♥ Eternity

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I'm now 40 weeks and 1 day.

Baby has 8 hours to decide to arrive on his/her own or be forced out by the Doctor.

I have no appetite.... am terribly sleepy (due to insomnia for the last 3 nights)....
and i'm itching like mad.

The itch has spread everywhere, and i can't stop scratching.... i wake up because of the itch...
And i can't fall back to sleep because of the itch....
No one can understand how bad it's getting.....
I can't stop scratching, yet I force myself not to scratch for as long as possible because my skin is sore........

I'm still a little hung in disbelief and shock that all this is gonna be over in less than 12 hours.

Is it really?
Or is it just the opening of a new door to a future that I've always dreamed about but never expected would fall into my hands so soon?

I feel like I'm watching the people around me move in excitement of the arrival of the baby....
and I'm the only one lost in the emotions I'm going through right now.
ALL my friends can't help but tell me how excited they are....
People are msging and calling to check on whether Baby's arrived....
I have no idea what to feel.
I detest feeling like that coz I know I'm only making it harder for Darling.
I believe he's excited about Baby too, yet fearful that we have to force Baby out, and at the same time scared of fatherhood that lies ahead of him......but.. he can't show any emotion because he knows he has to be strong for me. All because he knows I'm going through a difficult time myself emotionally, mentally and physically, and he wants to be my pillar of support in every way.

We are supposed to be resting all day today, coz it's gonna be a long night....
But he chose to let me sleep whilst he did other things just now...
I asked him why he isn't resting....
He said he couldn't bear to sleep because of how much discomfort I was in.....

I felt terrible. I really did.
I hate feeling this way.
I hate being uncertain of my own emotions....
I hate being weak emotionally, coz I'm always in control.
I don't know why I'm giving in to so much fear this time round.
I've tried to pray and let go..... to let things take its natural course.
But I can't.

The last few days have been a massive array of last minute preparations for Baby....
All the things that have not been done were rushed out...
Darling is trying to let me eat all my favourite food......
Because of the one month confinement that lies ahead of me.
Yet... i don't gain enjoyment from the food.
I just want time alone with Darling.

Sigh.

Listening to me, you'd either think I'm crazy or getting depressed.
It sounds like I'm going to die.
Ha.

Half, if not all the people who even bother reading my blog have never seen this side of me before.
I guess I rarely appear this vulnerable.
Not to outsiders.
The only one who's ever known how vulnerable I can be is Darling.
But I've caved in this time.

Don't get me wrong.
I'm not this way all 24 hours of every day....
But these emotions do clog up my mental and emotional state...
and my current physical state ain't helping much.

I am looking forward to carrying Baby in my arms.
I really am.
But I guess the negative emotions of everything else is just causing the joy of that to seem so small.

Most of you probably would not understand why I'm attaching so much fear to Baby being forced out/induced.....
It's not a bad thing. It definitely isn't.
But it does make the whole process longer and more painful.
And seriously, i don't want Baby to have to be forced... not in the first journey he/she makes into this world.
I was hoping everything could be as natural as possible.
Unless I gave in to the pain, or under certain reasons, Baby had to be taken out medically.

Ah... I'm a mess.
I really am.
I hope going for Mass and Novena later will help me feel better and more assured.....

I also hope that the next time I post, I'll be more upbeat,
And I'll post Baby's pics too.....
We'll finally all know if Baby is a boy or a girl... =)

Keep Baby in your prayers if you do read this before twelve midnight today....
That there'll be no complications, and he/she will be safe.....=)

Till then....

3:50 PM