Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Well well.... first day back to school. I ought to be feeling happy and excited, all ready to begin a new semester here at school. Strangely though, I feel the total opposite. I dunno what's wrong with me. I'm filled with fear, anxiety, worry, and apprehension, as if every next step is a possible plunge down the shaky and unstable cliff that I am standing on. Is it coz i've been away for too long in an idealistic world with Darling?Is it coz of the current change in my status?I really have no idea. All I know is that there are so many uncertainties in my life right now, and there's so many other things to worry about with Darling that I really fear every single step and every move that I am about to make. I feel as if every wrong move will have someone scream down my neck, "CHECKMATE"....and I'm doomed. It's weird. My only source of comfort right now is in Darling, in my squashies, and in my friends. I feel alone, yet I fear companionship...I reject advances that could possibly be made by schoolmates for a friendship, coz I want to be alone. I have no idea what I am doing. I sound like I'm going bonkers aren't I?I feel the same way too....and that only serves to make me more fearful....I don't know how to ease the tension......u guys who met us last night may not have been able to feel this tension being produced constantly by my brain cells..but it sure is. I hope it all goes away soon..........that the sun will come out again....shining and bright, with much promise of a new day....a new life.........to make me feel the way I'm supposed to be feeling right now........Am glad those who received their gifts so far liked them..... =)Am thankful for Darling's reassuring love and efforts to make me feel secure.....I just wish I knew what was going on in my mind. I can't even list out in detail what is bothering me......and that scares me even more. I feel very random. My brain does not seem to be functioning properly. Darling tells me that what I say does not make sense more frequently now. Humph....I need to breathe......Right now, I'm feeling far more stressed than I did before the wedding......the only difference is that I'm not showing it as obviously....coz I'm still carrying the happiness and blissfulness from the honeymoon....which is probably the best thing that could have happened in my life thus far..........I just pray there are more good days to come......
9:48 AM
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