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with the Santa of Bintan... quite modern ya?? =p






27th December 2006

Am back in Singapore.......the trip had been a good one...sadly though, it was raining throughout, so we didn't get to go to the beach at all. But, I would definitely say that God had been watching over us throughout the whole trip, for He blessed us with a driver who accomodated to almost all of our needs by transporting us to the outlying areas despite the bad weather, bringing us to places that we would not have gone to otherwise.....and on our first night there, we were really blessed to be able to get a room at Bintan Lodge, otherwise, we would have died of cold in the pouring rain......Nigel was a wonderful travelling companion....we didn't realise that he was so street smart, and could actually speak quite fluent basic Malay! Without him, I really don't know how we would have communicated with our driver, as well as with the other people on the island!

Travelling to all the outlying areas, we managed to see how the people really really lived over there...and i tell you, the currency is SO confusing!! Not so much the exchange rate, but because the Rupiah is SOOO small compared to the Singapore dollar, it made calculation so much more difficult....just take for instance, S$1 = 5,980RP!! so when we bought things, it was really in the tens and hundreds of thousands......without a calculator, it would be quite hard to figure out the actual price in Singapore dollars. Luckily, they accept the Singapore dollar quite widely there coz the whole resort area is actually Singapore-owned.......but anywayz, not to digress, we really felt like we were in Singapore back in the sixties...when everything was super laid back, and really kampung style and all......quite a nice place actually.....

The suite at Nirwana Resort was not bad...but it was far more suited for couples.....esp those on honeymoon....the toilet was the size of my room!! and the toilet and shower each had its own cubicles, with a door that had no lock! and the bathtub was humongous.....too bad, we didn't get to soak in it coz we were rushing to go to so many places...and also purely coz there was no lock on the toilet, as well as a designed hole in the door!! so right for couples, but so wrong for friends..haha.....

Though the bad weather caused the ride there to be super choppy to the point where Angela and me puked....coz of the turbulence and all, but I believe that had it not been for the bad weather, we would not have been able to experience all that we did........going to all the places that we had gone to......we even went to a spa today before we left...the girls going for a massage, whilst the males went for a body scrub....it was cheap..and not bad.... =)

So yup...really wonderful experience....Angela's already talking non-stop about where we are headed to for our next trip!! haha......shall see....maybe will ask them along on my honeymoon with Darling next year!! After all, most of the time, its far more fun to go out in a group than as a couple, also, we can take photos more easily.......so we shall see......will most likely go to either Tioman, Phuket, Bali or Thailand........those are nice seaside places...but ater this experience, will definitely not go during the December period anymore!!! enough of rain!!! =)




24th December 2006

is red a christmas colour?? I should think so.....hmm..i just got up from my nap......and will be going for christmas eve mass soon......had dinner with angela just now at crystal jade, and we bought titbits for bintan.....

anyway, to those who are concerned about me after reading my entry 2 pieces ago, thanks for asking me how i am....and don't worry, i'm pretty much alright....it's just me and my mood swings.... =)

so yup..how was my anniversary? well, it was alright, and after much debating with darling, we realise that pan pacific, though nice, with good service and all, we may not return.... in fact, darling and me are super tired now coz the pillow there sucks.....maybe coz we're used to harder pillows, but theirs was like so so so soft that it gave me a neckache even though i was just resting on it watching tv!!! breakfast there was okay..... and ya....we went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner...it's not bad.....price was slightly above average, but otherwise okay.......the food was good, and we enjoyed the whole feel of everything..... =)

hmmm.......my room's in a mess....unpacking, and packing for tomorrow....seriously, i can't wait!! man, it's gonna be like my first trip with darling on our own (cos the rest was all with my family) and also the first real trip with my group of real close friends...i just hope that god watches over us and lets the skies clear for the next couple of days or so.....then at least we could have some fun on the beach and all....

oh ya......been eating what's probably my most expensive gift thus far......a 24pc Godiva chocolate box from Nigel and Sheena.....thanks, both of u, and Nigel, until now, I still don't understand why you got chocolates for us, but anywayz, thanks for going to that expense.

So yup....after eating, and comparing them to Canele chocolates, Godiva's chocolates have failed mine and darling's taste......we ate like 7-8 pieces together...and there was abolutely NO difference between the different pralines...they all tasted the same...quite disappointing actually, for a brand like Godiva....and the price that people pay for it.....granted, their packaging is like classy and all...but...they all look machinemade, and the taste is just so-so...on the other hand...Canele's packaging is alright...the chocolates are ALL handmade, and each praline tastes absolutely different from the other......sorry if it sounds like i'm promoting my ex-company's chocolates...but they really are good.......and the tastes, though may be hard to imagine, and some may not like it...but they're all exotic...and different......Nigel and Sheena, we do like the present...please don't think otherwise...it's just that being in my line, i guess i'm just more critical of food....... =)

so...yup...i think i better go pack my bag for tomorrow....and...after that, shall go for mass already....shall take many many nice photos for tonight and the trip...then post it up again!! till then, Merry Christmas everybody....and on this festive season, let's take a moment to remember why Christmas came about, and glorify Jesus for what He's worth, and all that He's done......and also to remember those who are in need and are unable to celebrate in joy with the rest of us.........




the males...






23rd December 2006 0100hrs

Yay....it's my 4th year anniversary today........i know it'll be a beautiful day ahead, and I simply can't wait......though darling and myself haven't planned what to do, but i think that that's what makes it beautiful...coz sometimes it just sucks when you have something to do next...and it's like you're on a schedule? though I love being organized and all, but it's good to be aimless once in awhile.... =)

so sorry...though i said i wanted to post pics of the gifts, but I really didn't have a chance to take photos of them....been working at them for so long and until so late....only finished my friends' presents at 4am last night after staying up for 3 nights to complete them in time for today......plus darling's gift, and the video i made for today's party (which couldn't burn at all for god knows what reason!!!!!)....sighz...anywayz...the party went well, and the food was almost finished.....maybe they didn't really fill the guests up..but i guess it was just nice...at least i have no leftovers...haha...i guess if the video could burn properly onto the disc, it would have been better....feel that it's so wasted coz it's really very nice..and so much time was spent on it......but oh well......

hmm....although i'm supposed to be really really really happy now coz it's my anniversary and all, i'm actually feeling very very down.........in fact, i just cried.....it's not coz of darling.....definitely not.....though he didn't get anything for me for our anniversary, but i know it's absolutely coz he had no time alone to source anything out.....in fact, if i hadn't stopped working, i believe i wouldn't have the time to do something like what i did either....... anyway, not to digress, i'm more upset because i'm feeling very unappreciated....

why? you may ask.....why the sudden feeling of unappreciation? it's pretty much coz of some friends of mine....i dunno....it's after today that i really think about the saying, "familiarity breeds contempt"......i wonder how true it is....and maybe it is true to some extent....

today, when i gave the gifts to them (the very gifts that darling and myself had spent so much time and sleepless nights on), it's funny how the ones we really care about didn't seem to think much about it....but the others who, well, are close to us, but yet not extremely close, are the ones who really appreciated the effort we had put in........(not to keep u wondering, we sewed a cushion for them, with their names cross-stitched onto it.......and darling stuffed the cushion for me and stitched it up......so, it was a joint effort gift from us).....it may have been a simple gift, but every process was painstakingly done.....and sewn with love and much thought about the person we were doing it for.......in other words, it's a priceless gift.....and...somehow, when you give a gift like that, i guess you hope the receiver would appreciate it.........but.....sad to say, i was relatively disappointed by a few......(i won't say names, coz it's no point)....whose reaction really hurt me bad......esp after i see the joy on their faces when they receive gifts from others that may either have taken similar effort, or may just be a store-bought gift.......i felt as if our present, which seemed priceless to me, suddenly became one that was worthless....and stabs of pain just shot through my heart......for it was these few whom darling and me really thought about, and really cared about....enough so that we went on to buy something special for each of them....but.....sighz......i shan't say more.....(i know i shouldn't post this online, but i really need an outlet, coz i'm affected really badly.......)

I guess it don't help either that the gifts that darling and/or me received from those we are close to, yet not that close, are the gifts that we really really appreciate...coz they really thought about whether we would like it, whether it suited us, or whether it would mean something more to us. but...the same pple i speak of....sighz......they disappointed me once again.... there was totally no meaning to the gifts.....it seemed more like a necessity to buy than anything else.....and....i really don't know........i don't know why i'm feeling like that........it's not like i even expected anything in the first place.....to me, the cost nor the wrapping matters...what mattered more was the thought put into it....i always feel that presents bought just for the sake of buying are a waste of the giver's money and time, and the receiver will probably not know what to do with it at all.......

i know i shouldn't speak of my gifts so openly...but i guess when it's pple that are that close to you.....sighz................

of course, it's not only coz of the whole gift thingy that i'm upset about......it's also about the saying i mentioned earlier....somehow, i feel that when u're so close, u no longer see the need to thank them, or to show them appreciation......

after all the time i'd spent on the food today.....it just sucked that no one actually really commented on the food.....maybe it's coz pple assume i'd know it's good....but......i dunno.....much as i seem to be the one in control, the one who's really sturdy and strong...and also confident and self-assured, i'm actually not...... i constantly need reassurance, coz i've absolutely no faith in myself at all. sometimes i find it hard to believe in myself...but....that's never the side i show....especially to my Legion friends...maybe it's coz of my position, maybe it's coz i'm the oldest amongst my whole clique..maybe it's coz they all look up to me as their big sister......but.....i guess that sometimes, i'm still human....i still need love, i still need reassurance, i still need to be reminded of my worth.......

ho-hum.....i dunno anything anymore....i dunno why i'm brooding on this issue...i dunno why i'm so down...especially when it's a special day....right now, i just need my darling beside me.....coz it seems as if it's only him who knows the real me....the me that constantly needs love and cushioning from the outside world......and it's also him who will willingly coddle my needs, protect me from my fears...and make me feel that i'm worth it after all.......that's why i thank God for giving me someone as wonderful as him......without darling...i really dunno who i'd be able to turn to when i need to be the weak little girl that's hiding inside..............i wonder why i'm this lucky, to have a gift like him.....for without him, i'd be nothing...




December 20th 2006

We're 5 days away from christmas!! goodness....i can't believe it.....am currently very overwhelmed coz I've like a tonne of things to do....my schedule is so packed...all the way to the end of the first week in 2007!! it's crazy man...... after I finish writing, i've got to go start baking the cake for friday's party, as well as darling and my family gatherings on christmas day......and i've also got to prepare some of the stuff for friday's food!! I've still got presents I haven't bought, and presents i've not finished doing....... sorry i'm like ranting on and on..... the thoughts in my brain are just moving in that direction!! =) haha....

3 days to my 4th year anniversary.....i can't wait...it's gonna be a good day, and a good break from all this hectic nonsense i'm doing......provided i finish darling's other gift in time....haha...i just decided to do another gift for him...i just hope that i finish it in time....coz i've also got the video for the party to complete.....

Many think i'm crazy coz i've got all the food to cook for this friday's party....of course, i've also got the food for the year-end party i'm doing to prepare for....i suddenly feel like a caterer!! haha..i know i'm far from it...but....it's just sickening sometimes with so much to do, and yet not have the right equipment.... these are times when i wish i've got my own house and my own kitchen with all my beloved equipment....then...i'll really cook and bake and go crazy in my own world..haha...i guess i can probably say that my future home kitchen would be one of my sanctuaries as well!! it's funny how when i'm stressed, i'd prefer to bake and sew......of course, i could sleep too..but in a way, it's less productive i guess....haha......

kk.....i really have to go or i'll never finish my stuff!!! when christmas is drawing nearer, i'll take pics of the gifts i'm making for my dearest of friends.... as well as the pic of the gifts for darling then post it up!! =)







18th December 2006

My fourth year anniversary is in 5 days...... =) doing my present for my darling..can't say what it is for fear that he'll read my blog before the 23rd!! so..i'll take pics of it and post it.......along the way....am thinking of love.. and its beauty..and found many many nice quotes that i think best describe love...and how true it actually is....... these are words, i guess i wish everyone would want to live by.......u can see more at www.symphonyoflove.net ....will write more later!!

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.-- Anais Nin

It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not.-- Andre Gide

The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident.-- Sir Hugh Walpoe

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.-- Mae West

Love isn't just for the smart of talented, but for all the animals God created.-- Sarah Wonders

To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person.-- Erich Fromm

Love is a sign from the heavens that you are here for a reason.-- J. Ghetto

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.-- Thomas Merton

It's so funny how we set qualifications for the right person to love, while at the back of our minds we know that the person we truly love will always be an exception.-- Unknown




December 15th 2006

Hmm...sorry I haven't written for like so many days...Been really busy lately...Work was getting really busy...we rushed out like 675 3-tier cakes for Capitaland.....and many many hampers...sighz...was really going crazy...and i now think that all the lack of sleep from camp (which i haven't recovered from!!) as well as all the workload is actually getting to me.....these 2 days i keep feeling really really cold, and my headaches are getting real bad......sighz...just hope it's nothing bad.....

Anyway...ya, I got into Opera Estate Primary School....gonna be a Primary 1 form teacher, and will be teaching mostly English and PE....sighz....i think it will be fun...yet...i fear the task coz i'm not sure how easy or difficult it will be....I don't know what to expect....and there are so many unknowns.....However, I believe that God has a reason for putting me where I am, and i guess i'll just keep praying and trust in Him...He probably means for me to actually learn something through this whole process....so...I shall just do my part... =)

So, ya, Darling and myself ended up not going to Vivocity that day...coz we took too long to get out of bed!! hahaha......then...we just went to Centrepoint, to the new outlet from Canele, just to take a look...think it's really out of place and really really small.....but anywayz, we scouted out a couple of really nice shops there...but I don't think I would go back on purpose...If I was just passing by, then maybe....coz....there's really nothing much.......Then after that, we went to PS....got the things i needed to do the presents for our closer friends......and we had to rush home... on Tuesday, we went to TM to get presents for Nigel and Angela.....sighz..still looking for the gift for Winson.....still cracking our heads!!! We managed to get a book for Baby Ethan as well.....as for the rest of our family members....sighz...it's still in the process!! haha...

Btw.....brought my mum and dad to catch The Nativity...it's really quite a good show actually.....showed the human side of Mary and Joseph....and it made the whole story so much more meaningful...really strengthened my faith as well as make me realise how strong the faith of Mary and Joseph are.......it's not as cliched as we would think it is...and it tells the story in greater detail than the bible does.......really liked it, and i'd really recommend others to go watch... what's more, there are no big stars in the show, which makes the movie even more amazing, coz the actors/actresses really did quite well.......

okay then...i have to go eat my dinner, and then prepare for our camp evaluation mtg which will commence in 20 mins time........so..shall try to write again asap!!!




10 December, 2006

today, we went for Curia meeting. It was eventful. but not good. i wasn't happy there. Many things happened. I got uplifted at first...then...i got disappointed...very very disappointed... by a person i had so much faith in......it was very upsetting. Nigel said words that really hurt me. He said words that would affect the discipline of everyone else. He disrespected us, his officers...and worst of all, he disrespected God. And i was very very disappointed. Darling wondered if he was too harsh when he dealt with the issue. I wondered if I had gone too far with my silent treatment. But as Darling and i discussed everything just now... i guess we did what was right. Whilst we were unhappy that only 3 presaediums turned up for meeting, i'm glad there weren't more....coz it would only make things worse.

I don't know what caused nigel to say the things he did...to question what need there was in prayer...when his meetings and filled with fun and liveliness......but....there's a lot of wrong in that....without spiritual depth, we are all like plants in a drought....we have no food..nothing at all. That spiritual depth is what makes us who we are. It is what makes Legion special. We have fun....but we have a very close relation to Mary, to God, for we are their army, and we make it stronger through our spiritual life with them. How can you be something that you do not even believe in? If it were all about fun, then why do we even bother to have meetings? Why do we bother to do all these boring things? We might as well just meet up everyday.. have fun..and go back to lead our own lives??

Sighz........it hurt me even more because I had so much faith in him... I see potential in him...I know how far he can go.... but what he said...just caused me to fall back to ground...to realise that maybe..just maybe...no one else is ready... maybe God just wanted to remind us that our road ahead as Curia officers will definitely be rocky, and the road will be long....for our people are not ready as yet......and in telling us now, He wants to prepare us for the future.......

Oh well.....anyway, i addressed the issue with Nigel later on....and...he apologised for acting the way he did....the issue is resolved. But that's only between us humans.....due to the close-knitted bond we have, i know that I would forgive him...and after a while, i'd probably forget abt this issue.....but....he has to resolve what happened today with God....ultimately... all things will have to be resolved with Him.....and we can't just regret....we have to do something abt it.....

Hmmm...tmr's gonna be a good day. Darling and me are off. YAY! we'll be going to settle some stuff, and then probably pop over to Vivocity...haven't been there yet...feel so outdated already!! haha.....will try to source for ideas for christmas presents!! so stressful...... hehe....let's just hope our shopping trip is fruitful tmr!!!

this is an interesting colour. i like it..but it still can't beat the happy feelings i feel when i see my blue and yellow colours.. hehe. happy happy evening with my darling....for the first time in forever, we just spent time walking around and around...not knowing what we are doing... not knowing where we're going...but just walking... enjoying each other's company... looking at things we wanna see...not caring abt the time, not caring what's gonna happen next....u know, it's so beautiful to have days like that.... i miss them so much....and we both just fell in love all over again.....i'm smiling as i'm writing this coz...it just reminds me how beautiful love can be...how lucky i really am to have someone who loves me this much next to me..... =)




December 9th 2006

talking to my darling just now, over MSN, we've finally solved our problem..at least, theoretically.... =) i voiced my fears to him..my worries that things would never be the same again....as well as everything i mentioned in my previous post.....and in discussing that, we realised something very crucial.....

ultimately.. we're feeling the way we do not only because of assumption and the fact that we've gotten so used to the way things are.....but also very largely because, we have lost ourselves in each other. We love each other so much that we want so badly to fulfill all the needs of the other party, and to us, spending time together seems to be the best way we can fulfill each other's wants and needs....whilst that is true, but sadly, in the process, we ended up losing ourselves.. because we compromised too much of ourselves...we gave up other things we needed, and we ended up adopting so much of each other's habits and character that at the end of the day, we lost ourselves..and we became confused and unsure of who we really were inside.....and in that process, we ended up wanting more out of the other party, expecting them to give us the assurance that we needed....but... of course, how could we give that assurance to each other when we didn't feel it ourselves...so...it became a vicious cycle...and we just got more and more dissatisfied...leading us to where we were...... also...due to the lack of time we had on our own, we had less time to do special things for one another to show how much we really appreciate each other.....even in our month-saries, we no longer gave gifts....instead, we just wished each other, and just had a meal together......we no longer had the chance to do special things..... and indirectly, we ended up feeling unappreciated...

so now...after discussing all of these, we've decided that once a week, we need to take time off..to discover ourselves, to make us miss each other more...and to find ideas and things to do to surprise each other......and also to spend time with our own families and do what we need to do. hmmm...sounds good....i just hope it all works out in the end...... =)

anywayz, ian, angela and myself are now planning our curia legion christmas gathering....everything sounds great and fun...and i just hope everything will go fine..... =) hmm..it's really late.......really need to go sleep.....can't wait for my darling to come back home..... !!




December 9th 2006

green green green...i don't know what mood i'm in..so i'm just using green. yup..photos from the camp are uploaded....couldn't' get them up the last couple of days..i've no idea why...anywayz, yup.. me still feeling quite lost. I really dunno where I am or what I'm doing...my mind's still feeling very very confused. This is bad....I wonder if things between me and darling will work out...i hope they will...i guess it is true...when u spend too much time together, u end up assuming that you already know what the other person wants....and that's when all the trouble starts...i guess that's what happens to most of the older married couples we see...like my parents, for instance, and we wonder why they quarrel over such small things, why they never do talk things out.....now...when i'm going through the same crap, i understand why...it's all coz we assume far too much. We forget that everyone's needs changes...that our wants changes too...and whilst we demand for more, we forget that our partners need more too... and in the process, we drift apart from one another....and...then...we ask ourselves why things like that happen...as long as we don't talk about it, and try to solve things...it will only get worse..and..sadly enough, though the love is still there...very much there, the dissatisfaction covers everything else up.

hmmm..in a nutshell, that's what's happening to darling and me....we are both assuming we know what the other party wants, yet we ourselves, on the other hand, are actually changing our own wants and needs, and expect the other person to still know what we want....This is especially so since the camp, coz we've both gone through a difficult time in this period on our own, and we each felt the other person wasn't there in the way we wanted them to be. Despite addressing the issue, we did not realise the fault lay within ourselves...maybe we did...but we still focused more on how our own needs were not met....and things just got worse.... we stopped thinking about the other person and more about our own self. Individualism... Though we continued to give to the other person, but it was in the way we assumed they wanted it to be... and not think abt if it was actually what they wanted.... and at the end of the day, we felt like we had been giving all this while, yet not receiving at all....and that led to 2 dissatisfied individuals who loved each other very much, yet was not fulfilling the other party's needs and wants....

sighz...i just hope that upon the both of us realising this problem, we will both strive to make it better.......or dissatisfaction will just kill everything between us...the way it seems in every long-term married couple.... =(

I find that i really think much much better when i'm alone....and jotting all the thoughts going through my head as i'm writing them....i tend to be able to sort out everything...all the jumbled up mess up there......this is truly when i'm in my own zone... this is my way of letting it all out...though i whine to my friends and all....but i guess it's never really my true thoughts coz i've not yet sorted them out, or thought abt them properly.... after coming in here...then it's when i'll find God, find my sanctuary, and let Him heal me......

He has done wonders....seriously....and how He's made His presence felt in my life is truly amazing. Not once has He let me down in camp.....He's blessed the wonderful weather....even though He continuously tested our faith...I still remember how it was threatening to rain just before our games......and right till the very last minute before we started, it was actually drizzling........many faltered...and questioned whether it was viable to continue the program...but..as we had just said the Rosary that day (refer to photo!!), I truly had faith that Mother Mary would intercede for us......i believed in it.....and she never failed me...the skies cleared the moment we started the game..and it was SO SO hot!!!! It was really a blessing.... and it proved to me..and all of us that God just wanted to test us......to see how much we really entrusted our lives into His care....even the Rosary was beautiful......coz all my campers shared... all of them felt everything...whether good or bad, and i believe many of them were touched.... The Holy Spirit was constantly in all of my spiritual programs.... and though Darling felt that we, as YGZ did not work together as a team, in the sense that we failed to support each other in ways we should have, and continuously thought only of our own group's programs, the Lord helped once more, in the way that the campers themselves managed to enjoy the full camp, and learn something as they left it, hopefully helping us fulfill our goal in making them realise that Legion could be their Sanctuary....

what darling felt is something the YGZ need to address and mend.....coz that in a way, is a failure.....but on the whole, from a campers' point of view, i'd say that it was a success because of the beauty of God's presence seen in everything, and how many of them walked away bringing something that they'd learnt along with them. Hopefully we'd touched them enough to make them more devoted to being a Legionary........ As for the YGZ, this problem will have to be addressed so that we can each become better leaders in future activities...... coz we all need to think of each other........


Hmm...i feel a teeny weeny bit better now that i got all of my thoughts out.....i think i was very messed up inside....all my thoughts jumbled up and all...and being the organized person i think i am, i really needed to pull all of them out and put them in their right places ttogether with my emotions.... =)

4 more days of work before i take my much-needed break before i start my contract teaching next year.......i really can't wait....coz there's so many things i really wanna do in this short period.....what's more, my 4th year anniversary with darling is coming up....not to mention Christmas, our bintan trip, as well as the year-end gathering that i'll be organizing.....there's of course, also the Curia activities that we need to start planning for if we wanna keep the flames of all our soldiers up!!! the road ahead seems daunting.....and i'm filled with apprehension since i'm starting on a whole new path next year.....but i have faith that the Lord has made His plans for me and that He will guide me in the right path, leading me in the way that He wants me to follow.......









8th December 2006

I'm feeling very very very lost today. I have no idea why...i feel like in the whole process of my life from camp until now, I really don't know who i am anymore........ darling and me have had 2 fights...yesterday and today....i feel it's coz we've drifted apart....coz we assume we know what the other person wants, we assume that the other person is not doing enough for us.....and so, everything just seems wrong.....in a very large way, it's all my fault. I don't know if it's coz I haven't been having a proper social life since I started SHATEC, so now when i'm once more back in a circle of friends, i'm so eager to embrace it that i neglected the one most important to me. Of course, i didn't totally forget him..it's just that I somehow see him and my friends on the same level, esp Winson and Nigel....I keep thinking of the 3 of them together...somewhat like we are really a family, and, i guess in the process, darling felt super lousy and all.

sighz....we've talked things out....and i sure hope things get better and all....

anyway, ya, the really crazy thing i did? I actually spoke to Wan Jun, Winson's girlfriend....told her about my point of view and all, try to get her to understand Winson's position, etc, etc, etc... yes, i know, i'm a busybody...but that's just silly ol' me....i can't just stand in a corner and wait for things to happen...coz i need to see things happen......anywayz, it was all for the better...they have patched up, and i just hope that they will work things out...that he'll stop lying to her, and at the same time, she will try to understand his situation and feelings......

hmm...work has been super busy these days....have been putting in 10 hour days since i came back to work...and i'm one of the least already....everybody's super busy coz of all the cake orders and christmas prep..and it doesn't help that the new outlet at Centrepoint just opened today.......sighz...am really super tired.........darling's also going for duty tmr....it sucks...it really does.....

ARGH.....I really need some direction.............




December 6th 2006

It's Mummy's birthday today. I had no chance to get her anything...and I feel really bad..but have really been busy..and my mind so preoccupied and all.

Haven't been myself lately...these few days..i dunno why i feel like i'm super emo..super moody...maybe coz i'm confused and all......anywayz, things between me and winson are fine...actually, he was never really upset with me...it's pretty much that his girlfriend thinks that i don't like her and stuff....sighz...really long story..and i feel really bad abt it and all...esp. since we've both bonded more over this camp... i just hope things all work out for the better....coz...i never saw him so in love with somebody...and..i just think it's such a waste to let a beautiful relationship go down the drain...to say the truth, if she really can't accept the brotherly-sisterly love we all share, then, i'll just let go.....it's for the better of them anyway..... *shrugs*

during these few days, coz of this problem, i met up with nigel's gf...think she's nice...probably the one one that's really him so far.....one that suits him...haha..seeing him and winson find someone they love so much really makes me feel as if i'm like their mum...so happy for them u know? i'm just glad...and happy.....

going to Ikea with them on sunday, we talked abt how our house would be in the future, and how the both of them would come stay with DArling and me....haha....i think that that would truly be us as a family....so nice...... =)

hmm..the trip to bintan is confirmed already....i so cannot wait!! sighz...i've bonded with them so closely that now when i don't see them, i actually miss them...it's weird..i tell you...and i thank god my darling is so understanding and that he knows them perrsonally, as well as understand our relationship...so that he doesn't and wouldn't think otherwise.... =)

anywayz, back to camp, everything went well...i think the campers enjoyed themselvess...and i sure hope they found their own sanctuary....hahhaa.... the rosary session idea i got from russell really worked...will post the pic.....but ya...darling feels that we didn't work closely enough as a team...which i feel is a relatively major problem...hence, i told them to go reflect abt it.....and then we discuss it over evaluation mtg.....hmmm...though my major spiritual activity went wonky...but...i touched the hearts of those who mattered most...Chris, Angela, Winson, and Clare...hopefully it's enough to help them find their direction in life, as well as help Chris come back to legion once more.....i think the entire YGZ, though not having worked together as well as we ought to have, not supporting each other well enough, i think a few really bonded, which is good.......many miracles happened, and i'm so glad....coz seriously..we went for Mass at Natvity, and the priest's sermon actually matched the entire theme that i was focusing on!! The weather was beautiful when we needed it to be, and well, without God's grace, i can't imagine what the camp would have been like..... =)

oh well...k then.....i just did something really craZy today...but knowing my impulsive behaviour, it ain't actually surprising.....won't say what...if it turns out the way i hope it will....then i'll mention it....... till the next time....




December 3rd, 2006

Camp is finally over....after a whole week of improper sleeping and eating....the camp has ended. There's so much to talk abt it...but I just don't know how to write it all down coz there's so much to say....ultimately, i guess everything went relatively well..and from a camper's point of view, i would have to say that it went perfectly well..however, on our YGZ view, i guess we really failed in supporting each other's programs..that we did not cooperate with each other as well as we should have......hmm..i hope i actually managed to touch some hearts...and that God actually helped each of them discover their own sanctuary.....

There were so many miracles in the camp..so many beautiful things happened.....Saw God and Mary everywhere.... and how they had a hand in the success that we had in all of the programs...and i'm so grateful for that. wanna elaborate more..but...don't really know what to type about right now as my mind is so muddled up....so i guess it'll have to be in another entry.

Am seldom so lost for words.....but my mind is really preoccupied at the moment. sighz....i'm feeling very upset, very confused...and very very very lousy....that's why i'm writing in this colour....i'm truly feeling blue. I've just hurt somebody very close to my heart...somebody i love a lot.....it's not Darling....it's my dearest god-brother...winson...sighz....don't really wish to disclose it coz it's quite private and all....but...yup...it wasn't intentional...and well, whatever stupid things i did is causing him to be in a dilemma, to have to make very difficult choices...i believe he does not blame me, yet even so...i know it's pretty much my fault that this problem arose...... =(

feeling really terrible right now.....don't know what to say.....can't do much either.....so...i think i should just sign off now and write again some other day...will also upload the photos from the camp soon.....