♥ Eternity

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Wednesday July 4 2007

Well well well.....am mid-week already.....exactly 3 more weeks before I leave school...for school......sounds quite confusing...but ya...leaving school as a teacher, for school as a student.....

Anywayz.....i'm getting quite used to the P4s...much as i'm tired coz the marking is so much more different, and also coz the lesson prep is more intensive, but i'm enjoying myself in class...so far so good. So far, I haven't been really pissed, or really lost my temper yet...maybe coz I can actually be sarcastic, be more caustic, and also be more harsh when I'm upset with them, knowing that it's more unlikely that they would go back and tell their parents everything.....and of course, I don't have to watch my words as much, because they are old enough.....in fact, most of the time, I treat them like adults, except when they are supposed to be doing work, and are instead making lots of noise...........

it's nice....coz u can actually feel the difference of teaching the older ones. If they like you, they really show it......if they respect you, you know it. But if they hate you, they won't hide it either.....and right now, I think i'm chumming along quite well with them......coz, I know that when I was a student, if i didn't bother with the teacher, I wouldn't even care to turn my head to look at her to give her my full attention when she was walking round whilst explaining........u know what I mean? And they really do try........and I'm glad. Much as there's work that's still not done by a certain few, but I can already identify who are the ones that are putting effort into the work that I've prepared for them.

I'm glad I didn't pass judgment on them when I first met them, coz they are a nice bunch..really.

I wish I could make a difference in their lives.
I really do.

But, I can't........and they are so so weak.......they've had so many changes in teachers that I think they are really feeling quite lost and insecure....and they're just looking for someone permanent in their lives. I wish I could change that. I wish I didn't have to leave them, only for them to start learning to trust someone again.......

But....

I guess it's all part and parcel of life, teaching them to fend for themselves.......

I bumped into a few of my P5s along the corridors.....

funny how it's the girls that just detach you from their lives, and the boys that hang around...and ask you why you've left...how come....why you ain't teaching them anymore...............

aren't girls supposed to be the ones that hang on????

But....i guess it's just nice that some of them.....the ones I had originally decided were gonna be a problem in my class...the older ones......the naughty boys, the ones I really had to reason with, that are the ones who miss me..........

Did I make a difference in their lives for 6 months?

I hope i did. . .

Don't get me wrong.

I still want to leave.

I still do miss my P1 babies.....

I wonder if they've forgotten me...coz our physical paths in school no longer cross each other. They have a new life to get used to now. I know their parents miss what I used to do.....they remind me through their emails and smses.......but the kids?

some of them have also already detached me from their lives.

i guess it's both good and bad..for they do need to get on with their lives.

as one of my colleagues told me, I need to learn to let go....and I am...I really am.

I'm not as hung up or protective about them, as I usually would be about handing over something this important to someone else.........

And I only hope that in the 7 plus months that I've been here, I've made enough difference in their lives to leave a mark..........

After all that has happened.........especially in the last month or so.......I finally am enlightened today.

I know.... I really do realise it......Teaching is what I want to do....for life... be it as a full-time school teacher or as a home tutor....... I really do want to make a difference in the lives of the children that come my way...... the admin work may suck.....the management and politics will definitely get to me.......but....i guess there's more important things that matter in this world.....

And, I thank God for this challenge....for otherwise, I would not have been this sure.....

3:39 PM