Saturday, December 23, 2006
23rd December 2006 0100hrs
Yay....it's my 4th year anniversary today........i know it'll be a beautiful day ahead, and I simply can't wait......though darling and myself haven't planned what to do, but i think that that's what makes it beautiful...coz sometimes it just sucks when you have something to do next...and it's like you're on a schedule? though I love being organized and all, but it's good to be aimless once in awhile.... =) so sorry...though i said i wanted to post pics of the gifts, but I really didn't have a chance to take photos of them....been working at them for so long and until so late....only finished my friends' presents at 4am last night after staying up for 3 nights to complete them in time for today......plus darling's gift, and the video i made for today's party (which couldn't burn at all for god knows what reason!!!!!)....sighz...anywayz...the party went well, and the food was almost finished.....maybe they didn't really fill the guests up..but i guess it was just nice...at least i have no leftovers...haha...i guess if the video could burn properly onto the disc, it would have been better....feel that it's so wasted coz it's really very nice..and so much time was spent on it......but oh well......hmm....although i'm supposed to be really really really happy now coz it's my anniversary and all, i'm actually feeling very very down.........in fact, i just cried.....it's not coz of darling.....definitely not.....though he didn't get anything for me for our anniversary, but i know it's absolutely coz he had no time alone to source anything out.....in fact, if i hadn't stopped working, i believe i wouldn't have the time to do something like what i did either....... anyway, not to digress, i'm more upset because i'm feeling very unappreciated....why? you may ask.....why the sudden feeling of unappreciation? it's pretty much coz of some friends of mine....i dunno....it's after today that i really think about the saying, "familiarity breeds contempt"......i wonder how true it is....and maybe it is true to some extent.... today, when i gave the gifts to them (the very gifts that darling and myself had spent so much time and sleepless nights on), it's funny how the ones we really care about didn't seem to think much about it....but the others who, well, are close to us, but yet not extremely close, are the ones who really appreciated the effort we had put in........(not to keep u wondering, we sewed a cushion for them, with their names cross-stitched onto it.......and darling stuffed the cushion for me and stitched it up......so, it was a joint effort gift from us).....it may have been a simple gift, but every process was painstakingly done.....and sewn with love and much thought about the person we were doing it for.......in other words, it's a priceless gift.....and...somehow, when you give a gift like that, i guess you hope the receiver would appreciate it.........but.....sad to say, i was relatively disappointed by a few......(i won't say names, coz it's no point)....whose reaction really hurt me bad......esp after i see the joy on their faces when they receive gifts from others that may either have taken similar effort, or may just be a store-bought gift.......i felt as if our present, which seemed priceless to me, suddenly became one that was worthless....and stabs of pain just shot through my heart......for it was these few whom darling and me really thought about, and really cared about....enough so that we went on to buy something special for each of them....but.....sighz......i shan't say more.....(i know i shouldn't post this online, but i really need an outlet, coz i'm affected really badly.......)I guess it don't help either that the gifts that darling and/or me received from those we are close to, yet not that close, are the gifts that we really really appreciate...coz they really thought about whether we would like it, whether it suited us, or whether it would mean something more to us. but...the same pple i speak of....sighz......they disappointed me once again.... there was totally no meaning to the gifts.....it seemed more like a necessity to buy than anything else.....and....i really don't know........i don't know why i'm feeling like that........it's not like i even expected anything in the first place.....to me, the cost nor the wrapping matters...what mattered more was the thought put into it....i always feel that presents bought just for the sake of buying are a waste of the giver's money and time, and the receiver will probably not know what to do with it at all....... i know i shouldn't speak of my gifts so openly...but i guess when it's pple that are that close to you.....sighz................of course, it's not only coz of the whole gift thingy that i'm upset about......it's also about the saying i mentioned earlier....somehow, i feel that when u're so close, u no longer see the need to thank them, or to show them appreciation......after all the time i'd spent on the food today.....it just sucked that no one actually really commented on the food.....maybe it's coz pple assume i'd know it's good....but......i dunno.....much as i seem to be the one in control, the one who's really sturdy and strong...and also confident and self-assured, i'm actually not...... i constantly need reassurance, coz i've absolutely no faith in myself at all. sometimes i find it hard to believe in myself...but....that's never the side i show....especially to my Legion friends...maybe it's coz of my position, maybe it's coz i'm the oldest amongst my whole clique..maybe it's coz they all look up to me as their big sister......but.....i guess that sometimes, i'm still human....i still need love, i still need reassurance, i still need to be reminded of my worth.......ho-hum.....i dunno anything anymore....i dunno why i'm brooding on this issue...i dunno why i'm so down...especially when it's a special day....right now, i just need my darling beside me.....coz it seems as if it's only him who knows the real me....the me that constantly needs love and cushioning from the outside world......and it's also him who will willingly coddle my needs, protect me from my fears...and make me feel that i'm worth it after all.......that's why i thank God for giving me someone as wonderful as him......without darling...i really dunno who i'd be able to turn to when i need to be the weak little girl that's hiding inside..............i wonder why i'm this lucky, to have a gift like him.....for without him, i'd be nothing...
12:59 AM
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