♥ Eternity

Friday, May 29, 2009

well well. I've completed the first week back at SACPS...

I've been shadowing my CT, following her to all her classes, watching her interact with them.

It's unbelievable that in such a short span of 1 year, there's been so much changes in the staff...

Once again, I'll be taking a primary 4 class...

Somehow I feel that much much much more will be expected of me this time round. After all, I already got the luxury of meeting my students and interacting with them 1 month before I begin my practicum... I also have the luxury of getting all my teaching materials beforehand, and thus, i would technically have more time to prepare my lessons. I really will have to rack my brains for the lessons during this 'one-month' holiday. (In actual fact, it's only about 2 weeks of break for teachers)

Going through all the induction lately... it's been crazy... a real overload of information.. but i guess it's necessary.

It's not been easy to be away from Faith for such a long time... and Darling and me are both so very proud of her for trying so hard to adapt to this new change in her life.

She's usually used to Darling being away from her during the day, because that has been the way things are since 1 week after her birth..... but like I said before, I'm never away from her for too long a time.... even during the 10days that i had to be back at school, I was back by late afternoon.... but now... I leave right after bathing her and I don't reach home till 7pm each day... and it really hasn't been easy for her at all....

Don't get me wrong. She's an absolute angel and darling in the morning and afternoon when my parents take care of her... they can't stop telling Darling and me how obedient and adorable she is during the day....

Yet, once we get home, she cries like crazy and refuses to let us put her down for any period of time until she's convinced we aren't gonna go away. Even then, she keeps watching our every movement, as if to check if we're gonna leave her.

Every morning, when i wake her up to bathe her, she smiles and laughs the moment she opens her eyes...

The feeling that fills my heart every time she does that is indescribable.... =)

She's growing so much lately... her cheeks are so extremely chubby now... and she's getting very very strong too.. it's so easy to carry her now coz she's so ready to support her self, and she's been trying to turn herself..... lately, she also coos and gurgles at us when we talk to her..... she's also starting to grab things.....

It's so nice watching her achieve each milestone..... =) I just wish I was around her more often to witness every single one of them.....

I am so gonna treasure the month I have left with her before i officially go back to work for real....

10:50 PM

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Time is flying past me....

Faith turns 2 months old tomorrow. I can't believe it. =)

Lately, she's begun to coo and gurgle, playing with us and rewarding us with super bright smiles whenever she's happy. Times like these are extremely precious to us, and we love interacting with her at every single moment.

We brought her for Mass this morning, since it's Ascension, and then we went for her check-up and Angela came along with us.

Faith is super tall now. She now measures 60cm already... Angela joked that if she grew by 30 more cm, she would need to pay for transport! haha. The doctor mentioned though that she ought to be heavier than the 4.8kg that she weighs right now.

I guess it's coz i'm quite adamant about not feeding her if it's less than 2 hours since her last feed, plus my dad's insistence that she's constantly thirsty with a dry throat, thus the need to feed her water. Sigh, my darling daughter drinks almost 100ml of water a day! And that's a lot for a tiny body like her, especially since each feed of hers is only 150ml!

Was asking the doctor about her water intake, and the doctor advised that she ought to drink at most only 5-10ml of water after each feed... I feel almost terrible.

But it's not too late.. now i know better, I'll make changes... =)

She also took her 6-in-1 vaccine today... in which she was extremely extremely brave by not crying at all. I am so terribly proud of her. =D We then went to visit the healthcare worker who helped us in delivering Faith, and then to see my gynae.....

Everyone who saw her today commented on how pretty she is, how much hair she has, how her eyes are so nice... everyone seems to notice her hair before everything else! ah well, since she's so tall, i shall just pin my hopes on her becoming a model in future, and then supporting Darling and me when we are old... hahahaha... =D

She really has been an angel all day, for after our trip to the hospital, we went to Suntec for a short but nice lunch, and we went shopping for a little while before making our way home...

Faith is suffering from the effects of the jab right now though... she is having a fever, and her temperature is 38.1 deg... We just fed her some Paracetamol, and are hoping that she'll get better soon. I'm so glad she didn't spit all the medicine out, as I believe i would have since I hate medicine so so much...

We just have to see how she fares tonight, and if the fever wears off... if not, I gues I can't go to school tomorrow....

Also, it's her second month tomorrow, and I'm really hoping she'll be okay instead of feeling so unwell........ It's gonna be a long night... but it'll all be worth it if she can get better....

5:45 PM

Monday, May 18, 2009

Darling's away on duty once again........

my grandaunty passed away.. so my parents are going to her wake....

Faith and I will be spending the evening alone together......

these last couple of days, she's been acting up like crazy in the evenings.. refusing to drink her milk, yet always looking hungry...and then screaming her lungs out... she is really a handful when she loses her temper... i always thought my own temper was bad... but i think she got the worst of it. I hope she won't carry on like that when she's older or Darling and me will really have to stand firm whilst she loses her temper!
No one can stand her when she screams and cries.. not even my parents.

it's tough to put her to bed at night because she is so grouchy, but once she falls asleep, she usually doesn't wake up till the next morning, which i something i really appreciate. It may be tiring to put her to bed, but at least we get a relatively good night's sleep.

Yet somehow, she manages to calm down when Darling and me carry her. She still cries, but not as bad....

I feel she's already recognizing who she can bully. She bullies Darling, because afer all, he's the one who soothes her... and she bullies my dad lately each time he feeds her... my mum hasn't got much of it yet, coz she's always busy.... i guess Faith somehow is being nice to me because she was a monster to me in her early days at home. =)

we try to bring her out more often lately, but she still doesn't like it when the surroundings are too noisy, or when there's far too many people around.

darling and myself love mornings alone with her... because she's always at her best then... feeding her, bathing her... then talking to her. we truly love watching all her funny facial expressions. =) it's times like this where she truly is a joy and an angel....

time to make milk and to sponge her......

7:02 PM

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

It's been a long weekend.

There's been so much to do, so much to get used to, so much on my mind.

My mornings with Faith are the busiest when I'm at home.... bathe her, feed her, mop the floor, hang her laundry.....wash her bottles... all these have to be done as quickly as possible. And only after that, if she's sleepy and naps for the rest of the day, do I have time to indulge myself in doing the things that I have to/want to do.

I learnt on Friday to cope with all these housework on my own. All because my mum was busy with the Mother's Day Flowers. I'd never imagined I could cope without help.. but I did... and I was proud of her for being a good girl, and of myself, for managing on my own....

That same evening, we went out with Darling's family for Mother's Day Dinner.... it was a traumatic one for Faith because we went all the way to Vivocity and in the late evening too. She'd never been out so late before, and was shocked at the noise and the amount of people...

That night.. we didn't sleep till 3am because she was so scared.... each time she'd close her eyes for a min or two, then open them in fear again, searching for Darling or myself to assure herself that she's with us......

We spent the rest of Saturday trying to make her feel better.

Sunday was Mother's Day and also her baptism.
We'd expected the worst, and feared that she'd act up when immersed into the water. We were also scared that she'd catch a chill from the aircon.

But she was far braver than we'd expected her to be.
She never cried.... she didn't even make a sound... she was just happy to be in water.... =)
We'd known that she loves the water, because bathtime is her favourite time... but we didn't expect her to take to the baptism font so easily.....
She's probably really a water baby. =)
(Nigel, teach her swimming k? =p )

there are many photos of her, but as always, check her blog, the links can be found on the left side of this blog....
there are also videos of her...but i've not had the time to put them together properly into one nice video... i'll do it this weekend when i'm home with her.....

Yesterday was my last 24-hr day with her...
i really wish it didn't have to come so soon.
I truly enjoy staying home with her... watching her, taking care of her.
no doubt there are times when i resent it all....
but as i've always mentioned... just seeing her smile, hearing her laugh... that's all that matters.

she seemed to know something was gonna change.
she refused to sleep last night.
neither me nor darling could do anything about it.
we took extremely long to put her to bed.

waking up for her night feed, which isn't something that usually happens any longer, she puked in the middle of her feed. that was at almost 4am....
cleaning her up, calming her down, washing her bottles and sterilizing them, it was almost 4.30.
i had to leave by 7.
i no longer felt like sleeping, but i knew i had to...

she started crying again... and it took us quite long to soothe her again.
we were worried.
already our hearts were aching at having to leave her alone without either one of us around.
seeing her like that made it hurt even more.
we feared she wouldn't be able to get used to it.
we almost didn't want to go to work this morning.

but my mum believed she'd be fine.
and she was right...

Faith surpassed our expectations once again....
she was a perfect baby all day...

but upon our return, she seemed to act up once more.
i dunno if it's coz she misses us,
or because she knows we'll love and cuddle her and give in to her needs...

she didn't seem to drink as much milk as before.
i don't know if it's normal.
i don't know if she's unwell,
but I hope she's fine....

going back to work was a big big jump for me.
i'm exhausted.
and we didn't even do anything other than sit in the lecture room...
it truly was a waste of time.

and i missed her the entire time i was in school

i couldn't wait to be back home with her.

People worry about their kids suffering from separation anxiety.
I think darling and me are the ones suffering from it.

The road ahead is gonna be tough.
For Faith,
and for the two of us.

I fear my practicum, and how I'll surpass the benchmarks i'd set for myself during my first practicum last year..... especially since i have less time to think of wonderful lesson plans, source for resources this time round.
I no longer can be a workaholic and plant myself in front of the computer, worrying about work, because Faith is my greatest priority right now.

But I still have the faith that God has His reasons for giving this little angel to us.

I believe we'll make it through,
I know we'll make it through.

10:02 PM

Friday, May 08, 2009

I received my first Mother's Day gift yesterday.
My mother made a bouquet of bluish-green roses with yellow ribbons for me, then she carried Faith and presented it to me...
I didn't know what to say.
The gesture was so sweet that I was speechless.
The fact that she bothered took my breath away.
The knowledge that she took the time to hunt high and low for roses to suit my favourite colours
warmed my heart.

It's something very very simple.
Especially to my mum and me... because we always wrap flowers for other people on special occasions...
We never want to receive flowers from others because we know the cost that goes into making it, and always feel that it's overpriced, especially since we can make them ourselves....

Yet, she made a bouquet for me.... just to make me feel loved...
Something so simple... yet it touched my heart so completely.
Somehow, I don't want these flowers to wither...
Simply because it means so so much....... =)

3 generations... =)

I can't believe it's already Friday.
Time at home seems to pass in a blur now that Faith is around... I never seem to connect days and dates anymore... maybe coz my days run in 24-hour schedules... and no longer just mornings or nights...

I still remember the first 2 weeks that Faith was home.. we were waking up to feed her so often, that I didn't even see the point of brushing my teeth before I 'went to bed' or after I 'got up' from bed because we were up so often every single night!!! Plus, I was hungry each time after I fed her... so I had to eat... and that made the brushing of teeth even more senseless!

Now.. we have more normal days and nights... but the days go by even faster... I guess it's coz my 24-hr days with her are soon coming to an end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Parenthood is indeed life-changing.

When i was still pregnant,

I feared this whole journey before it began.
I dreaded all the changes that would come into the all-too-perfect lives of Darling and me.
I feared the challenges that come with being a mother.
I wondered if we'd be good parents.
I was afraid of everything that would be coming our way...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Faith was first born,

I wondered why I didn't feel that overwhelming love that's supposed to envelope my heart...
My maternal instincts were there, needing to protect her, but weirdly, it felt like mere actions with no emotions attached to it.....
I wondered why Darling was doing a better job at soothing her, and I couldn't seem to be able to make her feel better......
I dreaded each night and each morning that I was alone with her for fear that I'd fail....
I dreaded each cry that came from her because it seemed I was doing the wrong thing....
I worried about her well-being...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that we're into the 7th week of her life,

I fear the road that lies ahead because of the changes that are coming our way now that I'm going back to work.
I worry that her needs will not be met because I'm not with her..(not that I don't trust my mum) I'm scared that she'll not be used to my being away from her....(or rather, the other way round!)

I still fear the challenges that come with being a mother. I still am wondering if I'm doing the right thing and whether we'll be good parents. I still worry about her well being....Darling still does a better job of soothing her....

BUT

I'm beginning to love every moment I spend with her.
I look into her eyes as I talk to her, and I know that no matter what happens, we'll love her unconditionally, and that our love and faith in God alone will be what brings our little family through everything...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Motherhood doesn't come easy...
Unconditional love for our offspring doesn't descend on us the minute they are born...
It comes with time, sacrifice, tears, and many many other things....

But the minute you feel the undescribable love for your child, it never leaves your heart....

Instead, it tightens its hold on you each time you look at your child, hear her cry, see her smile, hear her laughter, smell her hair, hold her close and feel her tiny hands cling onto you....because she knows you'll hold on to her and keep her safe no matter what happens....

That's love....
True love....

11:28 AM

Thursday, May 07, 2009

After what feels like forever, i've finally gotten my final posting for my teaching career.

I will be going back to SAC for good... or at least, until I decide/am able to resign from this career.

I am happy because it's where I've been dreaming to teach ever since I got into this track... yet, of course, gloominess hangs over my head, because I do dread going back to work after not doing anything other than housework and enjoying mummyhood for the last 3-4 months....

I do miss the adrenaline rush of working...the rush that comes with the beginning of each lesson as I start to teach.... the interaction with the students... the marking of their books to find out how I've fared in my lesson...

But, the fulfillment that comes from teaching can't beat the lifelong yearning I have had to be a housewife... to spend my days doing household chores to keep the house clean and everything runnin smoothly, to cook meals for my family...

I guess most, if not all of you that actually read this blog wouldn't understand why I love doing housework so much. After all, it makes your hands rough, and it's so much work... but I just love doing it.... i think the only chores that I don't particularly like doing are mopping/sweeping the floor and changing the bedsheets... yet everything else that comes with being a housewife are things i truly enjoy doing... =)

Housework is therapeutic.
I'm serious!
i take pleasure in washing the toilet, hanging the laundry, ironing/folding the clothes, buying groceries, cooking and washing up...

You probably think I'm crazy by now! haha.. but that's just me.

I kinda wish I didn't have to go back to work.. but I know that's not possible. Just another 5 years... then we'll see how from there... if we are financially sound, I guess I can fulfill my dream.. if not, I guess it'll just have to be postponed a little while more...

ah well, took Baby Faith to Darling's parents' place yesterday. It was a 3 hour visit... but enough to make Faith long for home. I guess she just isn't used to going out for long hours yet... and she's very very used to my parents and the both of us... so when Darling's mum and grandma carried her yesterday, she looked so scared and afraid to move because she didn't seem to know who was carrying her. As a result, she cried non-stop when it was in the evening.......

There's always so much to do when we come home from long trips... washing and sterilizing all her stuff once more, cleaning her up.. soothing her.. hoping she'll sleep through the night so that she gets enough rest. Sigh... as a result, we both were saying last night that we'd rather not bring her out....

I already dread tomorrow and Sunday.. because on both days she'll be going out for so long... I only hope we don't have a tough time when we come home...

5:31 PM

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Today has been a fulfilling day!

I have resumed all my housework duties with no nagging from my mum at all! hahaha... Baby Faith has been extremely cooperative in entertaining herself... staring at space, smiling and laughing to herself.. sometimes, i can't help but wonder what goes on in their tiny minds... =)

I mopped the house, washed and hung the clothes out to dry... did ironing, and folded all the laundry......

It's been 10 whole months since i last ironed clothes! All thanks to Darling's nonsense reading up on those mummy forums about how the foetus' face would be flat if the mummy ironed while pregnant! *rolls eyes*. As a result, i couldn't iron clothes the whole time I was pregnant!

Did i ever mention that I find ironing therapeutic? haha.. i think i'm weird.... I always love doing housework... that, i think, is my favourite part of being a housewife!!! hahahaha...

Let's hope Baby Faith catches on to my housework loving genes.. then we can do it together once she's older... =D

She's started to suck her thumb a little.... and i guess it's coz we don't give her a pacifier.. i think it's okay as long as it doesn't become habitual...

Faith has finally started to settle in, and i guess that makes doing stuff around the house more easy than it was before. I'm not saying she's easy to look after already.. just that, being 6 weeks old right now, she no longer requires as much attention as she used to..

We're starting to spend more time talking and playing with her, and she really enjoys it... she smiles so much more easily these days, and we have so much fun with her.. =D

Went out with Darling to get thermometers yesterday, but as we already know, the pharmacies all ran out of thermometers. Darling was smart enough to suggest that we head to Kiddy Palace to buy as they sell it, and no one would think of going there to buy.. and he was right!

Her baptism will be on this Sunday... which is also my parents' 42nd wedding anniversary... and of course, it's also Mother's Day....

It's my first time celebrating mother's day... feels almost weird.. haha...

Usually i'll be helping my mum out with the packing of flowers for sale on Mother's day... this year, i'll have to stay home and watch Baby Faith... don't wanna expose her to all the pollen. Especially with the swine flu...

And since there's Curia this Sunday.. it's either we bring her along with us, or I stay home with her.... we'll see what happens...

Ah well.. enough talking for today... check our Baby Faith's blog for more pictures!!! =D

8:55 PM

Monday, May 04, 2009

one more week till i head back to school for nonsense programmes.

so much for Compulsory Enrichment Programmes. the programmes planned don't even look enriching in any sense! =(

i really don't feel like being away from Faith at all. I may not want to deal with her cries all day long and all, but I definitely do not want to be away from her so soon and for such long hours! the programmes last each day from 8-5... if i add in my travelling time, it'd be from 6.45 - 6++!!! And the programmes aren't even gonna make a difference in my teaching. sheesh.

it really is a waste of time.

all my teaching peers who've come to visit Baby have been complaining about their practicum. ALL of them. and that makes me worried. I asked them why, and they said it's not about writing lesson plans, but coming up with ideas to impress their CTs and Supervisors for all the lesson observations.... it's worrying.

I'll be starting on mine in July.. and with a baby to handle each night, i'm not sure how i'd handle it and how i'd fare. there'd be so much to do and think about. What also worries me is that I know I'd be teaching a P4 class... and last year I was teaching P4 at around the same time... which means that the topics covered would be about the same. As I'd be observed to see how I've improved since last year, it means i'd have to come up with even better ideas and ways of teaching the topic as compared to what i did last year!!

Coming up with ideas and ways to teach is one thing. Trying to surpass what I have previously come up with is a totally different thing!

I really hope I can manage.

But I won't think about that for now.. i'll just worry about handling the 2 weeks of nonsense programmes.

Swine Flu. Sigh... I do want to bring Faith out for fresh air, take walks in the park... spend time with her.. but with the virus, it's really not very safe to take her out....

we are in a way quite blessed though... coz we'd wanted to do her first month party on the weekend that just passed, but we did it the week before because Darling's gonna be busy at work this week...... with what happened at Aloha... i'm really thankful we did it last week!!!

then of course, with the Swine Flu... i know Faith will have a less traumatic baptism coz she probably won't get immersed in water with the fear of spreading of the virus... they'll probably do it the traditional way of pouring water over her head.... so... it's not as scary.. =)

the last few days have passed by in a blur... Faith seems to have her sleeping hours all messed up... i think her night starts anytime after 12 midnight or later and lasts till 10+ in the morning... sigh.. .so it's quite tiring trying to get her to sleep at night.

But, we're surviving.

Did i mention that Faith has my temper?? It's madness.... she has it... and she's so irritable when she's angry... just like me. Oh no....you all know my temper... so just imagine it in a smaller body!! hee...

when we're both in a happy mood or either one of us is calm, it's not so bad.. but when she gets angry for no rhyme or reason, that riles me up too.. and then... it's a clash of characters!!

as one of my friends told me, it gets easier as each day goes by....i don't feel that... not at least until 1 week has passed, then i look back on the previous week, and realise that it is easier... all of us at home are more familiar with her tantrums and needs now... though there are still times that we are puzzled as to why she's crying, or if she's really hungry... but... they are far lesser as compared to when she first came home...

ah well... i need to chill a bit.. nap a bit... darling and me have resorted to using medicated plasters on our back coz we are so tired from carrying her! but it's worth it...

11:12 AM