us through it all..... yet I can't help but be human about these worries.......

Ah..... sorry this post is so gloomy...... once again, I guess i'm just ranting and raving away......

3:01 PM

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.

I read that quote in a Mummy's magazine yesterday, and I think it's very very true....especially since the most important part/component of a marriage is the communication. Without the communication, it's nothing. (And of course, i don't mean communication in the most literal of senses!)

Went for my doc check-up yesterday..... I'm now 72.4kg! But I'd expected worse....and well, it's only a 2.4kg weight gain from the last month... so it's not that bad la...... =) Baby now weighs 2.5kg..... a tad bit heavier than he/she ought to be, for that's the average weight of a 36week old foetus...and Baby is only 35 weeks and 3 days old....

I'm getting increasingly tired each day, and my back is seriously breaking from the added weight....doesn't help that I'm still having my stuffy nose and cough..... so sleeping each night is a real problem.......I just puked on my bed last night coz I was unwell...... and that was at like 1am..... sighz... was telling Darling that this is in prep for Baby's arrival!

Hmm...the check-ups are gonna be weekly from now on....because I'm about a month away from the estimated due date........ with every check-up there's gonna be monitoring of baby's heartbeat..... and well, that means extra cash to fork out...... it's so stressful coz we've already spent 600++ on buying all of Baby's necessities...... and there was more money to fork out yesterday as deposit for doctor's fees for delivery.... plus the investment in our videocam.... sheesh..... I truly truly feel broke. Just as we were planning to save more money this month, we ended up spending more...... this is truly eating into our savings.... sighz......and there's still baby insurance and savings to come! Boy oh boy.... I just hope we manage......

Anywayz.... school's finally out for me.....rushed all my assignments out on Sunday night till 3 am...so that I've nothing outstanding anymore and can focus my attention on the multitude of things to be done right now.....

We're still fretting about choosing a nice and suitable Chinese name for the Baby..... sheesh....it sure ain't easy....can't believe we actually bought a book titled "Choosing Auspicious Chinese Names". Super cheesy can? But we really have no idea, and we detest common names.... can't help that we often link a character of a person to his/her name..... ah well.....

Alright.... washing machine's beeping...more baby laundry to hang!

2:19 PM

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ah....my nose is killing me...... it's insane....i've had a blocked nose since last evening.... and my throat is absolutely sore...... coughing my lungs out coz of the phelgm, and mummy's terribly worried abt me... seeing as i'm gonna be seeing doctor on Monday though, I'm trying not to think too much...and just to drink more water...

Darling and me spent a quiet but sweet Valentine's today....... we woke up late... abt 11 plus...... soaked all of Baby's hand-me-downs before going out for brunch at Crystal Jade..... had dim sum and porridge....comfort food for the both of us, then we went to source a few more baby items before buying groceries for dinner and for the house......we spent $100+ on groceries...it's insane man....but oh well.... =)

came back and rested coz I was feeling terribly weak and tired... Darling washed Baby's clothes and did some housework in the process.... then at abt 6 plus, we started preparing dinner...or rather, Darling prepared, and I assisted him... hee....it's times like that where I have to be terribly life-giving.... much as the kitchen stuff is my forte, when he does offer to cook, I usually try to let him do things his way, whilst giving him a little advice here and there......cannot dampen his creativity and style..... after all, it's not only the theory behind the cooking, but also the feelings put into the food....and food cooked with love is always gonna taste fantastic... =D

We had potatoes, beef, salad, and extremely fantastic dessert - baked apples with lemon sorbet and vanilla ice-cream..... We didn't eat much today, but we sure enjoyed our food.... =)

Hmmm.... Baby has so many many clothes....did all the washing and folding, and well, there's still two more sets of things to be washed.....just hope all these would be done before Baby decides to arrive into this world!!!

sighz.....sometimes I can't help but wish we had our own place, so that we could have more privacy and freedom, especially on days like that where we wanna create surprises for each other....yet....well, I truly believe that God has better plans for us....just hope we can fulfill our dream of having our own place by the end of next year..... =)

Many assignments to complete.... plus tomorrow's gonna be an extremely long day since it's 49 days since Darling's granny passed away....... better get started on other stuff now!

12:03 AM

Friday, February 13, 2009

Haven't posted in 12 days..... the last few days have been hectic as it's the final dash before the semester ends, so assignments were piling up to the brim..... as of now, I still have 3 outstanding assignments to complete by Monday....

My mum was also warded in hospital over the weekend due to the presence of kidney stones...it's a real long story, but Saturday - Tuesday consisted of a mad rush to hospital in the midst of the night and staying there till the wee hours of the morning.......

I think all the lack of sleep has led to my falling ill.... am now suffering from a stuffy nose and really bad throat, which worries me because well, i'm 5 weeks away from my due date......

Baby's stuff are all pretty much ready for arrival.....and I'll be taking time to go wash all the linens, clothes and etc over the next few days... we still have the video camera left to buy, and i'm really hoping we'll manage to get that soon...... somehow, I have a feeling that Baby's gonna be early......

Walking's getting really difficult these days, and to lie down in position to sleep is also not easy.... Baby's getting quite big.... and I can't fit into all my t-shirts anymore..... as a result, I've worn Darling's shirt to school twice this week! It's craziness....... and over these two weeks, I've puked a couple of times too.....

Baby's really funny.......lately, I think due to the lack of space in my stomach for him/her, everytime there's pressure exerted on my stomach, i.e. from seatbelts, my leaning on tables, etc, Baby would react to the pressure by kicking or pushing against it, resulting in lots of pain on my part! Whilst it's painful, yet I'm super amused by it... =)

Hmmm...tomorrow's V-day......it's probably my last V-day that can be spent freely and without worries......kinda sad actually....usually Darling and myself don't attach much importance to the day itself, coz we feel that the day is over-hyped, and it's an expensive day...... we usually just have a quiet meal a couple of days before........ but this year, i guess there's just the silent awareness and understanding that next year and the years after are gonna be really different.... with Baby around, things ain't gonna be the same no more........ true, we could ask someone to babysit for us...but I guess that as a parent, you never ever do take your mind off your child..... so it's gonna be different.........

But oh well, I guess it's just part and parcel of the journey of life..... watched a tonne of movies lately...... Australia, Bride Wars, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Reader. Other than Bride Wars, which is your typical chick-flick with a hint of meaning behind the story.... the rest are really quite interesting and thought-provoking....my fav is still Australia and The Reader...... more because of the themes they carry within their story plot, which stays with you even after the movie........ I do feel that the latter did not need the full nudity scenes though....as it didn't enhance the story...... Felt that they could have done partial nudity instead, and rated the movie M18, making it more accessible to the public. It's really quite a good show. Australia touched on a whole lot of themes and was really very interesting even though the movie was immensely long..... i liked the show........ whilst Benjamin Button was nicely done and rather interesting..... yet, maybe there was too much hype around the show, causing me to not enjoy it as much as I would have otherwise.........

gonna go take a rest now..... the blocked nose is really getting to me........ hope it clears so darling and myself can enjoy our v-day tmr.....

9:23 PM

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Heard this sermon during today's Mass...and I find it absolutely meaningful......

Power vs. Authority

We all have the power to make our own decisions, our own choices. Every single one of us, even a child.

But, do we make it with the right kind of authority? Do we make these decisions stemming from God's authority and what we know to be His will, or do we make it based on our own thoughts, our will, influence from others and hearsay?

Do we make decisions after having prayed about it, and thought through about it, with sureness that this is what God would want for us? Or do we make it out of OUR own will? If your decision is made out of God's authority, the consequences would be compassion and love, even if it is the decision to sack someone.

As parents making decisions for their children, are these same decisions of which school to go to, what to do, etc made out of God's authority, or out of your own selfish authority as a parent?

Think about it....

God gave us all the power to make our own decisions.... why not exercise this power with the right kind of authority - God's authority....

"Listen today to God's voice, harden not your hearts.
Today, we hear the voice of our God."

2:32 PM