for now, i'm just glad that i'm able to put aside matters at home whilst i'm teaching and to give 100% at work........to stop calling home to check how Faith is, and to just trust that my mum is doing well with her..............
ever since Faith fell ill, she's been waking up in the middle of the night at about 2 or 3am....regardless of how much milk she's taken in for the day......it's really taking a physical toll on darling and myself.....and we're just so tired each morning........
She's drinking so much milk lately...never below 1000ml in a day for the last week or so!!!
Yet, although we both are so tired, just seeing her grin and smile in delight every evening as she welcomes us home.........we just forget how tired we are. =)
She's getting more and more talkative....and she's smiling ever so readily these days..... =)
It's amazing how much attention she draws everytime we bring her out....and we can't help but to be so proud of her.
5 more days and she'd be 4 months old already...... i can't wait to start her on solid foods!!!! =D
it hasn't been easy juggling between work and home..... there's just so much to do....
yet, i'm trying my very best to cope......
it doesn't help that EVERYONE i know has very high expectations of me. =( I ought to be glad that all of them think so highly of me. ( This includes even the expectations of my principal! )
The fact that they've put me to understudy a teacher with star qualities just tells me that they want me to learn from her, and to be as good, if not better, than her.
It's a large shoe to fill. Especially when i can no longer devote the same amount of time to doing my lesson planning and searching for resources.......
But, i still have to cope.... I guess that knowing that they have such high expectations of me just makes me place even more stress on myself as i hate disappointing others. Having a baby to look after is not an excuse, but part and parcel of life. I just have to grit my teeth and do my very best to live and deal with it...... And at the same time, pray for strength.....
10:53 PM
Monday, July 06, 2009
i've had enough.
seriously.
i've been trying so hard to tolerate this nonsense because i didn't want to ruin relationships.
but i'm so bloody annoyed that i'm speechless.
to whose conscience this strikes, i hope you reflect.
we discussed what being in this role took.... you agreed with us that time was the biggest factor.
and yet, since the start of her presence, you've seen her less than 10 times.
you continue to expect that our lives will still be the same, that our priorities have not changed.
i'm sorry if you don't realise that the biggest change anyone could experience in their lives has happened to us.
you expect the world to revolve around you.
just FYI, it doesn't.
You work, so do all of us. As I always say. God gives everyone 24 hours. What you choose to do in that 24 hours is purely up to you. He asked his disciples if one hour is too much to give to Him..... We ask the same question to you.
despite being in your field, you don't seem to understand the importance of sleep to her. Nope. You definitely don't.
Visiting hours are put from 6 to 8pm for a very good reason.
Yet, you fail to realise it.
the very least you can do is to give a call and give us an estimate of what time you'll come.
But it seemed, you can't even do that, and expect to pop by anytime. you actually seemed surprised when we told you not to bother coming anymore.
is commonsense that rare nowadays?
you probably think i'm being a big B***H and A*****E for writing like that.
But i think i've been too nice for too long. All because relationships came first. Despite how annoyed i am, we still always put you first. Just in case you don't realise, you get the NICEST and BEST THOUGHT of gifts for your birthday and christmas ALL THE TIME. Money is NEVER a factor. All because darling cares about you enough to rack his brains for you.
But i don't think you realise that presence matters... especially to one so young.
What your relationship is with her... depends on how you build it up. If you're happy with a distant relationship, it's fine with me.
Just don't question why she's MUCH MUCH closer to two other people who owns the same title as you.
Because they make EVERY effort to come see her, play with her and most importantly, spend time with her, EVERY MINUTE THAT THEY CAN, NO MATTER HOW TIRED THEY ARE.
I'm just thankful right now that she's far too young to understand what it means to be disappointed... coz otherwise, she'd have been disappointed so many times that she wouldn't trust anymore.
10:35 PM
My mind is terribly bogged down.
I have to start teaching tomorrow... am wondering if i'll be able to do as good a job as I always had... after all, my life has changed tremendously... my priorities are different, and I have less time to work on my lesson plans and resources....
My previous supervisor told my current supervisor that I'm a solid teacher.... sigh... i take it as a fantastic compliment.. .but i'm also worried that she's caused my current supervisor to set a very high benchmark and expectation for me.... making it harder for me to meet expectations.... =(
But I know I've racked my brains to make ALL my lessons for the rest of this term interesting, learner-centred and something from which my students can gain... i just hope i'm able to deliver...
I used to be able to put everything aside, and put work in first place when i'm at work. I used to be able to do anything and everything the school required of me... all because i know i need to do well, and I have my own high expectations to meet.... but now, things are different. Each time I receive a duty and have to go to school earlier, I feel terrible.. coz it means I have to leave Baby Faith earlier.... and have lesser time with her.....
I want so much to do my lesson plans in the night, to write out what i can... but by night time, I'm usually far too tired to be able to do anything....
Sigh... I really hope to learn to manage my time better.......
To make things worse... Baby Faith has just fallen sick.
She's coughing so badly.... the past few days, she'd already been having a dry cough, but we just tried to give her more water... today, her cough had phelgm... and she's sneezing so often.. plus she has a stuffy nose.
Darling and me got worried, and we decided to take her to the doctor's to check...... turns out she's got quite a bad flu.... Doctor gave her some medicines, and told us to bring her back on Thursday for a review. If she's still not well by then, she might have to be warded, as it's very likely that this might develop into bronchitis or asthma....
sigh.... it's heartbreaking to watch her like that.... she can't even sleep well because she's coughing every few mins..... and her appetite is affected because of that. She cries coz she's feeling lousy, and there's nothing we can do to help her get rid of the phelgm that's clogging up her lungs. =(
Yet.. she's such a strong and happy baby. I really am so proud of her. Despite feeling terrible, she's not miserable or crying all the time... instead, she continues to smile everytime someone smiles at her, sings to her or plays with her.... she is really such a happy baby.... Darling and me are so proud of her.... and at the very same time... our hearts are aching so terribly....
I just really hope she'll get better soon.......
6:11 PM
Saturday, July 04, 2009
It's been a crazy week.......all the things that has to be done due to the H1N1...... and yet, i guess that bochap Singaporeans still exist.......
oh well......
Will be starting to teach next week... suddenly i feel fearful..... worried that i've lost the touch... But i know i have to carry on.....
It's tough having to juggle between lesson planning, housework and looking after Baby Faith.... I feel so terribly tired and lethargic.... and i constantly wish i could spend more time with her....
She laughs so much these days, and i can't help but look forward to seeing her radiant smile each time i come home from work..... that smile alone chases away all my tiredness and worries about work....
She misses me so much, that at night, she seems to only want me.... at least until she's extremely tired...and needs her Daddy's power of making her sleep...... she needs the both of us for different reasons, and we're just contented to provide her with all that she needs....
10:40 AM
Life is Beautiful
I love you not only for what you are
but for what you make of me.
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