Wednesday, April 16, 2008
My mind is so random. I feel like writing, but I know not what to write.Since school's been out, I somehow feel a weird sense of emptiness.... you know when you've been busy and working your ass off for so many things, and when it's finally over, u feel like your world has stopped for a little while, and you don't know what to do with the time now.....I feel like lazing all day long, reading chick-lit (courtesy of Angela), all coz they make the world seem so picture-perfect and untainted....playing free downloaded games just to while away my time.....I feel like I deserve it....ha...what have I done to deserve that?? But it's all coz I guess I'm trying to run away from the fact that I'm gonna find out which school I'll be posted to for my Teaching Assistantship on Monday....and once again, my world will start spinning once more....I dunno wat's with me....am I a quitter? I somehow feel like other than my childhood dream of wanting to be a housewife, stay at home to clean, cook and look after my kids, there's actually not much I wanna do.... (other than the other unfulfilled dream of being a professional dancer, of course!!) and I guess that because of that, I tend to lose hope in the things I do quite easily... which is really bad, by the way.....*big sigh*I only hope I'll make a good teacher......actually right now, I really hope I'll pass NIE well...coz the LD part really scares me...so worried i'll have to pay extra for failing! *humph*......sometimes i do question myself whether i'm really qualified for this line.....i do love kids, and i love connecting with them.....but looking at some of my really passionate friends in school, as well as the ones who are there coz they have nowhere else to go, and pple like Sheena, who'd give anything for their students, I can't help but wonder which world I belong to......much as I know I wanna leave once my bond is up coz i wanna take care of my future kids singlehandedly and not neglect them coz of work, yet, i really wonder if i'm being selfish by thinking this way? Darling would have so much financial burden coz of this decision of mine....and i guess i'd really have to make money out of tuition kids, as well as baking for others!!! so friends, when i do quit my job, feel free to place orders from me for food, desserts, ice-cream, etc, so that i can earn some cash!!!! haha.....on another note, i just went blog-surfing.....been thinking lots abt ian's post, and mark's reply... it's true.... the whole politics thing in Legion is getting to me.....i guess that that's the sucky part about being a Curia officer........many think Darling and me came back for the glory of the post...shit man.... i'm sorry, but we're not that shallow-minded.....i don't need this glory.... it ain't all about caring only for those under us...but also abt listening to the old fogeys above us...... ya, i do respect them and all, but at the end of the day, i can't help but ask if they too respect us. there's so much dreams we have for this beloved Ministry of ours....all of us who are still here from eons ago......for goodness sake, i've been here for 10 years now..... so much we want to do to ensure this thing is carried on...so that even when we're older, we too can look back on this Ministry and smile at how successful it is......the Chinese youth legion was such a big thing in its heyday......and yet, it's now in such a sorry state........ i can't help but agree with some who say that it's not the numbers that matter, it's the hearts of the pple......yet at the end of the day, don't we need to survive? That's the only reason why we are recruiting....and with no large numbers, or people who really want it as bad as we do, how likely are we to recruit new members to maintain the life of Legion?Truth be told, how many of them are here for social reasons, whilst proclaiming that Legion's their life? And how many of us are around, to really fight, and lose our life for it, because we know what it can be like, what it truly is? That Legion's not all about fun and games....that it all contains something deeper, something more meaningful....that it contains God, and Mary working in our lives, and that we are aware of their presence, and see their magnificence in our work? Yet, it's disheartening that the old fogeys do not recognise that. What's important to them, is the life of their Chinese ministry.......i do often ask myself....which is more important??? That whole language thing often irks me....because i find it senseless..... they are living in such a perfect bubble that they fail to see that it ain't easy for us to recruit members based on our language alone....yet, what's with the language? at the end of the day, isn't it all about serving God? The fact is, we do try to use the language.......but it sure don't seem enough for them....... they don't see our ideals, our needs, our wants........ well, as I said many times in the last couple of months.....their stubborness will be what leads to the fall of the Youth Legion....... Maybe i'm wrong...maybe God has better plans that will not be seen in my time here....but my rationale is this....as long as this bunch of old fogeys are unwilling to accept change from us....and choose to stay there as donkeys would, then, there's not much point in our existence.....and our time will come......ah well....i shan't spoil my mood..... gonna meet Angela later to get more trashy chick-lit from her....and cook lunch.......bought lovely Korean strawberries from Giant the other day...and they're perfect with ice-cream....=)currently kinda disappointed with a rather close friend...but shan't mention names.....just disappointed that he thinks so little of me to be unable to tell me his difficulties, and instead show up an attitude that i think is quite ugly.....but, who am i to judge.......for those who don't know it yet, the recruitment camp is off due to unforeseen circumstances, and in a way, God's will, i would think..... but anyway, we will be planning a one-day activity for new and old members alike...... so keep yourselves posted on the news.hope my tioman trip comes through.............really need the break......think darling needs it too.....ah well, all in God's time........
11:35 AM
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