♥ Eternity

Friday, February 20, 2009

Today is 20 Feb.

Baby is due on 20 March. I'm exactly a month away.

But I think Baby will be early.
Everyone seems to think so too.
Darling's grandma was just commenting yesterday on how my tummy is getting really low, which of course translates to the fact that Baby is indeed moving downwards.

It scares me, the thought of labour.
Darling keeps telling Baby to try to arrive only when he's home from work, and to give him warning signals..... but I wonder how true that will be.
Darling's going for duty today, and he'll be going again on 6 March.... I'm so full of fear that Baby will decide to arrive on days like that when he's not around.

Reading all the info I can abt labour and its pains really do frighten me.
I want as natural a delivery as possible, but I'm so worried that I can't endure through the pains.
I'm also worried about the healing process, and whether my body will change drastically after that.

Sighz....

I've been getting real melancholic these days.
Knowing that our carefree couple days are nearing its end, I sometimes wonder if we ought to have planned for this little one.....because I'm so reluctant to give up my freedom. Yet I know that God has His reasons for entrusting this little life into our care at this point of time.
Movies.
Dinners.
Getaways.
Long walks.
They all seem to be fading into the distance. I fear it's loss....I really do.
I want so much to spend what precious time I have left with Darling doing things we'll not be able to do soon enough (without worries, commitments and guilt on our minds).... but we have so many other things to do as well. It sure doesn't help that physically I'm no longer up to doing everything I used to be able to do.

I know I sound crazily depressed, which is something I shouldn't ought to be feeling at this point.
A part of me can't wait for Baby's arrival, to see the little one that I've been protecting, growing and nurturing for the last 9 months.
But the other part of me wishes it wasn't so soon.

I guess it just doesn't help that I don't feel entirely good about my own physical appearance right now. I keep feeling fat. And I fear that all the scars and marks I've accumulated over the last 9 months won't disappear after Baby is born, and that I'll be stuck with them for life. My love for short skirts...... do they have to disappear with the arrival of a child? I sincerely hope not.

I've always exuded self-confidence when it came to my dressing. I always wanna present my best self forward, to push away any nagging thoughts of lowness away....... But it ain't easy to do so anymore. It takes so much out of Darling to convince me that I still look alright....yet, I never am fully convinced.

Sighz.... I hate feeling all self-pitiful......

I have to admit that it's nice to be pregnant, coz when you walk on the streets, all the ladies who've been through pregnancy can't help but smile, and share their stories with you about babies..... everyone seems concerned about you, even if you've never met them before....... I love hearing about their experiences, sharing what I'm going through, and knowing that i'm not alone. But I guess that underneath all of it, I do detest the changes that my body is going through.

Come to think of it, Darling and myself have not had any pictures taken this year...... actually, not since I discovered I was pregnant...... other than the ones in Bintan and at camp, of course. Even then, we rarely had couple photos taken together.

We've been contemplating whether or not to take studio shots of my tummy..... and to compile them with Baby's newborn pics later on into an album...... but Darling's so worried that I'll hate the way I look in the photos, and as a result, further decrease my self-esteem.....

Of course, money's another factor.
And it won't help that I'll be on 3 months of unpaid leave.... the reason behind it? A long story....
Our disposable income is gonna decrease greatly, and i really do hope Baby will be healthy and not need any healthcare other than what is most basic...... there's still the insurance to think about, and so many other impending costs........

I do trust that God will bring us through it all..... yet I can't help but be human about these worries.......

Ah..... sorry this post is so gloomy...... once again, I guess i'm just ranting and raving away......

3:01 PM