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Tuesday July 31 2007

I shall stop being emo.

Yes, I'm still sad, and I still grieve her absence, but, i'm also moving on to a whole new life, so, I shall stop thinking sad thoughts, and treasure my life.

I guess it was inevitable that I feel this way, but grieving only makes the process harder to overcome, so....why not smile and be happy? =)

Many things have happened in the last 2 weeks or so, and I haven't blogged about them yet...so here goes.....

Had my orientation in school over the duration of these two weeks....was quite fun actually, to really let my hair down...i mean, it's so rare that I'm a participant and not the organiser in things like that...if u know what I mean..... realised that there are different programs even within the diploma in general education program, and that i belong to what is termed the Option A program. Apparently, people in this program get to specialise in 2 subjects, but as a result, they have to study Further topics in these two as well, to make up for curriculum time. Upon graduation, we would also be teaching Upper Primary. I had been assigned English and Science to specialise in, but decided to change to Math and Science as I think it would be more useful in future.....but of course, the change is not confirmed yet.....

Went stationery shopping in preparation for the start of school next week...and...it's just so fun to be a student once more. haha..... the glee that comes about with buying new pens, and notebooks....you can only feel it when you're a student...... =)

Anywayz, had watched The Simpsons' Movie on Sunday. A real good show that's just meant for laughs...i think that anyone who is not feeling happy or is really upset should just watch the show to cheer themselves up..... no-brainer, yet relatively witty in a satirical form........ enjoyed myself pretty much.........the only dimmer of the day came from our meal at Surf & Turf....Don't know why we even bothered to eat there and waste almost $24 per person. It's insane I tell you.......the food was really really really bad...... don't even bother trying....

We'd celebrated Angela's birthday, no doubt a belated one (sorry, my dear) on the day of Mama's passing. We gave her a surprise actually...hehe.....i don't think she expected us to celebrate, especially since I had just experienced such a great loss...but we thought different, for I really needed to get my mind off it, and well, it's her birthday after all. So anyway, she'd thought that we were just meeting up for dinner... =) Darling and me rushed to Suntec's Fish and Co. and told the service staff of our plans, then we rushed to look for a cake for Angela. I can't help but commend the wonderful service that we received from both places that evening. The staff at Fish and Co were extremely helpful and pleasant, and constantly attending to our needs despite having an almost full house. The person who served us at Swensen's thanked us profusely for having bought a cake from them even though he didn't need to. I was amazed and taken aback at the level of service standard that we had received that day. It was really nice. =)

anyway, I had also completed my teaching stint at OEPS, and it was really sweet of my P4s to get presents for me....almost all the girls got something for me. Considering that I had only taught them for 4 weeks, it was a really pleasant surprise and really really nice....=) I guess it's things like that that help to make your job so worthwhile......... to know that your students appreciate you.........

oh well...me gonna take a nap for now...gonna go out with Paul and Angela (my "brother" & "sis-in-law from Australia) later, bring them around town.....maybe pop over to Canele to pay for my wedding cake. Had cooked chicken rice for them yesterday and they loved it.....thinking of conjuring up some of my other dishes for them too..... and for Daddy as well... =)












My Eulogy to Mama.........

Mama has been a wonderful and kind mother to me, showing me endless love and concern in all I do.

Even after she stopped looking after me everyday, not once did she stop thinking of me or caring for me.

Never once did she allow me to feel any less than a family member even though she's not my real mother.

I am who I am today all because of her.

She's taught me everything that I know, and I can still fondly remember the times when she read to me

every single day, sang to me, and taught me how to pray.

I am so lucky to have an extra mother, and not once have I thought of her as anything less than that.

Although we are all sad that we never had a chance to say goodbye to her properly,

yet I know that she's safely home in the hands of the Lord, smiling down on us, watching over us,

and we should all be happy that she managed to leave quickly, painlessly, the way she would have wanted

to leave this world.

Despite my sorrow that she would not be able to be physically present at my wedding later this year,

yet, the knowledge that she would be watching over us, and that she's is safely home with our Lord

is more than enough for me.

She has only gone home, because she has fulfilled what she was meant to do on Earth,

and that is to spread her love to each and every one of us.

Let us continue to remember her for her kindness and love,

and to keep praying for her.





Thursday July 25 2007


Mama has been cremated.
Her mortal body has left Earth for good.

I don't know what to feel.
Really.

I'm not upset, because I know that she has gone to a far better place. A place much better than what we can ever discover on Earth.
I just miss her being. I miss hearing her call my name, I miss her sweet smile. I miss sitting beside her, filling her in on the details of my life.

I don't know how to describe my feelings.
Up until yesterday, I had been feeling pain and loss. I still do.
But yesterday, Daddy got all of us to pen a little note to her, in which it would be placed in her urn of ashes.
As always, the paper given out was too small for me.
so, I chose to write a letter on my own, and to place it inside as well.
Somehow, I felt much better after that. It's as if I've told her all I'd wanted to say, and that a big burden had been lifted off my chest.
Even when I presented my eulogy to her today, by the time I'd reached the middle, God had worked His usual magic on the hurt in my heart, and I managed to take control of my emotions, and to speak to the audience with words of comfort and love.

But, what helped to make everything so much better, was that when we had reached the crematorium to say our final rites and prayers, there was a little sparrow inside the hall. It flew around, as if to welcome everyone, then, it perched itself on the wall, looking down at the coffin, then flew around somemore, disappearing for awhile, then returning, and coming back to look at the coffin again. And just as we were about to begin our rites, it flew away.

that scene gave me lots of peace.
I can't explain why.
Mama loves sparrows too.
Maybe it's her, maybe it's God trying to tell us that she's in a better place.
But I felt happy. Happy to know that she is happy too. Yet sad to know I'll never see her again.
I smile fondly at the beautiful memories I had with her, and even when I look at the photos I had with her when I was a child, I realise that in each one, she's not looking directly at the camera, but instead, she is gazing at me with lots and lots of love in her eyes. And that touches me.
I'm so glad these moments were captured on film for my memory, for these moments could only have happened once.

I know that if I do get a daughter in future, her name would be Regina Faith Ho.
Though Mama can't take care of her physically, I know she would watch over my future child/children from heaven, and giving the child her name would be the best gift I could give her.
I would tell her all about Mama, and what a wonderful person she was, and how special she is to me.
I know that this name would be what would set her apart from all her peers next time.
=)

Mama, I love you.
Rest in peace,
and do know that we all fondly miss and remember you.
Continue to watch over us, especially Daddy,
and keep all of us safe from harm.

With love............




22nd July 2007, Sunday.


Pain

That's the only emotion I feel right now.

I don't know how else to describe the hurt I feel deep within my heart.


My nanny just passed away at 1331 hours today, at 63 years old.

It was a sudden death. One minute she was there, the next they are trying to save her life.


I still cannot come to terms with her death.

It hurts. so badly.

I've never wept as much as I did...not when my friend, Jolene passed away, not when my grandmother did too.

maybe it's coz she was still well, and did not show any signs of sickness lately.
maybe it's coz I never got to see her for the last time.
maybe it's coz I wanted her to see me in my wedding gown, and to give me her blessings.
maybe it's coz I wanted so badly for her to look after my children next time.

maybe it's coz her own son can only reach singapore at 0645 hours tomorrow.
maybe it's coz my "daddy" will be all alone now.

maybe it's coz I never got to give her her Mother's day present.
maybe it's coz we haven't been in much contact lately.

I don't know.

It hurts.
It hurts so bad.

She was the only one who could make me sleep when I was a baby, listening to her heartbeat.
She was the one who taught me how to read.
She was the one who taught me everything I knew as a child.
She was the one who made me who I am now.

And now she's gone.

Though I accept the fact that our bodies are only worthy on Earth, and that she's gone to a far better place now, I can't help but miss her.

And I too worry for my "daddy", who'll be all alone.
What will happen to him now?

I believe that all things happen for a reason, but I'm still trying to grapple with the fact that I can no longer see her in flesh anymore..............
That I can no longer be with her by her side.
That she'll not be there smiling at me at my wedding.
That I'll never get to show and tell my future children how wonderful and important she was in my life.........

I miss you.

I really do.




Friday July 20 2007

This is SO EXCITING!!!!

Just tried on my gowns for the first time yesterday...would love to post it on the net, but I would want to keep them a mystery for those of you attending...hehe....

Had initially gotten a shock with my evening gown, which, btw, is SUPER SHORT!!!! Due to the frills at the bottom, I looked like a little girl....darling and angela were caught in their shock too.... But anyway, that was also coz I had not had my hair not make-up done yet..... so, I tried it again after my make-up artist did her work on me...and i was transformed. It's also coz the beadwork is all not done yet....but I can kinda see what Minda had in mind, and guess i'll just place my trust in her. AFter all, she has to know what she is doing....=) The morning gown is really simple....similarly, beadwork not done yet....but because its' simple, she'll give me a really detailed and elaborrate veil, which looks really nice with the gown.......

Sighz...according to Minda, my hips and thighs have increased a little....and so I am now trying to go on an anti-carbo diet.......starting slow.......but hoping it'll work. Darling also explained that I just started using all the muscles that had been asleep, and so, they are still in shock, thus the size...but....if i continue, I believe it'll get better......

Have to start going for facials too...and have to go to tanning salons to get my tan more even so that i'll look even more stunning in my short yellow gown! =)

So many things to do.....we got our cake confirmed yesterday too......gonna get it at Canele.... Chef's doing an 8kg violet cake for me, with a classic yet unique look...... =)

2nd Lindy Hop dance yesterday....had lots and lots of fun.......... =)

gonna be baking tomorrow......as my farewell gift both to the staff as well as to my children...also did my NIE registration yesterday....thought I could join dance in NIE, but realised that the president of the dance club was the president of TPJC's Dance too!! sheesh....wonder if i should join, or just stick to jitterbugs......*shrugs*

oh well..have to go for meeting now...will write more tomorrow!!!




Monday July 16 2007

Happy Belated Birthday Russell!!!

5 days to your birthday, Angela Liew!

Well.......slightly more than a week since I last wrote..... many things have happened......

firstly, I finally bought my shoes for the wedding...for like 80 bucks......much cheaper than I had expected to spend....will post a pic of it soon.......quite nice and simple, and elegant too.....=)

then, darling and me went for our first dance class together... we decided to take up lindy hop...and it's so much fun...should nie not have any cca's, I will definitely continue, and take up jazz again.....sighz...i really miss dance lots and lots.... and i'm having a really good time in there, just the way I used to.... but partner dancing is really very different from solo dancing...and the cool thing is the rotation of partners....so you kinda try to get the feel of dancing with different pple.....our group is also really small....excluding the teachers, only 2 guys and 4 gals.....but like darling said, this way, we get much more attention to our mistakes....hehe.....

step, step, triple-step.........that's one of the basic steps in lindy hop....it's going on and on in my head now, and already i'm looking forward to the next lesson in 3 days' time!!!

also went to the zoo for the first time with darling and his poly friends.....quite interesting...and we walked past every enclosure....so, it was real nice...hehe.....

Darling's niece has turned one month old...her name is megan......quite adorable....really round face.....have to upload the pics sometime soon too....

well....really brief remarks about everything....but...too much has happened for me to remember...........

7 more days as a contract teacher........i'm feeling so lost with emotion...coz I don't know whether to feel happy or sad...haha......but i'll be baking for my colleagues as a farewell gift to them....

3 more days to my registration at NIE, and my first gown fitting!!!! I'm so so excited and apprehensive...so worried that my skirt will be too short.....*gasps*....don't know how to describe my feelings..........*EEEEKKKSSS*.... i just hope it'll be fine...

planning for the wedding is down to the finer details now......and am hoping that everything starts falling in place already........now am deciding between canele and pine garden's for the cake.....the only reason i'm even considering pine's garden is coz furrene is leaving canele....and i'm worried that no one will be there to watch the process of the cake-making....... but then again, I trust the standard of canele more...so unless pine's garden can give me a really good price, I think I'll still stick with canele.........

oh well...k then...have much to do.......will write again soon.!!!!




Wednesday July 4 2007

Well well well.....am mid-week already.....exactly 3 more weeks before I leave school...for school......sounds quite confusing...but ya...leaving school as a teacher, for school as a student.....

Anywayz.....i'm getting quite used to the P4s...much as i'm tired coz the marking is so much more different, and also coz the lesson prep is more intensive, but i'm enjoying myself in class...so far so good. So far, I haven't been really pissed, or really lost my temper yet...maybe coz I can actually be sarcastic, be more caustic, and also be more harsh when I'm upset with them, knowing that it's more unlikely that they would go back and tell their parents everything.....and of course, I don't have to watch my words as much, because they are old enough.....in fact, most of the time, I treat them like adults, except when they are supposed to be doing work, and are instead making lots of noise...........

it's nice....coz u can actually feel the difference of teaching the older ones. If they like you, they really show it......if they respect you, you know it. But if they hate you, they won't hide it either.....and right now, I think i'm chumming along quite well with them......coz, I know that when I was a student, if i didn't bother with the teacher, I wouldn't even care to turn my head to look at her to give her my full attention when she was walking round whilst explaining........u know what I mean? And they really do try........and I'm glad. Much as there's work that's still not done by a certain few, but I can already identify who are the ones that are putting effort into the work that I've prepared for them.

I'm glad I didn't pass judgment on them when I first met them, coz they are a nice bunch..really.

I wish I could make a difference in their lives.
I really do.

But, I can't........and they are so so weak.......they've had so many changes in teachers that I think they are really feeling quite lost and insecure....and they're just looking for someone permanent in their lives. I wish I could change that. I wish I didn't have to leave them, only for them to start learning to trust someone again.......

But....

I guess it's all part and parcel of life, teaching them to fend for themselves.......

I bumped into a few of my P5s along the corridors.....

funny how it's the girls that just detach you from their lives, and the boys that hang around...and ask you why you've left...how come....why you ain't teaching them anymore...............

aren't girls supposed to be the ones that hang on????

But....i guess it's just nice that some of them.....the ones I had originally decided were gonna be a problem in my class...the older ones......the naughty boys, the ones I really had to reason with, that are the ones who miss me..........

Did I make a difference in their lives for 6 months?

I hope i did. . .

Don't get me wrong.

I still want to leave.

I still do miss my P1 babies.....

I wonder if they've forgotten me...coz our physical paths in school no longer cross each other. They have a new life to get used to now. I know their parents miss what I used to do.....they remind me through their emails and smses.......but the kids?

some of them have also already detached me from their lives.

i guess it's both good and bad..for they do need to get on with their lives.

as one of my colleagues told me, I need to learn to let go....and I am...I really am.

I'm not as hung up or protective about them, as I usually would be about handing over something this important to someone else.........

And I only hope that in the 7 plus months that I've been here, I've made enough difference in their lives to leave a mark..........

After all that has happened.........especially in the last month or so.......I finally am enlightened today.


I know.... I really do realise it......Teaching is what I want to do....for life... be it as a full-time school teacher or as a home tutor....... I really do want to make a difference in the lives of the children that come my way...... the admin work may suck.....the management and politics will definitely get to me.......but....i guess there's more important things that matter in this world.....

And, I thank God for this challenge....for otherwise, I would not have been this sure.....