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Wednesday May 30 2007

I'm tired. Super super tired.

That's an understatement.

Darling's grandmother is in hospital for a super serious throat infection. She has been ill since last Wednesday. Was warded only on Friday, and then had her operation on Monday. She is now in ICU and will be there for another 2 weeks.

Her neck was swollen like a toad..due to a collection of pus. The infection actually went all the way to her oesophagus, which actually tore as a result. Hence, right now, the place that she has been operated on is still left open, as the docs need to check that it has healed properly. It of course does not help that she has diabetes...which of course makes her more susceptible to infections.

Sigh...i've been in and out of hospitals so much lately, that I feel I should be the one staying in there. First it was Darling, then my mum, and now darling's grandma.....

In a way, I'm glad that she is in ICU, as it ensures that she gets the care that she requires...in the normal ward, there are usually so many trainee nurses that the patients end up getting more neglected....in that way, at least all of us do not have to spend the entire day there, as we can't go in either.

Hm....of course, the entire hospital thingy is not the only thing that's causing me to feel so drained.

Had the pre-camp the weekend before, and much as the ygz are learning to work together more effectively, they are still unprepared, and not armed with the right mentality for the camp. There is truly no sense of urgency at all, and darling, angela and myself are just hoping that come tomorrow, they will be ready...

My school's P5 camp just ended. There was a big hoo-ha over my absence on Monday, but I don't feel like talking about it. Ultimately, certain pple just took advantage of me, and I got really upset, and walked off, neglecting my duties, coz I had to rush off to hospital. The pple involved went to tell my principal, which led to myself getting a big fat scolding. But, I had nothing to fear, although I acted irresponsibly, but I was put in a very dire situation, and had to make a choice between the lesser of two evils. Whichever choice I made would have its own bad consequences, so I made the one which would lay less on my conscience.

Right now am at Darling's place, after which, we'll be dropping by to the hospital later, and then to the prep camp tonight. Tonight we've got to work them hard, and make sure that all possible preparations are done for tomorrow. I somehow have a very bad feeling that they've left out many many things.......

ARGH......I feel like pulling my hair out. There's just so so much to do. On a lighter note, my new evening gown design looks really good....but I really have to lose weight and tone up my flabby tummy come December...have decided that I should be the only one who knows how my dress would look like. No one else ought to know..hehe..so I can give a surprise to everyone on that day itself........

The preparations for my wedding will only increase with time...not to mention all the other things that we have to do...... I think i'll really need the remaining weeks of holiday to rest if I can... thank god for the getaway that darling and myself have planned for our 54th monthsary... that's the only thing i'm looking forward to right now...... =)




Wednesday May 23 2007






Just another test I took for the fun of it..is it true?

What kind of Mom am I???

Perpetua, you're a hip mom because you Are in the Know

From new trends to their favorite slang, you're the kind of mom who "gets" the younger generation. So when it comes to being at the top of your parental game, you score big! Perceptive and supportive, you're able to put yourself in your kids' shoes and understand what's really important to them at any age. While some parents might trivialize their children's priorities, you realize that the smaller things can make a world of difference when you're a kid. It's no surprise to you that understanding the ins and outs of being young is one of the coolest (and best!) ways to keep your crew happy and healthy. Way to stay hip!




Sunday May 21 2007

Am feeling super lonely today.......but, i did get my much needed rest to recover myself and prepare myself for the super long 2 weeks ahead.....I only woke up at 12 plus this afternoon....had a super restful sleep in Darling's arms all night.....never felt so happy and secure for very long....if only he was not on duty today, I believe that today would have been a super sweet day as well..........


Anywayz, I woke up for a little while in the morning to help him pack and send him off for his duty, and I went back to sleep....after waking up, I had my lunch, and started on my mountain of worksheets to mark.....couldn't seem to concentrate though..I marked, then surfed the net, then read a book, and the cycle continued.....My parents went out in the evening, and so did my bro....leaving me all by myself again...sighz.......

Oh well, I guess, that is only one day a month that i have to feel like that......but I do know that the next 2 weeks are gonna be super busy...... I do love knowing that next week is the last week of school! YAY! haha..... however, once Friday comes, the massive load of things to do will start....have to go to SAFYC to see the manager....then got pre-camp to attend......when I finish on Sunday, it'll be time for Senior Curia again...... once Monday comes, it will by my P5 annual camp until Wednesday, and on Thursday, day 0 of recruitment camp will begin, and it will be the true test of the ygz to see if they are truly ready.... only after that week will my holidays truly begin........

darling and me are still sourcing for the best place to stay in for our weekend getaway, and I know that on the days that I have nothing on during the holidays, I will most definitely be packing my room, and doing as much of my wedding prep as I can.......sighz....better go sleep now, or i'll fall asleep on my feet tmr1!!!!!




Saturday May 19 2007

disappointment.

I hate it. Hate it when those I love disappoint me. No. It's not darling....but it's someone I hold close to my heart....

I'm relatively cynical. I try not to expect anything of anybody, because I believe that way u get less disappointed and more easily satisfied. It makes life much easier to go by. I expect close to zero.....but if u can't even meet my most minimal requirement, I have nothing to say.

Prioritising your life. Responsibility. Attitude to work and life.

I find all that important. Because without all of these, you can go nowhere in life. And, he still doesn't know how to do that. At his age.

I don't think he even cares how I feel anymore. I don't know where he has placed his priorities. Once again, I shall step out of his life. I see no point in worrying and trying to change him, because this is not the first time this has happened. My hopes shall be placed on people who are more worth it. If he does not even show the least bit of concern about how I'm feeling, then it's over.

It sucks to throw a friendship away just like that. But I guess he's disappointed me in more ways than one. And enough is enough.









Wednesday May 16th 2007

I'm better already....I promise......I think it was a combination of stress, and also PMS...... but anyhow, I am feeling much much better already, and am back to my old self....of course, i do get those moments where I just sit down there, and am almost falling back into that stressfulness....but I pull myself back........ darling has been wonderful.....being there for me all the time, tending to all of my needs......holding me when I cry with pain and fear........really don't know what i'd do without him.......

Darling and me visited SAFYC (Changi) on Saturday.....quite a nice place actually...will be going down with Maria soon to discuss things further in detail so that we can have a better idea of what they can or cannot offer......... then Darling and me had a nice meal at changi village.....been so long since we had time to sit down, relax, eat and enjoy each other's company....am thinking of actually taking out one weekend for the both of us just to spend time together.......coz we haven't done that in quite a long time......

Had a super busy weekend helping my mum to sell flowers for Mother's Day...though tiring, but, I guess I'm used to it.....had Curia on Sunday, and Angela, Darling and myself took out lots of time to attend the Recruitment Camp meeting......only to realise that the mentality and attitude of the entire committee is super screwed up.......we were all super worried and frustrated with them, so I gave them a good lecture, whilst Darling spent much of his time trying to improve things........I really hope that session woke them up at least a little bit...or else this camp is so doomed for failure........sighz....i know we can't really blame them coz half of them are first-timers...but i guess what irked me was not the inexperience, but rather the way they do their work, and how there is no sense of urgence...especially when the camp in only 2 weeks away!!! Sheesh......... it's even more scary coz this pple are the next batch of people we are trying to groom..and with darling and myself getting more busy coz of our wedding, it just worries me even more.......

Oh well...anyhow, after that, I went to get a pair of strapped sandals for work....love them..coz it's so nice, and now I have an option of wearing flats to work!! hehe.... darling and me also bought the sandals from New urban male........so now, it seems we ought to be wearing them everywhere..... =)

It's Meet-The-Parents session tomorrow.......and Darling is also gonna have his check-up tomorrow......in a way, I'm glad...coz then I can leave early to accompany Darling...also the day will probably not be as stressful.......

My kids had their immunisation jab today......one of them cried.....it broke my heart......yet, after a while, he started laughing again...funny how their emotions change so quickly.....I called MOE, and heard that I'm enrolled to be admitted into NIE this year.......in July...but my supervisor told me not to put high hopes on it until I receive my letter...coz...sometimes their work processing can be very very slow...........my main worry is actually for my kids.....think they'll be so lost if I really leave....yet I do wonder if they'll even miss me? Or would they just miss me for that instance, and after 1 month or so, completely forget me? I somehow feel it would be the latter......but I guess that's part and parcel of life........Ah well...

anyway, Sheena, if you're reading this...hope you're getting better ya....believe you'll recover quickly with your Superman there to help you go through this pain...... =) rest well my dear.....love you.....




Thursday may 10 2007

Feeling super down at this very moment in time. I have no exact idea why.

Had a major breakdown last night for almost 2 hours....I couldn't stop myself from crying......was hyperventilating...and I couldn't get out of the foetal position......was totally uptight.....

I dunno wat's the reason for my breakdown. I dunno wat is it's major cause...

All I know is that I'm feeling very very stretched right now......I'm feeling very lost....Like I don't know what's the next step to take. There seems to be so much to do, and really so little time.....

I feel like I'm in a room that seems so big, so big that it's endless, and I'm trying to find my way out.....yet, although the room is big, it seems that there are invisible walls everywhere, and that everywhere I turn, I'll bump into an invisible barrier, which stops me from going further, and at the end of it, I realise that though I can look so so far out, I can only stay within this small little space......

Usually I'll be fine after a breakdown...but even now, my tears are still uncontrollable.....and I really don't know what i'm doing or why I'm like that...I feel like I'm going crazy....I'm scaring myself so badly......

What scares me more is that Darling tells me that this breakdown of mine has become more common since I joined the teaching force......Am i really too stressed out? Is this path of career truly for me? Is that why God does not want me to receive the admission letter for NIE? What is going on with me?







Just did this test on parenting..........I think it's super super true!!

Type III parents strike a difficult balance with their children — one between authority and friend. To your children, you are both the rule maker and the confidante. You're very involved in their lives and you've established open verbal communication with them. You are very demanding but very responsive to them as well. You hold your children to a fairly high standard of behavior, but also work hard to be open and emotionally available whenever they need you. You set clear and consistent boundaries to which you ask their respect and adherence, but you do so in a warm, affectionate, and fair manner.

You nurture a child's self-reliance and independence by doing things such as including them in family decision-making processes. You run your family like a democracy, wherein your children feel respected and free to question your viewpoints and disagree with the rules of the house. In a manner of speaking, you encourage them to contribute to their own parenting on a day-to-day basis. Punishments, when they happen, do not tend to be distributed in a highly emotional or physical manner, with a lot of yelling or spanking. Rather, they are carried out using more of a non-emotional system of consequences, such as withdrawal of one of the child's privileges or calling for a time-out.

Positive Effects of Your Parenting Style: Research suggests that your parenting pattern is strongly associated with children who become independent, socially responsible, and emotionally secure adults. It also shows that these children tend to have high self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-control. Furthermore, children raised under the Type III parenting style tend to have really strong relationships with their parents. So much so, that when Type III parents punish their children, the children often understand why — they recognize what they did as wrong, and feel badly about it. Perhaps because they're open to understanding actions and consequences of those actions, these children tend to be very comfortable with social and intellectual self-assertion, and on average have good chances of long-term academic success.

Negative Effects of Your Parenting Style: Your close ties to your children's lives have many benefits, but they can also foster some detrimental development. You don't want to be too involved with their daily lives. Doing so can quash your children's independence — even though you are sincerely trying to nurture it. Over-involvement in a child's life can take many forms. Whether children read into your involvement as placing excessive restrictions or feel smothered by too much affection and attention, research has shown that these tendencies can inhibit a child's ability to develop as a spontaneous and independent individual. Excessive control and monitoring can also make your children moody, introverted, and less socially capable than their peers. Smothering children with love and affection can make them impulsive, immature, and less independent than their peers.

Your style of parenting is a strong one. The biggest difficulty you face is simply maintaining the fine line between the perfect amount of involvement, and too much. Remember children need time on their own to make their own decisions. Without that, they'll become dependent on others for approval even on simple decisions.

And remember, your child changes with age, so expect your role as a parent to also change. The difficulty is learning how to maintain your close, loving, and instructive relationship with your child over time.




Wednesday May 9th 2007

It's my parents' 40th wedding anniversary tomorrow. So exciting. haha......it's amazing to have been married for so long, and to have gone through so much together as a couple... =)

anywayz,.....I sincerely think that the weather is going mad....so many people are falling sick because of that.....sighz......just came back from school, and I'll be heading for Darling's house later.......next week is my Meet-the-Parents session....can't wait for it to come, because it'll mean one less day of planning for lessons!!! =)

It's already May, and I still have not received my letter to go into NIE yet...I have no idea why, but I have a feeling I will not enter this year...... maybe God's trying to tell me that I have more things in which I'll need time for in the next 12 months or so, or maybe, He wants me to seriously think about what I really want before I sign on that dotted line.........but oh well, it's just a feeling...I shall still have to pray and wait and see........

On another note, Darling and myself have confirmed with Silhouette for the gowns and suit..... Angela and Sheena came along with us to just take a look at the place.....can't wait to start doing my fittings and all....Minda, my designer has said that she's gonna do a BRIGHT yellow dress for my dinner! I think it's gonna be so beautiful....I'm already thinking so much about it!!!!! =) haha... oh well....have got to rush to go bathe before I go over to Darling's place.....so shall write again later....




Saturday May 5th 2007

hmmm....darling and angela are both at their retreat now....probably dying there coz everything's so serious........i woke up early today to prepare sandwiches and drinks for them to bring on their journey.......sighz....am supposed to be there with them now, but coz there's no one to look after my mum here, I decided to stay behind......the stupidest thing is that the people are still asking me to pay for my share, and I don't see why....after all, we are staying in a chalet, and thus, my presence or absence would not make a difference to the price!!! *rolls eyes*...sometimes I just don't understand how these people think!!

anyway, since they're both gone, I spent the entire morning with my mum....went with her to pay bills, go to the bank, and then we had lunch before coming home.....

lately, darling and me have been spending lots of time with angela.....haha....we meet up almost everyday now, especially since darling's training her for her NAPFA...so ya, went to exercise with them yesterday, and I also exercised with my P5s in school...so am aching everywhere now!! just proves how inactive I am......sighz...just waiting for july to come, when I can confirm where I'll be headed for, and then I'm so gonna sign up for dance courses...I really cannot take being separated from one of the greatest passions in my life! It's probably the only thing that I really truly enjoy...and I guess that losing it totally is really quite bad for me...not to mention the fact that being back in dance would help me to lose weight!! =)

oh well....am at a loss for what to say currently........coz my mind's on so many things......so yup...shall probably write again later......




Thursday May 3rd 2007

It's been a very tiring past 3 days......been doing lots and lots of housework coz I can't let my mum do anything.....so darling and myself have been juggling the housework out on our own....cooking, marketing, sweeping, mopping, laundry, folding clothes, ironing.....I feel like I'm going nuts....This is in addition to all the schoolwork as well....it's gotten to the point where I've no energy or cells left to think about schoolwork once I'm done...all i wanna do is to actually unwind........

Went to the zoo with my kids today.......to say the truth, i actually realise that as hyper as my kids are, they are actually quite obedient.....much as they seem to go all out to irritate me with their nonsense, I realise that they actually follow much of my instructions, to the extent that if I did not say that they could go buy snacks, or stray from the group, they actually wouldn't do so! With that fact, I am actually quite amazed.......of course, the way i control them is only by shouting, which actually is not very good, but I've learnt to control myself a little bit better......they are quite amusing though...just that I think that the noise level is going to continue to haunt me for the rest of the evening...can u imagine touring the zoo with like 240 kids?!?!!!! Can die man.........=) Of course, it doesn't help that the weather didn't hold up, plus the fact that I forgot to bring an umbrella!!! Kaoz.....I was so super drenched....I can foresee so many teachers and students not coming tomorrow...in fact all of us were joking that all the P1 teachers wouldn't come tomorrow, and that Mr Kwan would have to teach all the children in the hall for the entire day!!! =p

Anywayz.....I think I'm gonna lodge a police report soon... Been plagued with 3 prank calls since last night, one at 1 am , 2 this morning...both sound like mutts.......and the most scary part is that they actually know my name!~!!! It freaked me out can??!?!?!?!?! And they ask all those weird and super bo-liao qns........I tell u, if they call me one more time, I really will go straight to the police.........

On a lighter note, darling, myself, angela and nigel had a chill-out session yesterday evening at coffeebean...think we had quite a good time just talking, and spending time with each other....been really long since we all had a chance to just sit down and talk....love spending moments like that with my dearest of friends.........anywayz, we are planning to go watch spiderman 3 together.......and then, of course, to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 3 as well as Shrek 3 together.....so many many movies.......

oh well......have to go cook dinner already.........then got to go for meeting...will probably write again on Saturday since Darling won't be home.......