Saturday, December 09, 2006
December 9th 2006
green green green...i don't know what mood i'm in..so i'm just using green. yup..photos from the camp are uploaded....couldn't' get them up the last couple of days..i've no idea why...anywayz, yup.. me still feeling quite lost. I really dunno where I am or what I'm doing...my mind's still feeling very very confused. This is bad....I wonder if things between me and darling will work out...i hope they will...i guess it is true...when u spend too much time together, u end up assuming that you already know what the other person wants....and that's when all the trouble starts...i guess that's what happens to most of the older married couples we see...like my parents, for instance, and we wonder why they quarrel over such small things, why they never do talk things out.....now...when i'm going through the same crap, i understand why...it's all coz we assume far too much. We forget that everyone's needs changes...that our wants changes too...and whilst we demand for more, we forget that our partners need more too... and in the process, we drift apart from one another....and...then...we ask ourselves why things like that happen...as long as we don't talk about it, and try to solve things...it will only get worse..and..sadly enough, though the love is still there...very much there, the dissatisfaction covers everything else up. hmmm..in a nutshell, that's what's happening to darling and me....we are both assuming we know what the other party wants, yet we ourselves, on the other hand, are actually changing our own wants and needs, and expect the other person to still know what we want....This is especially so since the camp, coz we've both gone through a difficult time in this period on our own, and we each felt the other person wasn't there in the way we wanted them to be. Despite addressing the issue, we did not realise the fault lay within ourselves...maybe we did...but we still focused more on how our own needs were not met....and things just got worse.... we stopped thinking about the other person and more about our own self. Individualism... Though we continued to give to the other person, but it was in the way we assumed they wanted it to be... and not think abt if it was actually what they wanted.... and at the end of the day, we felt like we had been giving all this while, yet not receiving at all....and that led to 2 dissatisfied individuals who loved each other very much, yet was not fulfilling the other party's needs and wants....sighz...i just hope that upon the both of us realising this problem, we will both strive to make it better.......or dissatisfaction will just kill everything between us...the way it seems in every long-term married couple.... =(I find that i really think much much better when i'm alone....and jotting all the thoughts going through my head as i'm writing them....i tend to be able to sort out everything...all the jumbled up mess up there......this is truly when i'm in my own zone... this is my way of letting it all out...though i whine to my friends and all....but i guess it's never really my true thoughts coz i've not yet sorted them out, or thought abt them properly.... after coming in here...then it's when i'll find God, find my sanctuary, and let Him heal me......He has done wonders....seriously....and how He's made His presence felt in my life is truly amazing. Not once has He let me down in camp.....He's blessed the wonderful weather....even though He continuously tested our faith...I still remember how it was threatening to rain just before our games......and right till the very last minute before we started, it was actually drizzling........many faltered...and questioned whether it was viable to continue the program...but..as we had just said the Rosary that day (refer to photo!!), I truly had faith that Mother Mary would intercede for us......i believed in it.....and she never failed me...the skies cleared the moment we started the game..and it was SO SO hot!!!! It was really a blessing.... and it proved to me..and all of us that God just wanted to test us......to see how much we really entrusted our lives into His care....even the Rosary was beautiful......coz all my campers shared... all of them felt everything...whether good or bad, and i believe many of them were touched.... The Holy Spirit was constantly in all of my spiritual programs.... and though Darling felt that we, as YGZ did not work together as a team, in the sense that we failed to support each other in ways we should have, and continuously thought only of our own group's programs, the Lord helped once more, in the way that the campers themselves managed to enjoy the full camp, and learn something as they left it, hopefully helping us fulfill our goal in making them realise that Legion could be their Sanctuary....what darling felt is something the YGZ need to address and mend.....coz that in a way, is a failure.....but on the whole, from a campers' point of view, i'd say that it was a success because of the beauty of God's presence seen in everything, and how many of them walked away bringing something that they'd learnt along with them. Hopefully we'd touched them enough to make them more devoted to being a Legionary........ As for the YGZ, this problem will have to be addressed so that we can each become better leaders in future activities...... coz we all need to think of each other........Hmm...i feel a teeny weeny bit better now that i got all of my thoughts out.....i think i was very messed up inside....all my thoughts jumbled up and all...and being the organized person i think i am, i really needed to pull all of them out and put them in their right places ttogether with my emotions.... =)4 more days of work before i take my much-needed break before i start my contract teaching next year.......i really can't wait....coz there's so many things i really wanna do in this short period.....what's more, my 4th year anniversary with darling is coming up....not to mention Christmas, our bintan trip, as well as the year-end gathering that i'll be organizing.....there's of course, also the Curia activities that we need to start planning for if we wanna keep the flames of all our soldiers up!!! the road ahead seems daunting.....and i'm filled with apprehension since i'm starting on a whole new path next year.....but i have faith that the Lord has made His plans for me and that He will guide me in the right path, leading me in the way that He wants me to follow.......
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