Sunday, February 22, 2009
I've been ranting and raving about all my unhappiness and fears lately. If you think it's bad reading about it from my blog, you definitely wouldn't want to be in Darling's shoes. He gets the extreme from me. I can't help but wonder if I've let myself go into a mild form of depression, which is quite normal for pre and post pregnancy........ after all, I keep drifting in and out of mood swings, feeling alright at times, but at others, terribly down. I'm not even sure if it's all just psychological, and me just letting myself degenerate and deteriorate. I try so hard to put up a happy front when I'm around others..... but when I'm alone.... that's when things start hitting home.........thankfully though, Darling's really patient with me, and sweet about it all..... I'm just worried about whether this will get worse post-delivery..... Bouts of puking have been occurring to me these last few days. I have no idea why. Maybe Baby's pressing on my stomach or something. But the backaches are truly quite horrible lately. Coupled with Baby's incessant kicking, it does get painful and unbearable. I'm also feeling terribly warm lately.... which is something really rare, if u know me..... these days, I perspire even in my sleep.... and perspiration is something that was almost alien to me before.... But, I'm trying to live with it......
I try hard not to look at the mirror, so that I escape from feeling terrible about myself... that's the only thing I can do to stop feeling miserable and lousy.Yesterday, somehow, I felt God's presence during Mass.... He was trying to ease all my fears about the future, about the unknown......through the hymns we sang, and through the emotions that ran through my mind as I prayed. Most importantly, it was also in one of the articles in the Catholic News...... reading it just reaffirmed everything I believe in..... God's plans for us..... The faith of the mother is simply amazing, and I have utmost admiration for her and her courage.....She has 1 daughter, who is now 8 years..... and she lost her second son to complications during surgery when he was just 45 days old.... her youngest daughter, 9 months old, is also now battling for her life........ yet.... she says this in the article."If not for my faith, I don't think I will be able to accept all of these. I feel clost to God. I know the road to His is filled with suffering and pain and never eay. Probaby He chose me because He thinks I can endure all these.""Life is given by God after all. If God wants to give my baby a hole in her heart, I have to take it. I can't just throw my cross away. Whenever bad things happen, I thank God that I can grasp some good.""Usually, these babies pass on because of complication and malfunctions. They will not enjoy quality life, but I always believe in miracles. I don't want to cast a verdict on her but just to cherish her everyday and thank God for another hour, another day. I know he will take care of us. A non-believer probably doesn't see God's hand in this experience. I choose to keep quiet and let hem see for themselves why I'm able to overcome myself. When people say I'm very strong, I tell them it's God who bestows courage on me before giving me this."Despite all the pain, Mrs XX does not regret giving birth to her daughter. "She didn't choose to be born by me. She was handpicked by God and so was I, to conceive her. I feel so proud of ther that she's been through so much. I know God will take us through. With that in mind, whatever happens, I'll just take it and walk on."Reading that article, I feel almost ungrateful to be complaining about all that I'm going through. It's simply nothing compared to what this mother is going through, yet, she's faithful and strong throughout it all...... and shouldn't that be just how it is for us? How often do we simply just lose faith in God because of difficulties and hiccups in life? As mentioned very aptly in Evan Almighty, "When you pray for courage, does God give you courage, or does He give you opportunities to build courage?" It's something I so definitely need to keep in mind.....especially when the road gets tough.........
10:56 PM
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